anticipation and motivation

Next Sunday I leave for a week to London and Paris! I'm terribly excited and jittery!
So my plan to prepare myself (physically) is-

• (Since I didn't stick to it this week) eat ONLY raw fruit and vegetables
• Any sort of workout for at LEAST 3o minutes EVERY day
• Try not to go over 200 calories each day (even though it's all raw)

I want to look good for all the beautiful Brits and French people!

I've also got my senior prom in the beginning of April, so I need to lose the fat.

Today instead of dinner, I ate lunch. I will NEVER do that again...even though I ate only a little, my stomach hurt.

I haven't weighed myself in a while...

Okay. This may seem disgusting but I wanted to write it down. And I'm certain the majority of my blog readers are female, so this is nothing you don't know! However, if you don't even want to find out what I'm about to say, just quickly exit out...

I've been on my period this week (I'm obviously not restricting enough if I'm still getting it). Since my first period ever, the first two days are absolute torture. I get a pain in my uterus that isn't so much cramps as it is a feeling of someone pulling and twisting it. Anyway, during those first two days, my flow is very heavy, and I get the horrible pains. I probably have a medium-low tolerance for pain, but I don't like to complain, so people get the impression that I've got a high tolerance (so occasionally if I become sick, people don't believe me because I don't whine, and they think I must be okay). Anyway, yesterday after the horrible dinner I went home and was hit with the absolute WORST pain I've ever experienced in that area. It hurt so bad I couldn't even walk, so I just sat for a few minutes tapping my fingers really hard on the table (that seems to help distract me). Finally I got up and got a hot water bottle and put it on my abdomen (which usually reduces most of the pain, but not this time). I was able to get to the bathroom after a few minutes of clenching my teeth and drumming my fingers. What came out was disgusting. Huge, long chunks of bloody lining. No wonder my abdomen hurt so bad! So I dragged myself to bed at 10:30 while clutching the hot water bottle to my stomach, and I fell asleep.

I wonder if I've got Endometriosis?

I think perhaps it was some sort of punishment for me eating so much.

Then this weekend I have to work again (shit, I have to CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL myself...I don't want a recurring work binge).

I found a coupon for a Baskin Robbins Snickers Sundae. OH MY GOD it looked to die for. It's a buy 1 get 1 free deal, so I told my mom we'd go out and get them on Sunday. She laughed and said that we wouldn't be able to eat anything else that day, and she is sooooooo correct. I looked at the nutritional information and almost died. But I want that damn Sundae so terribly. So I will have to fast until then, which will be hard, but the amount of deadly shit that thing has in it is ludicrous.

Look at the DEATHSUNDAE.

I sometimes find myself contemplated this eating mess I've gotten into. It's just....strange....how drastically my eating habits have changed. I look back and am baffled that I actually used to eat THREE meals a day, plus snacks in between. How could I have possibly fit so much food in my stomach?? And how could I (and most normal eaters) just pop something in my mouth with complete disregard to the nutritional value? I never used to look at how many calories, fat, cholesterol, etc. was in food. Most normal eaters don't, and if they do they think nothing of it.

And I really became the way I am now because of reading nutrition labels, for lack of anything else to read while eating. Then I began to think about it, and blah blah blah the rest is history. But I am completely obsessed with nutrition labels. I dig them out of rubbish bins just so I can see how many calories the food has, even if I'm not the one eating..... But anyway, as I said, it just baffles me how people can eat without ever thinking about what they're doing.

I apologize for such a random post but I have a plethora of thoughts running through my mind.

stay in control ladies!

stressing out = fat gain

Same weight as yesterday.

Last night I went to sleep with a pounding headache, most likely from the sugar-loaded binge.

School is killing. I have 20-page government project due next Thursday, a Pathophysiology report due Monday, an English paper due tomorrow, and three art history reports due Monday. AHHHHHHHHHH! I should NOT have time for food. Unfortunately, I do.

Went to my friend T's house today. His mom cooked dinner (why is dinner so damn important?)...and so I had to eat. fuckfuckfuck. It was some sort of biscuit/chicken pot pie thing(?) with loads of cheese. I tried to eat as little as possible. For dessert she made a "Reese's peanut butter cup cookie cosmic brownie cake". I swear that's what she called it. My insides shrivelled up when she said that. A bloody REESE'S COSMIC BROWNIE cake?!?!? Those cosmic brownies taste horrid and there are 600 FUCKING CALORIES in only two.
She served some to me, and I ate it all - even though it was disgusting - just to be polite since I hadn't eaten all of dinner.
There were other things to eat during dinner as well, and I regret not getting them instead of the chicken pot pie. But I didn't know how many calories anything had, so I tried to be careful.
T and his family are quite large, mind you. T, his sister, his brother, and his dad all appear extremely pregnant. the only one not almost morbidly obese is his mom. But anyway, they think somethings wrong if you don't eat almost the equivalent they do. Which is why I ate, because even though I'm fat and I eat alot, I don't feel comfortable eating around obese people because I feel as though the "small" amount of food I"ve got is gloating...?

