Saturday, 28 February 2009

My stomach most likely almost burst today. I did the one thing I swore I'd never do again. I binged and purged. I haven't purged in almost a month.
We had guests for dinner and I had to eat to be polite. So I ate some basmati rice...and that did it. After that I ate
  • two bowls of cereal
  • a poptart (I don't eve like those!)
  • ice cream
  • nuts
  • bread
  • some chocolate chip-nut-graham cracker thing my mum makes
  • teddy grahams

This all came to about 2,200 calories. holy shit shit SHIT. I was so full the food was in my esophagus, and everytime I laughed even slightly, it would come up to my uvula. And I continued to eat and drink water. Even my mum noticed the amoutnt of food I was eating and made piggy sounds at me. Finally, after my last chocolate conoction, I slowly walked to the bathroom and looked at my stomach. IT WAS MASSIVE. It protruded even farther than my breasts. I could hardly breathe, and my stomach was beginning to scare me. I had to rest for a second and wonder why the fuck I did what I had just done.

So I purged as much as I could bear, because all the damn chocolate and water created the most disgusting and vile tasting vomit I've ever had to purge. It truly is...I can still feel the remaining chocolate in my stomach and remembering the taste is making me shiver. Since it was so much food I was able to purge the majority. I finally finished, my stomach was a bit smaller, and I could almost breathe. But I had failed myself no matter what I did or didn't do.

Also - I went to the dermatologist today. I had to get a skin biopsy to see just what the hell the matter is with my appendages. The doctor stuck a needle in my finger to numb it, and then she cut off my skin and stitched it up. Now I've got stitches (whoa!) on the side of my finger, and they hurt like hell. But that could be a punishment for my less-than-perfect eating.

Anyway, I'm falling asleep as I type this, and I have to wake up insanely early to go to work. So I apologize for any typo's or grammatical errors!

One thing is for certain - since I won't be home (around observing family), I can restrict entirely. I know for a fact I won't be eating for a while becuase I would rather be bald than puke all the time. Even drinking water to restore hydration to my body is difficult because y stomach is still fucking full.

[the only good thing today - I noticed my toning exercises have paid off. My bi/triceps are more defined, my calves are muscular, and the knobby part of my collarbone is beginning to show]


Thursday, 26 February 2009

I went down to 125 again this morning! No tears of joy because I know it won't last. My weight fluctuates so insanely. I don't understand how I was 128 yesterday...I supposed food and water must really weigh alot?

I decided to eat today because I exercised a heinous amount, and I didn't want to risk fainting or something. I ended up eating about 1,000 calories....sigh. It was mostly fruit and god damn chocolate. My mom just HAD to shove a box of Godiva chocolate in my face.

My mom, 14 year old brother, and I weighed ourselves today. We like to see who's the biggest (we're a slim family...except for me). My brother "H" is 5'7 and 115 lbs. He's got the body of a model. And he eats as much as a bloody elephant, I swear. My mom is 5'5 and 113 lbs. I don't remember her ever eating alot, and she was also scary skinny before she had me. She gets pissed at me because I'm always attempting to give her more food, which she refuses.

And then I get on the scale and it reads 125. I felt like such a fucking hog in front of them. But my mom looked shocked and said "125?!? but you were 140 some time ago!". shit. How was I supposed to explain my weight loss? She knows I'm on a "diet"...but she doesn't know how much of a "diet" I'm on. So I told her 140 was so last year, and that I was 133 on New Year's Eve (lie lie lie!). She didn't look too convinced, and I'm sure she was even more suspicious because I didn't eat dinner...but she left it at that.
She also keeps asking me what I eat for breakfast, because when I wake up I do my sit-ups, pee, run downstairs and weigh myself (the scale is inconveniently located on the other side of the house, in my mother's bathroom), brush my teeth, get ready for school, then leave. She noticed that I haven't immediately been going to the kitchen, which is what I used to do when I used to eat breakfast. So now I put a cereal bowl in the dishwasher every morning so she thinks I ate.
I'll never weigh myself in front of her again. She's an intelligent, observant mother and I must conceal what I'm doing from her as best as I can. I love her, but she is going to ruin my plans. I can't wait to move out and live on my own!

