Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Skinny Love has gone bye-bye for a while. Again.
She'll be back.

She discovered the deli section in Target.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

sick pigs and bald heads

My mum says it's the swine flu. H1N1 virus OH MY GOD what ever shall I do?
My only reaction to her diagnosis was to immediately get in my bed - and not wake for TWO entire days.
I slept for almost 48 hours! I know I've been depriving myself of sleep, but holy shiitake mushrooms.

Anyway, so when you've got the flu you don't really have an appetite (at least, I don't).
I feel nauseated and every smell gives me the [unintentional] urge to purge - hey, that's catchy! URGE TO PURGE! URGE TO PURGE! .........sorry.

So I ate loads of Saltine crackers and apples & oranges. No binge-eating for four days straight! Hooray me!

Guess what?? I've found a new incentive for restricting and becoming thinner --------------

I want to shave my hair off. I've been sorta-kinda wanting to for a while now. The only thing hindering my sorta-kinda wish was the fact that I'm just too damn fat.

Oh and my mum's got cancer (I'm still and ignorant as to what type)...she's going through chemotherapy. Her hair had begun to fall out in patches. She didn't have much hair to begin with, so she was very reluctant to shave it off. Instead she started to wear hats and bandannas.
Then her "family" at the skydiving place (which is her second home, honestly!) decided it was high time she ditch the hats and just embrace herself and so they shaved her hair. They're wonderful :D
So I think by shaving my hair I'll join my mum's cause and she won't feel so alone, I think. And doing something as audacious as shaving my hair for my mum is an act of big loveylove, don't you think?
Oh yeah, and she weighs 105 lbs. And she's two inches taller than me. Boo!

I want to shave my hair, but I still want to look like a FEMALE.
No, I don't mind adrogynous looks - in fact, I favour adrog. styles - I just don't want people to mistake me for a man. It's happened before.
I know I don't look like a man but some people are ridiculous.
But I digress. I know for a fact that I'll look better if I were THIN and bald than FAT and bald.

Let's compare thin -

With fat -

Ignore the fact that it's a man. But don't you think he would look loads better sans fat?
And obviously the Jessica Biel & Angelina Jolie photos are fake, but they're thin and still ridiculously beautiful.

Anwho, you get the picture. To be bald, I must first be thin.

Other than's uneventful.
University and work and no bingeing and it's raining and that's it.

This post is all over the place and pointless but I love youuu

Thursday, 8 October 2009

I can't take it anymore

I've been a coward - that's why I haven't posted in almost a month.

I didn't want to get on here because I was afraid of failing, and then you guys knowing about it when I recounted my day....
The thing is, I do worse when I don't blog. Without the unwavering support I receive from you, I am not able to restrict, resist, or control myself at all.

I realise I NEED you.

I was so stupid to think that not blogging would help me sort out my shit.
You guys are what fuels me, what gives me the motivation to control myself and lose weight! I can't do this without you, what the hell was I thinking??

When I don't blog, I don't have anyone but myself to tell me when to stop bingeing or when to resist. Right now I'm not strong enough to fend for myself. I need all the support you're willing to give me.

And when I don't blog, my goals aren't met. I was supposed to be at least 127 lbs. by yesterday, for the White Lies & Kings of Leon concert. Was I?
Hell no. I was 140 AGAIN.

You know how the weight that people always seem to end up as? How it's supposed to be their "happy weight"?

I always end up at 140. And I can tell you it is not my fucking happy weight.
It's my unhappy weight. I know what my almost-happy weight is, and it is most definitely NOT 140.

My dad just came back from Afghanistan (he's not in the army, he owns a company there). He weighs THREE pounds LESS than me.
What the fuck? What the FUCK??

I know my dad is small and to a normal person's perspective I'm a "normal" weight, but when your dad is THREE bloody pounds LIGHTER than you, you know there's something terribly wrong.

A daughter should NOT outweigh her father. That is unacceptable. That revelation was like my non-verbalised ultimatum.
I know I always say "this is the last time I ever do this..." or "I will never eat chocolate again" but I fucking SWEAR that this is the absolute final straw.

I would rather die than weigh more than my own father.

Oh, and since I outweigh him, I am now official the LARGEST PERSON IN MY FAMILY.
And I'm only 18 fucking years old.

I want you all to give me a reasonable (with an ana's perspective, meaning "ED reasonable", not "normal person reasonble", ya dig?) weight to lose by the end of this month. Pretty please.

I love you all so much. I want to lose this weight to please you, first and foremost.

p.s. - I met White Lies. omfgggg :O
(I'm the un-blurred one)