But when I got home I wanted to get rid of the piece-of-shit cosmic brownie taste in my mouth. So I ate a heaping (about 1.5 cups) bowl of Honey Bunches of Almonds with whole fresh banana and a clementine.
I asked T's mom about the food she made, and I was able to get as accurate the number of calories as I could get.
My total for today was a whopping 1,803....and that's what I get for accepting a dinner invitation. damnit.

Tomorrow looks brighter, no?
I have a headache again now, and my heart is beating so quickly.
And although it's only 9:50, I'm falling asleep.

goodluck and goodnight everyone!

...

127 this morning...

I am still perplexed by this past weekend's weight fluctuation. Although I'm certain the eight pounds that have mysteriously disappeared since Friday were not fat! It must have been food and water weight. That's both reassuring and not. Reassuring because it means it was the food itself that raised the number on the scale, and not because I'll probably gain weight as a result.

But to answer RayRay - I haven't even...pooped yet! (defecated, gone #2, taken a shit, taken a dump...I'll have to find one I'm comfortable with typing on here hah) And water with about a teaspoon of lemon juice is what I have all day; it tastes wonderful! I don't think I will ever take laxatives...I really loathe using the loo, so I don't want that option. But I also hate purging...so I really just need to cease eating altogether to avoid both of those... And I regret to say that I haven't been eating raw...sigh.

And blogging most definitely helps! Like I've said before, I become giddy when I see that people actually read my blog, and comment. It's nice to know that-although strangers-you've got someone who listens to what you have to say. And I feel......accepted. Thank you :D


Anyway, at school today I was extremely exhausted, my head pounded terribly whenever I turned it, and my hands were shaking so much! But I felt elated...I guess that's what only 60 calories in two days makes you feel like :]

So to "reward" myself (in quotes because it's idiotic) I ate. What the hell kind of reward is eating after you've starved yourself? The reward should be the decreasing numbers on the scale, and the increasing visible bones on your body!

And so my reward was....drumroll.......
a binge. a fucking binge.

• blueberry muffin - 130
• can of mushrooms - 30
• 2 choc. chip cookies - 240
• 2 slices chicken/alfredo pizza - 320
• burrito - 210
• 1/2 cup count chocula - 60
• peanut butter crackers - 180
• banana - 110
  Total - 1,280

It's obvious how much I ate, but I was able to stop before my stomach exploded. It wasn't a binge-so-bad-food's-in-my-throat, but it was still a binge. AT LEAST, at least I didn't go over 1300...and even thedailyplate said I was still allowed 234 calories for the day. But fuck thedailyplate; that's still unacceptable >:[

I said too much today at dinner. I kept looking at restaurant adverts with desserts and asking my mom to make different desserts. She looked at me strangely and said, "you must be extremely hungry if you're wanting all those things". And so I had to come up with an excuse that since I'm on my period, I've been craving sweets. I guess she believed me because she said "that's what she deduced from my behaviour."

So now I make sure that when I eat it's around her. Although it makes her think that I eat constantly, and she berates me for "grazing" all the time. I wish I could tell her that I don't eat constantly, but instead starve myself all day long. There are days when I just want to scream at her that I have a fucked-up eating problem. But I would never. I don't need help to control myself.

complete change of mood

The scale said 130 today. I guess the five/six pounds of food I ate over the weekend decided to run away? That number is still shit, however. I can't believe that just last Thursday I was 125....

I have the most insane fluctuations!
But thank you for the encouragement (Ana). I did drink quite a bit of water...to wash all those damn cinnamon rolls down.
And so determined to fix everything, I fasted today...and restricting beautifully. I even sort of forgot to drink my water (which is crazy because I NEVER forget to drink water)...and all I ate was a slice of red bell pepper and half an apple.

My kidneys are hurting either because of the lack of water or from working 13 hours on Saturday. But that's the least of my worries!

Total was about 60 calories. Wow. That's the lowest amount of food/calories I have EVER consumed. I look forward to a gut-wrenching ache in my...gut...tomorrow when I wake up! And most likely some pounding headaches.

There's a Yanni concert on PBS right now. I'm itching terribly to go downstairs and watch it, but I have so much homework to do........I'm going to watch it. Maybe one of these days I'll tell everyone how obsessed I am with Yanni and his music.