Anyway. Since today I ate what should have been three days' worth of calories, I'm moving my starve day to tomorrow. It'll be easy because I won't be at home until around 7 p.m.
Then on Saturday, after a long vacation, I go back to work. This I dread terribly. I work in the food industry. At my particular job, we cook food that feeds 300-400 people THREE times a day. And we get free meals. I love my job because my co-workers are amazing people, but I'm also terrified of the food.
[One day I ate SEVEN chocolate chip cookies in a row. And these are no ordinary cookies. They're Otis Spunkmeyer Gourmet cookies. I'm not sure if they're sold in stores (we get them frozen wholesale), but if any of you should ever find them, I implore you to try ONE, and immediately distance yourself from them. I'm not sure how high cookies are on your yummy-scale, but to me they're to die for.]
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'd really love to quit (because of obvious food dilemmas), but the location is so near my house, and I get fair hours...AHHHHHHH!!
At least I'm on my feet throughout the entire day, lifting things and running about...but that burns hardly any calories. We'll see what happens.

I've begun to hoard food and stash it in my room. I've got a growing pile, the contents of which as of this moment consist of an apple, peanut butter crackers, and chocolate. I like to open the drawer they're in and gaze at them. It seems to help me control myself. I just hope someone doesn't find it.

You know what's fun? Going on youtube and watching videos of skinny hipsters dancing to AMAZING electro remixes. I particularly enjoy watching videos of club Blow Up in San Francisco. And dancing along with them, of course. It's good thinspo for me - all those thin, stylish-as-fuck people - there are maybe two fat people in the entire club.

Well, I look forward to really and truly not eating anything tomorrow. I'll be with my mom half the day, however...but I think I'll find some way to not eat!

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

starving snake

I have a pet albino corn snake who is probably starving right now (which is what I should be doing). I feed him two mice every Sunday, it's already Wednesday, and I haven't fed him! I feel cruel and terrible. So I have decided to eat absolutely nothing tomorrow, to punish myself for forgetting to feed my beautiful slitherer. If only I could survive for a week on only two mice.

But I look forward to no food tomorrow. I was fucking 128 this morning - but that's what I get for eating lard-filled-lasagna, crackers, and bread (I noticed that I've been eating a heinous amount of carbs for the past week). The only downside - the pounding headaches. Even though I'm still eating, everytime I stand up it's as if Thor himself were pounding my head. Who knows how bad they'll be tomorrow...with only water to sustain me?

Today I was able to exhibit even more self-control. I made dinner for the family again, and I felt a bit smug knowing that they were the ones filling their bodies with such fattening crap, not me. In fact, my 8 year old brother (who is at a normal weight) ate about two times more than I did today. I shudder at that thought.

  • Braeburn apple - 80
  • 3/4 cup Honey Bunches Chocolate - 120
  • 1/2 cup milk - 75
  • Banana - 81
  • 1/2 cup choc. ice cream - 130
  • Total - 486 (275 less than yesterday)

The cereal was scrumptious. I had been dreaming of it all day, and I savored every bite. Next time I eat it, however, I'll ditch the milk. I don't need that 80 calorie liquefied fat.

I didn't have time for exercising today because of the growing pile of school projects I've got. I'm a senior in high school, and I took as many college-credit courses my miniscule high had to offer. All the research papers and mid-terms don't allow time for being fit. And my dual-credit professors intimidate me and my poor teenage mentality.

I've also noticed that my haywire eating patterns have fucked up my period. It's now become unpredictable, and I hate that. I wish I was to the point where I didn't even have it anymore; then I wouldn't have to worry about it. And has anyone ever heard of chillblains? Well, I've had it for over five years and it sucks. It's itchy, it's all over my fingers, and worst of all, it makes my fingers look pudgy. I have the hands of a 200 pound woman.

But I digress.

Anyway, I feel giddy whenever I see that people have left me comments. I'm very obsessed with being accepted and being thought of as interesting, and knowing that people read my blog and reply makes me so happy. I really just began this blog to document my failures and accomplishments; I never thought anyone would actually care! This entire ordeal is made so much easier when you know you've got people going through the same thing. What I'm trying to say is that I am unworthy, yet grateful, for the support!


Tuesday, 24 February 2009


127 yet again...sigh. I guess the plateau I'm at is a result from my disastrous weekend. However I did begin my morning with 50 crunches (thank you Ana!).

Had only water today until dinner. Putting lemon in my water really makes it yummy, and sort of fills me up.

1 cup of honey teddy crackers - 150
1/4 cup count chocula cereal - 40
2 slices Pumpernickel bread - 160
1/2 cup Chocolate ice cream - 130
Spinach lasagna - 281
Total - 761

300 more than yesterday...
I'm full. full full full.
But I exercised. Loads.

For some reason I've been craving cereal (especially chocolate flavored) awfully bad today. So I bought some Honey Bunches of Chocolate, which will be dinner tomorrow. I can't wait to eat it - in all its crisp and chocolatey glory yummmm. Drinking only water all day will make it all the more delicious.

