Wednesday, 16 September 2009

I'm being monitored

so I have to make this quick.
  • 136 :D :D :D :D :( it's bittersweet - I'm losing weight everyday, but I'm still fatfatfat
  • jump rope and crunches everyday are bringing tone to my body (<---that sounded weird)
  • I found that I can eat normal food at breakfast, then fruit for dinner, and I don't binge!!!!!!!
  • Everyday is under 500 calories.
  • there's a bug on my screen, teehee!
  • I love you all and the next time mummy dearest isn't looking I'll reply to your comments :]

Saturday, 12 September 2009

muchas gracias

100 followers - yowza! I'm so honoured to have all of you as my my friends :] Savory Sweet wrote a more eloquent post on the utter wonderfullness of you.

Today was a good day. I exercised for twenty-minute intervals all day long, while watching Man vs Food and Anthony Bourdain. It was difficult, seeing them eat all those disgustingly delectable briskets and curries and whatnot.

I have the house to myself until Tuesday. I've written out little notes to myself, ones that say things like "FATASS" and nice, cheesy ones that say things like "you can do it!!!". They're taped to the fridge, pantry door, and cupboards.

I'm finding it quite effective.

I'm down to 137, surprisingly. I had bran flakes, soymilk, a banana, V8, and an orange - 507 calories (which shocked me, but it was zero cholesterol and I burned 200...) If you're wondering, "why'd she eat today if it's Ramadan?" it's because I woke up late and wasn't able to eat startfast in time. Eating suhoor is so important that fasting won't count if you miss it.

As I'm losing the weight and becoming a bit happier I'll start to post regularly.

p.s. - New favourite show - "Supersize vs Superskinny".

Friday, 11 September 2009

I can go the distance....HAH


Do I even care anymore? I don't know.
I need to, to honour you guys. Because you know my love for you is limitless!

I need to "shape it up" and get my fat ass up. I will fix myself, goddamnit.

I have four weeks to lose 10-12 pounds - before the White Lies/Kings of Leon concert.

Laziness and unmotivation, begone. This obese bitch is about to perform her best vanishing act.

Monday, 7 September 2009

fatties have a difficult time hiding.

Mum - "You know what Skinny Love? I don't like you. You're always quiet, brooding, you seem to not care about school, you won't ever tell me what's wrong..."

Me - "I don't care what you think about me. I'm not liked by alot of people."

I went skydiving today. It was a beautiful experience during which -for the 30 minutes it lasted- my mind was NOT thinking of food.

My instructor was thinner than I am.

Back up to the 140s. Bulimia has been a guest in my house for the past three days.
Why do those three digits hold such terrible power and control over me?

I will reply to you. Soon.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

I can't hide my mistakes forever.

After Wednesday's binge, I didn't eat a single thing all day Thursday or all day today. Until earlier this evening. Mum decided she wanted to go to the store.
So we went and what did I do?

I bought three different kinds of chocolate, and I ate them all in the store. ALL OF IT.  I must be so fucking disgusting and worthless if I have resorted to getting loads of chocolate at the store and eating it ALL before even paying for it.
And oh, I'm paying for it. My stomach, god DAMN my stomach feels worse than after the binge. I refuse to purge 1. because it's just so disgusting, and 2. purging chocolate is the most vile thing I've ever tasted.

So we return home. I'm sitting on the couch digging my nails into my stomach, willing the fat to go far, far away, and mum comes into the room to show me the new shirts she bought. She showed me one, then pulled it off to put another one on. When she took off her shirt I had to look. I just had to.

My mother is the fucking Queen of Thinspiration. For middle-aged women, at least. I know it may be weird that I was staring at my mum's body, but I wasn't seeing her. I was seeing the most beautiful thinspo I have ever seen. I became so conscious of my rolls of fat and utter obesity versus her perfect figure that I began to cry. I had to leave the room before she saw/heard me.

If I could take a photo, I would.

I won't be 134 by Sunday. I can't fucking believe that after all my binges and screw-ups and mistakes and just everything, that I continue to do this. Eat myself to death.

All I can ask is WHY? WHY WHY WHY

Why the fuck did I have to be in this situation?

You know last year, during Ramadan, when it came time to break my fast, I didn't binge. I ate a little and STOPPED before I was full. I didn't binge because I hadn't been exposed to the world of ED's.

I was HAPPY. Thoughts of food didn't crowd my mind, cloud my judgment, consume my entire life. I didn't have to worry that the ONE cookie I was eating had too much cholesterol, or fat, or sugar, or fucking CALORIES.

I didn't know what thinspo was, I had never heard of the ABC diet, I treated food like food, not something to be despised or gorged on. I DIDN'T HAVE THIS FUCKING SHIT IN MY LIFE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I NEVER WANTED THIS, I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS.