Otherwise, I feel pure and sugar-free today...goodnight!

you are so much better than I am

I drowned, multiple times, in a pool of self-pity this past weekend. I've gained eight GODDAMN FUCKING pounds since Friday. 2.6 pounds per day. What the fuck.
I'm so ashamed, but I want to be honest and get it off my chest. So I'll tell you.

I worked all day yesterday. I began the day excited, thinking since I wasn't around my mum, I could restrict. Breakfast came and went, and while I did gaze at the hashbrowns I was able to not eat them. Then lunch rolled around, and I thought, "hey, why don't I try out chewing & swallowing?"
So I grabbed a roll, a slice of veggie pizza, a chicken strip, and a cookie, and I hid in the restroom. I spent the next ten minutes in there, c&s as fast as I could so as not to be missed. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to chew but not swallow. I had to gag and cough a few times to make sure I didn't swallow anything, and after each food item I rinsed my mouth out with water. By the time I was finished my jaws were rigid and it hurt to move them. But I felt good. I was able to taste the food, without worry of calories or things filling up my belly. Until dinner. We had burgers...so I ate a burger patty with a whole plate of fries. And an ice cream sandwich and a plate of frozen fruit with vanilla yogurt.
When I got home I ate two brownies, a cup of rice, ice cream, cereal, and celery with peanut butter and raisins.
I went to go weigh myself and the fucking number was 134. ONE-THIRTY-FUCKING-FOUR. HOW the FUCK could I allow myself to gain 8 pounds in two days? I didn't even attempt to purge anything. Instead I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Fucking pathetic weak bitch.

Today (at work) I ate six cinnamon rolls, two cookies, three brownies, two hashbrown patties, a mushroom fajita, an orange, soup, and rice. This binge wasn't as bad as the M.A.B.Y. (most awful binge yet) on Friday night, but it was still terrible. Who eats SIX fucking cinnamon rolls? Not even a 400 pound person. I tried multiple times to purge it, but the only thing that came up was acid. Burning, tooth-decaying gastric acid. My co-worker "L" (who is quite large), jokingly asked me about the six cinnamon rolls. I just laughed it off and told her "they were just so damn delicious!" She totally bought it, and later on when I was pretend-acting hyper, she knowingly blamed it on the "sugar-rush rolls". Whatever. As long as nobody suspects anything.

On my way home in the car I turned on some opera at almost full volume and screamed, and I really mean screamed, at the top of my lungs until it felt as though my throat was in shreds. It didn't solve anything.
When I got home I ate three brownies. I once again tried to purge, but only acid came up. I was so fucking pissed. Why is it always SO HARD for me to purge? What am I doing wrong? I became so frustrated and when I went back to my room I stood in front of my full-length mirror and pinched and pulled and beat at my fat and cried again.
We had a guest over for dinner, and for some reason when I sat down and saw my plate, I lost my appetite. Why I couldn't "lose my appetite" before my M.A.B.Y. and the preceding binges confounds me. I just stared at my plate and mashed my food up with my fork, and I also put the majority of it on my little brother's plate. No one noticed. When they did talk to me however, I ate a few pieces of a carrot. Then I went upstairs and did homework and the leg exercises that aren't producing any goddamn results.

I also realize I was supposed to only eat raw today. I'm not even sorry. A gargantuan weak obese bitch who can't even control her own goddamn eating is fucking worthless, undeserving of anything.

Other thoughts -
I probably became like this because I have no life. Literally. The only thing I do, day in and day out - School, work, read, read, read, computer, computer, computer. I spend about five hours on the computer everyday. And I'm lonely.
I have friends, yes, but I moved away from my city 2 1/2 years ago to a small town almost an hour away. I've slowly drifted apart from my old friends -even one of my best friends- and now the only one I see from time to time is my best friend R (I'll talk more about her later).
At my new school I'm quiet but I'm not a loner, and I did make some amazing friends. We're all close and completely comfortable around each other. They are the most wonderful friends I could ask for. However, we're all so occupied with our future (college mostly), that we NEVER spend time together out of school. The only time we all got together was for our junior prom.
So that leaves me with no one to talk to.
And did I mention I've never even had a boyfriend? It's because I'm so shy and timid and sometimes I'm so fucking lonely I just don't care. Sometimes I like to feel morose and listen to sad music and look at sad pictures of emaciated dead people. I enjoy crying. I'm not trying to be a twisted, depressed freak.
What I'm trying to say is I have ample time to think, and I began to think about food, and fat, and blah blah blah and now here I am, with a fucked-up perception of myself, chilling out in my self-deprecating, melancholy mood.

But anyway.
I need to be placed in a cement cell for two weeks with nothing, not even water. I don't even deserve to eat my own shit.

I apologize for the obscenities. They are not powerful enough to convey my emotions.

p.s. - I also changed my profile picture to something more accurate and colourful