You know, I think restricting is both a terrible and wonderful thing. Terrible in the sense that your body obviously doesn't receive all the nourishment it needs, but wonderful because when you eat the very little amount your stomach can handle it tastes absolutly divine. You appreciate the miniscule bit of food you're allowed, and it makes you feel good to know that you aren't gobbling down unnecessary amounts that could otherwise be fed to starving countries. Know what I mean, jellybean? Ugh, I detest jellybeans.

And I sort of had an epiphany today...if I can call it that. While walking to my art history class I realized, "I can do this! I don't know what was so hard about not eating, but I can do it! I have finally mastered at least a little control; hello skinny love". But I just had a revelation. Restricting isn't hard. I just make it hard because I think I want to fill my stomach to bursting point, when I know deep down I want to be thin and beautiful. And that is precisely what I will become.

Monday, 23 February 2009

somewhat hopeful

I'm feeling slightly happier today.
I woke up this morning, with the same thought of fasting today...and I actually started off great! My weight is back down to 127, and I drank ONLY water throughout the day. Maybe it's nothing special but it was a big feat for me. I actually felt good. Well, other than getting a pounding headache everytime I stood up...

Around 6 p.m. I made pizza for my family, and since I hadn't eaten anything I contemplated going ahead and eating some. Actually, I almost chomped down the entire thing, but sitting with my family prevented me from doing that (thank God).
So I had two slices (with extra cheese and turkey pepperoni) which came to a whopping 457 calories. At least it wasn't anymore than that. I feel so stuffed right now, but it wasn't a binge so I suppose it's okay.

I think my mum has been noticing some changes in my eating habits. She's recently been making little jokes about me "only eating an orange for dinner" and such. So it's good that I ate two slices of pizza in front of her. She can't be suspicious if she sees me eat right?
I've tried to make sure that I leave no trace of this blog on my laptop. After I've posted my entry and done a little thinspo-surfing, I delete all the history and everything. I even use a separate browser for my eating junk than I use for everything else. I don't have a door on my bedroom so I don't play music while I type, in case someone sneaks up on me (which my siblings often do, and find hilarious). I don't know what would happen if I were caught...hopefully it never happens!

Thanks to Ana's (Depth Perfection) advice on the crunches. I'll add those to my growing exercise regimen! And it makes me happy when I see that people read my blog and comment. I feel all warm and bubbly inside when I know people find me interesting enough :D

Speaking of crunches, I saw the pictures I posted on yesterday's entry and I am so embarassed. How could I allow myself to become so disgusting? I think I may delete them. I don't want to cause more pain than you already go through. How's that for thinspiration, eh?

I've no idea what's in store for tomorrow. I think I will try to eat only an orange. If I was even able to skip breakfast (I NEVER missed breakfast before) and still think clearly, water and an orange and NOTHING MORE should suffice. I think I can, I think I can I think I can...

Sunday, 22 February 2009

why bother?

I don't want to talk about this weekend. I started at 125...
I'm so furious with myself that all I feel is sadness. I pity myself for not being strong enough and in control to stick with personal goals.

Saturday I drank some water and then went to the art competition. I was nervous about it; so nervous that my hands were shaking and my stomach was doing flips. It's not as though the art competition is daunting, it's just that I'm a very timid person and being judged and having attention on me racks my nerves. I was also embarassed about my fat self and I didn't want all the beautiful thin people to see me.
I stuck with my best friend "R" while I waited to be judged. After her artwork was judged she left to go eat (by the way, she is tall and thin, but she eats anything without fear of gaining weight). I was glad she left, because I couldn't keep up the "I'm so nervous I can't eat" gimmick - she's very observant. I was judged, and then I went home.
"R" and my Brazilian friend "M" came over afterwards. I made them hor d'oeuvres...and ended up eating their leftovers. shit. Then I got them some ice cream. Guess what was added to my stomach? I couldn't believe myself. And I felt strange to be eating in front of them, yet I ate more than both of them combined. Once again, my stomach began to hurt, but I didn't stop there. Oh no, I ate two packages of peanut butter crackers.

The next day I ate even more...and you don't want to know what/how much. I wish that purging didn't have so many adverse effects. Because I wanted to vomit all that shit out so bad. I got in the shower and saw how bulgy my stomach was. I stood there and cried until the water ran cold.

There's no point in saying I'll water fast tomorrow. Because will I really keep my word? I'm obviously not able to. I'm just a weak, fat liar. Everyone else seems to have such control. How? What are you guys doing that I'm not? Please tell me, because I want to feel proud that I can restrict and refuse food. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I can't keep eating anymore. I just can't.