Every bloody night I lie awake, going over and over and over the things that I shouldn't have eaten, the exercise I should have done, the calories I should have taken into consideration. I mean what kind of person wastes their PRECIOUS life on worrying about FOOD? WHY has this become such a massive ordeal? Such an obstacle that all of us (the ED population) must endure EVERY WAKING MILLISECOND of our lives?

Why must our happiness be based upon the number our scale says, or the measurement of our bodies? Why can't those things be insignificant? Why aren't we allowed to worry about NORMAL things, like "did I remember to water the plants today?" or "What time is the meeting?".
What's the point in pretending that our lives are normal on the outside? Why should we act as if our lives are perfect when we're DYING?

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIE. I want to be GRATEFUL, SELF-LOVING, HAPPY, CONTENT, LOVED, FOODGUILT-FREE. I want to NOT have such a cynical and bitter outlook on life.

I don't want to skydive anymore. I'm afraid the instant we jump out of the plane we shall land on the ground, because I'm so massive the gravity and momentum or velocity or whatever the fuck happens with the physics causes us to plummet down to the earth at 1123948572398723592759287592357 miles per second. And create the largest crater, a crater that destroys a 1/4 of the world on impact.

Goodbye for a little bit, my best, - my ONLY friends - in this sordid life. I don't know when I'll be back. Maybe tomorrow, in a week, a year, never, I don't know. I need to fix myself. But first I must destroy this parasite on my body. First I must rid myself of this fat, this hindrance to my happiness, this tumour on my life. I will remove this hippo of a person from the REAL me. My name is SKINNY LOVE damnit. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

After I reduce myself to a bag of bones, I will mend my mind.

I love you people so fucking much. I can't type anymore - I'm literally weeping and it's blurring my vision. I love you I love you I love you. How much can I stress that fact? So're all so............

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

I was hit

I was a naughty, naughty girl when I broke my fast. Instead of liquids-only, I ate an entire avocado, two slices of garlic bread, and a tablespoon of Nutella. It wasn't much food, but my stomach has shrunk considerably, and it hurt so fucking bad. So...I purged. DAMNIT. Or is it damMit? Fuck, why did I have to ruin my perfectly good liquid-diet? I am so bloody pathetic. I won't forget this b&p, I never do. But tomorrow is a new day, it's still Ramadan until September 22, and I WILL FUCKING STARVE.

so very hard by hunger today. It just rammed right into me earlier, so hard that I almost gasped. I am so. fucking. hungry.
I'm surprised I haven't felt any terrible hunger these past few days. I suppose it just built up and finally unleashed its terrible wrath upon me. I am literally bent over in pain.
Well, my jawline is defined. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm a fucking fat elephant.
I feel as though I've been starving forever...sort of how I think a person in a starving country feels. Hey, wait a second - isn't that what fasting during Ramadan is about? Feeling the same as people in starving countries?

I also wonder - malnourished people in starving countries have distended, bloated stomachs full of anything but food. Why do people who willingly starve and who become deathly thin not have bloated stomachs? Is it because even though we're refusing our bodies any nutrients, we're still healthier than someone in a third-world country?

I think my mummy dearest is on to me. She sees me drink, but not eat. Wonder if she'll figure it out? I may have to resort to chewing & spitting today. Chewing in front of her, to prove that I am eating. Ugh. I hope I don't have to do that. I'm afraid I may accidentally swallow the food, and then binge. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Monsieur Plateau is no longer

Came home, the scale read 135. I am so ecstatic, yet so confused at how fast I'm losing weight... It's been a pound a day...But if I'm 135 on today, then it should be 132 by Sunday, yeah? Whatever, I'm happy. So very happy. If you're feeling less than good, I'm beaming happy-vibes your way. lol.
PRAISE THE LORD, Skinny Love is at 136 :D :D :D :D
After a whole entire week, I've FINALLY lost two pounds - which is entirely too slow, but I'll go easy on myself because that weekend at my dad's is what hindered my progress.

I hope I'm 134 by Sunday, because you have to provide your height and weight to skydive so that they can pick the best-suited instructor...and I told the lady I was 134. So. I need to be at 134 by Sunday. Not for their benefit, of course, because they won't weigh me when I get there. For my benefit.

I've got 11 pounds to lose before I reach my lowest weight. Pray that I surpass that!

I've got to go to school now but when I return home I'll reply to all you lovelies. I hope you're as jolly as I am this fine Tuesday (or Wednesday, depending on where you live).

p.s. - this liquid fast, which I began yesterday, is not as hard as I expected...I just chew alot of sugar-free gum and eat a banana in the morning so my jaws don't become weak and useless...although my incessant chatter should take care of that ;]

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict ( <---- I forgot about that lol)
Overweight buffoon, but I'm smiling.