My thighs rub together, I have spare tires, my ass is a water balloon.
This is me, the fat hog.

NOTE: I deleted my disgusting obese pictures to spare everyone

Please, tell me (truthfully) how disgustingly fat I am. I care very much what people think about me, and if I see that you know, and you tell me, I'm ugly, maybe I'll try even harder to become thin.

Friday, 20 February 2009

I am loathsome

This morning I weighed myself, and I almost died from happiness - 125 ohmygodtwopoundsfinallyaaaah. To celebrate I wore some Erin Fetherston skinnies that were very loose! (When I bought them I totally had a muffin top). All day long at school the only thing I thought about was how easy eating minimally was. I was suspicious, however. This was too easy.

Then came lunch.
Once again, a friend was going to throw away her food. WHY did that happen again?? It was a Healthy Choice Meatloaf TV dinner. I told her I would just eat the dessert part, but of course I saw the other parts (meatloaf, green beans), and I just had to eat it. I had to. So I did, and my stomach retaliated since it's not used to being fed during the day. That damn dinner was 290 calories. TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A 200 DAY! And I had already eaten half a banana (55 calories) for breakfast.
After that I felt ill and wished I could purge it all, but I would never do that at school.
When I got home I ate some grapes. And ice cream, pecans, walnuts, TWO packages of peanut butter cracker sandwiches (that's 12 of them), and orange, Rolo's, a fun size 100 GRAND bar, and a cup of that stupid pasta. All the while my body screamed and begged for me to stop, but it all tasted so damn good. I wasn't even hungry - I was merely eating because it tasted good...?
This was all too much for my stomach and digestive system, and after my deadly binge I spent the next hour in the loo. Not purging, mind you. I swore I'd NEVER EVER EVER do that again. No matter how much my stomach hurt.

Almost 2,000 bloody fucking calories. TWO THOUSAND. Worst binge to date, I think. This happened the last time the scale said 125. Am I doomed to fall to 125, then gain five pounds and go through it all over and over and over again? Why the hell did I do something so incompetent and moronic? I was so happy that I was losing weight, and then I eat like a morbidly obese person. But that's obviously what I really am, yeah? If I really had control I would have said "hell, no" to anything today. I could have lost more weight; now when I wake up I'll just be the gargantuan hog that I was.

I feel nightmares will plague me tonight. Demons pouring soup and bread down my gullet, bloating my stomach and adding pounds upon pounds of lard to my body, and I will wake to find that it came true. Serves me right. A monster tearing my stomach out would be a gift I am unworthy of.

Tomorrow I've got an art competition (Did I mention I was an artist? A student artist, that is). I was hoping to look nice, maybe catch the eye of a handsome art boy. But who will be attracted to a pregnant walrus with waves of fat overflowing down her body? I will hide my face behind my canvas, so the double-chin that sprouts overnight isn't visible. Perhaps I'll ingest some oil paint, and puke all my insides out.

Tomorrow is a water fast. I don't care if my hands shake and I stutter and my head pounds while I try to explain my created-by-a-fat-hippopotamus-artworks. I will fucking learn to control myself. Food is an evil thing. A terrible, unreliable, back-stabbing thing. Fuck you, food.

I hope other people have more strength than I do. I hope no one has to suffer a binge. It's not worth it. I feel like shit and my stomach is desperately trying to claw itself out.

Can I please just live in a starving country? Can those poor starving people live in my house and nourish themselves on my food? Can they take it away from me? I just want lose weight, that's all. That's fucking all.

Thursday, 19 February 2009


STILL 127 this morning @#%@#$^#!@!@#!@!! Gahhh, I need to REALLY restrict and exercise more if I want that damn 7 to go away...

I wasn't even hungry this morning when I ate my orange - I had THREE exams today, and I was very anxious. I'm fairly certain I failed all three...

Today at lunch a friend was about to throw away her rice krispy treat. I used to not like them, but I do now, and I really hate to waste I ate it. I felt so terribly guilty after that, because I NEVER eat anything around lunchtime, and there I was stuffing a ten million calorie glob of sugar in my mouth. A couple hours later I ate 7 almonds. This scared me because I know once I eat something in the middle of the day, I will most likey binge. So when I got home I looked up the calories - rice krispies are 90, and the almonds were 40. PHEW.
So for dinner I tried to eat as little as possible. I had
1/2 cup rotini - 105
Grapes - 25
slice of potato - 5
biscuit - 35
1 peanut M&M - 10 (I just had to, all I ever really dream about is chocolate...)
Then I high-tailed it out of the kitchen because I felt an enormous binge coming on....

The total for today was 388; I came dangerously close to going over my limit! But it's sort of alright because I burned 1,229 calories in exercising (and other things - I also include sleeping lol).

I've also decided that only stretching isn't going to do me much good. So I think I'll jog everyday, as well as alternating toning and stretching. My entire body is sore from last night's workout :D

hoping progress will come swifter...

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

127 today!!! Two pounds from yesterday, although I'm fairly certain it was mostly the food weighing me down the other day...but hopefully by Saturday it will be at least 125.

My cell phone has got this nifty little fitness program. It counts steps, miles, running, and then at the end it tells me my results (i.e. calories burned). Starting today, I'm going to leave it in my pocket to make sure that every step I take counts.

As for fitness, I've finally decided to squeeze some exercise time into my schedule. I've already got a sort of sedentary lifestyle; occasionally I dance around...but that achieves nothing.

So I'm thinking I'll do a variety of things each day. For instance yesterday, I jogged and danced. Today I did full-body toning:
8 lunges
35 sit-ups
20 push-ups
30 squats
80 inner-thigh lifts
(I know, the numbers are a bit lame, but I've only just started...)
Tomorrow is hardcore stretching.

I used to be in drill training (comprised of mostly ballet and flexibility workouts) in ninth grade, and my body was sooo strong and slim. Four years later and 30 pounds heavier I am going to be that ninth-grader again, I swear it.

I've also really come to like the livestrong website. I can search for any food imaginable, and it gives me the calories. I can plan meals, add exercises, and it gives me all the nutrition information.

Seriously, go to

Then click on "My Plate" and begin! It really makes everything easier.

Anyway, since today was a 400s calorie day, I decided to make the most out of each meal.
For breakfast:
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup cheerios
and half a banana
It didn't taste as great as I thought it would, so I think I'm finished with milk for a while. Which is a good thing, because the past couple days I had been craving milk, even though I don't like it. I'm looking forward to apples and oranges for breakfast again!

Dinner was:
2 small potatoes - 50
1 biscuit - 180
grapes - 13
My entire family attempted to get me to try some chocolate wafer thing from Puerto Rico. They tried for ten minutes! Finally my mum gave up and said I wouldn't eat it because I was on a diet...HAH. If only she knew... Anyway, I adamantly refused, because of course I can't have the calories, and mostly because I don't like wafers. I will admit, however, that it was EXTREMELY difficult to refuse it, because it was chocolate. I hated myself for not snatching it and cramming it in my mouth, but I was also proud that I could turn chocolate down. Thank God I did; otherwise I would have gone over my 400s limit...

Today's grand total was 438, and I burned off 695. My stomach is rumbling, which is exactly what it's supposed to do.
Tomorrow my limit is the 300s. Shouldn't be too difficult!

Tuesday, 17 February 2009


129 again today...I hope that weight doesn't stick.
I have to wait a couple days before the scale goes down. I feel the impatience building.
I calculated my caloire intake for yesterday - it was over 1,300. damnit. That's even more than what the livestrong site suggested. And, as is inevitable when I stuff myself, my stomach killed me all night long.
I know I need to add exercising to my daily routine...but I just don't have any time. After today, however, I'll add at least 30 minutes of a variety of workouts everyday. That'll prevent any binge episodes, because I CANNOT jump around with two pounds of food in my stomach.

Today I had:
a glass of milk - 150
2 petite redskin potatoes - 40
1/2 celery stalk - 3
cookie, m&m's, rolo's - 218 (damn, I think I went overboard)
10 grapes - 50
TOTAL - 518

Tomorrow I'll lower it to the 400s, I suppose. And then on Thursday I'll try the 300s. I think it'll be easier than switching from 1300 to 100... Even though I need to learn how to control myself so that 100 is all I get everyday...
Hopefully by Thursday I'll be back down to 127...


Monday, 16 February 2009


129 this morning - a little less than yesterday but still entirely too much.

The morning began well - I had half a navel orange and then (surprisingly) I was full. I saved the other half in a bag and ate it a couple hours later. I was surprised that I wasn't starving from the weekend; I'm sure my stomach was as big as a cantaloupe...
I found a 100 GRAND bar, but I didn't eat it. What with the orange being 100 calories, that miniscule "fun size" bar would have added another 100! I didn't want to gain 100 cals from a puny candy bar, so I hid it in my bag.
Around five p.m. a friend came over...and brought chocolate chip cookies. I at FIVE. FIVE FUCKING COOKIES. And then I proceeded to eat THREE slices of garlic bread, a slice of parmesan chicken, pasta, and of course chocolate. All the while I was stuffing food down my gullet my stomach pleaded and pleaded for me to stop. Oh, I heard it. The scary thing is I don't really realise I'm putting so much food in my mouth. My hand just automatically grabs some food and lifts it to my mouth.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just control my goddamn urge to eat? I'm not hungry, so WHY????
I know one thing - I figured out that if I don't eat anything only a few hours after breakfast, I'm less inclined to stuff myself come dinnertime. I could blame today's binge on the cookies...but it's really my fault. I'm just so damn weak and pathetic.

I went on today and set up an account. They've got this nifty meal planner thing, and you can search for whatever food you want and it'll give you the nutritional information. There's also a thing that you can set your goal weight loss (per week) on. I want to lose three pounds a week, and this is what it told me:

Really?? Over a thousand calories a day for a semi-sedentary person like me will help me lose two pounds per week? I don't think so.

Three pounds can, and WILL be achieved.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

recap of the weekend

If I could tear out my stomach, I would.

Friday (the day of the school trip) began good - I woke up at five and went to school. Waited for everyone to get on the bus, and we were off. After two hours on the bus we stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. I didn't even need to control food cravings because I loathe loathe loathe Mickey D's. So I ate an orange. Four hours later we stopped for lunch, and friends noticed I wasn't eating. I lied and told them my stomach hurt because I was carsick, but when we got back on the bus I ate half a nectarine so they wouldn't be too suspicious. I could hardly swallow it! After an hour we made it to the exhibit - it was absolutely phenomenal, but I can't say I was blown away. For some reason things don't phase me - not even skinless bodies that have been sliced in half to expose every organ. I was, however, completely awe-struck by the gargantuan dinosaur skeletons. OH. MY. GOD. I'd never seen an actual dino fossil before, and I was mesmerized.
Anyway, I took loads of photographs and then we left and two hours later we stopped at that diner. I did in fact order the chicken fried steak. Small portion my ass! That think was almost as big as the PLATTER it came on. I ate the whole damn thing and just the steak itself was enough to make me uncomfortably full. But of COURSE I had to eat the corn, bread, and okra it came with. I didn't eat all the corn and gave my okra to someone else, however. And of course, I had to try the "delicious" pie that everyone was raving about. They didn't have the one I was hoping for, so I got the apple crumb pie. The thing looked like pieces of pink raw chicken in a crouton crust. It was awful. I didn't eat it all, and by then I felt EXTREMELY nauseated. When we got back on the bus I grabbed a bag of Doritos and two granola bars to try and get rid of the taste. Bad idea. I felt even worse, and I hated myself for not getting the salad. I went to sleep feeling extremely sick (to my stomach, obviously).

The next day I went to my dad's. That's when the feasting began.
For breakfast I ate a huge blueberry pancake, a scrambled egg, afghan bread, and sheer-chai (a sort of hot milk and black tea drink). I was still full from the previous night, but I had to eat all my breakfast. For lunch I had a full plate of basmati rice, chicken, kidney beans, cauliflower, and then later on I had an orange, banana, and a snicker's. For dinner I ate TWO sandwiches and ice cream. And, being in an Afghan household, I drank green tea all day long. I could hardly move.

Today I had eggs & bread, sheer-chai, and an oatmeal-type thing. More chocolate and tea. For lunch I ate an Afghan version of wontons. For dinner I ate some more afghan bread, afghan cheese, and raisins. I can feel my stomach screaming for me to purge all the crap out and give it room to breathe. I weighed myself - 131. I gained six fucking pounds, but I'm really to blame. It's all my fault. I used to enjoy the feeling of having pounds of food in my belly, but I don't anymore. I liked having an empty stomach. So tomorrow I'm going back to starving. This time I know I can control myself.


Thursday, 12 February 2009

feeling ecstatic

So yesterday I consumed 400 more calories after I wrote. I totally gobbled down SIX delicious peanut butter crackers and some ROLO'S.
Last night I weighed myself and the scale said 128. Two pounds down since Monday...but I had so many calories....?!? hmm.

And so to make up for that 2,000 calorie (EGAD!) day, I had

8 oz. cup of orange juice - 110 calories
water for twelve straight hours
one fish filet- 120 calories

Oh, and two sticks of spearmint gum - 20 calories
and a miniscule breathmint - about 2 calories


I weighed myself after the fish-------- 126!!!!! I haven't been that weight for two years.
Two whole pounds since last night!!!!
I danced through my house after that. I feel so light!

Too bad I can't stick to it this weekend - tomorrow I'm going on a school trip to the Body Worlds exhibit in Houston - six hours away. We're leaving my school at 6 a.m. and returning around 10 p.m.
Which means I'll be with my friends and teachers ALL day. Which means I have to eat something, or my wonderful friends will notice.

So I think I'll eat an orange for breakfast - only 80 calories
No snacks or lunch - I'll just make the excuse that the exhibit ruined my appetite (what a joke! I can look at pictures of bloody bodies and still enjoy my steak).

As for dinner, we're going to some diner that's supposedly got some renowned pies. I looked up their menu and tried to plan my meal ahead. They've got a buffet - in my fatter days I probably would have picked that...but seeing how it's almost TEN dollars, no thank you! Maybe if I were bulimic I'd buy it. They do have a salad buffet...but I don't like salad THAT much.

I'm thinking either -

the small portion chicken fried steak with bread, corn, and fried okra, and a slice of pie
grand total: $8.88

OR I can totally restrict and have -

a tossed salad and a slice of pie
grand total: $4.28

GOD, what should I choose???? The difference in calories is probably in the THOUSANDS. And not to mention the second one is almost HALF as much as the first one in price.
But I feel so proud of myself for having less than 300 calories today, and until dinner tomorrow I will have only had 80 calories.

Oh - I said I'd talk about my dad's house.
My dad is from Afghanistan. Afghan people are some of THE most hospitable in the world. And food is involved. So much delicious, scrumptious, delectable food. And Afghans STUFF you even after your stomach has exploded.
Maybe that's why I'm so fat - being an Afghan is not friendly to the body.
Anyway, whenever I go to my dad's house, I know I'll go back home at least two pounds heavier. And I can't refuse food at his house. Not only because his wife's food is so damn delicious, but because they would make such a fuss I become ashamed.

So, chicken fried 10 pounds fatter steak with all the fixin's...
or measly salad?

I DON'T KNOW. I have a strong feeling all my control and restraint will melt when it comes time for me to order. I can just imagine my willpower side opening my mouth to say "salad", when all of a sudden my starving side slaps willpower down and screams "CHICKEN-FRIED-FUCKING-STEAK!". Oh God, oh God, oh GOD.

I could eat only half of everything at dinner and get a box to put the leftovers in...and it is the "small portion" (although I'm skeptical about how much smaller it could possibly be than the original sized meal).
And after my weekend with dad's to-die-for-food, I can come home on Monday and starve off all those calories and fat until the end of the week.

So it's (hopefully) settled then. I'll binge (and cringe) this weekend (mainly so no one suspects anything - I already don't eat lunch at school, and friends have noticed and asked), and then next week I'll try out this juice thing.

feeling almost beautiful.

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

once again, I have let myself down

1007 f***ing calories today. It's not even HALF of yesterday's. 
What happened to "only 400"?????

Banana - 100
Strawberry cupcake - 100
Reese's pb cup - 80
Pizza - 307
Chex Mix - 170
1/2 cup M&M's - 220
1 tblsp. ice cream - 20 (might as well have eaten the whole bloody container with how many calories I had today)
Gum - 10

I hate that bananas are so high calorie! They're so delicious, but I am going to have to find something else to eat for breakfast. For now I'll stick with oranges and apples - they've only got 80 calories, and no fat. 

I never have to worry about lunch, since I've got no money in my school lunch account (mwahaha). 

It's coming home and dinner time that I lose control. And it's not because I'm hungry from not eating lunch. It's because we have everything anyone could ask for in the pantry and fridge, and I just constantly graze and look for something to put in my mouth. 
I'm obviously not taking this seriously if I consumed THAT MANY CALORIES IN ONE DAY.
Lately when I go grocery shopping, I don't buy anything for myself except fruit and vegetables. I feel extremely proud of myself for walking past my once favorite aisle - the ice cream. I loved, and still love, ice cream. Especially the nuttiest, most chocolatey kind. But I haven't bought it in ages. Except yesterday. I had to go to the ice cream aisle to get some ice cream for my siblings, and I saw some Black Walnut. Remember, I LOVE nuts. So I bought it. 
And I bought a 24 ounce bag of peanut M&M's and a bag of ROLOS. I felt so terribly ashamed when I got home. I didn't eat the ice cream, and I stashed the M&M's in my dresser. Bad idea.
I could feel a string connected my body and those M&M's, pulling me closer and closer. Finally I just tore open the bag and stuffed my mouth with those delicious things. 
I ATE A WHOLE BLOODY CUP. That's 660 calories. OF M&M'S ALONE.
I stopped after that, and slowly put the bag away. 

Let me tell you, I had a horrid case of gas/indigestion/stomach cramps today.
Bloody M&M'S.
I'm giving them to my mum. She could use the calories. (She is taller, and weighs less, than me).

Out of all the shit I've put in my body today, at least I didn't like the ice cream. It was disgusting. So there's a chunk of calories I don't have to worry about anymore. 

I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks. I'm not sure I really want to...
On the contrary, I should weigh myself so that the triple-digits I see will show me just how FAT I am. 

Food - it calls my name, it beckons me. 
It envelops my body in disgusting lard and weighs me down.
I know I am stronger than that.
I know I can overcome my cravings.
But why the hell do I continue to stuff my mouth?

Here are some (condensed) lyrics from the song "Ecstasy" by ATB. They sort of explain my relationship with food:

Have you ever noticed, 
That I’m not acting as I used to do before? 
Have you ever wondered, 
Why I always keep on coming back for more? 
What have you done to me, 
I’ll never be the same I'll tell you for sure 

You really are my ecstasy,
My real life fantasy (oh yeah)

Not that I’m complaining, 
A more beautiful vision - I have never seen 
If you don’t mind me saying, 
A lifelong ambition to fulfill my dream 

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

first day

130 lbs

8 oz. orange juice - 110
four frosted mini wheats - 47


Klondike Heath ice cream - 240
1 slice of pizza with meunster cheese and pepperoni - 160
Fuji Apple - 80
3/4 cup of peanut m&m's - 660

1357 calories

I can't believe I had so much today. I'm shocked. Yes, shocked. But this is my last day of bingeing (it really wasn't a binge, but I feel quite sick from the sugar overload).

Tomorrow my goal is less than a third of what I had today - 400 calories.

Then Wednesday will be 300, Thursday 200, and on Friday I'm going out for dinner so I won't eat breakfast.

I also need to cut back because this weekend I'm going to my dad's. That is an entirely different story, one which I will tell tomorrow.


a little information

5 feet 3 inches and 129 FAT pounds.

For the past month I have been (unsuccessfully) attempting to lose weight. I cannot stress how difficult it is for me to refrain from eating.

Because of my love for food, I tried bingeing and purging. I did it three times, and I swear I will never EVER do it again. I despise throwing up. It is so damaging and just plain disgusting (like my eating habits). It was hard to quit, even after a mere three times. However, I realised my salivary glands were swollen (even after a week they remain swollen), and the acid would eventually destroy my teeth. I did love stuffing myself with satisfying to eat so much! But it also took me quite some time to actually purge; for some reason the food didn't want to leave my painfully stretched stomach. Anyway - I decided bingeing and purging was too much work, with unsavoury side effects and it gave me a sense of helplessness.

After that, for a couple days I was able to only eat about 150 calories. That led to an (inevitable) binge (but not purge! never again). My mum just makes some damn good food.

I haven't eaten lunch in two months, and my breakfast usually is a banana or half an apple. I'm able to refrain from food during the day more easily because I'm at school (high school - I purposely don't put money in my lunch account, so I can't buy food!); it's at home that I break down. My kitchen is a free-for-all. If you want it, you can eat it. Sometimes I wish my family was dirt poor, so that we wouldn't be able to buy food. I have four family members that I live with (we are a slim family - with the exception of myself), but we spend about $200 a month on groceries.

My 13-year-old brother is 5'7, 116 lbs, and eats whatever the hell he wants. (I understand this is his phenomenal teenage-boy metabolism). On a daily basis he eats three bowls of cereal, loads of junk food, ice cream, dinner, etc. One day he even ate three whole bags of popcorn (his weight didn't change). What I wouldn't give for that sort of body. All his bones show. I envy him, I envy him, I envy him.

Anyway - it's very easy for my body to lose weight. It's just not easy for me to control my eating.
If there isn't some religious obligation or something, I don't have any control. When I fasted for the month of Ramadan, I lost 7 pounds. Because I knew that I had to fast, I didn't eat. Not the case now.

HOWEVER. I am so completely disgusted with myself. Each time I tell myself "you won't eat but 300 calories today", yet I end up bingeing. This will not happen any longer. I WILL control myself and my unnecessary cravings.

This fat body WILL be beautiful and thin.

the beginning of a struggle

My eating habits, from the time I was a wee little one to the present, have been nothing short of disgusting. I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Each year I gained weight, yet I still continued to eat.

I'm not constantly hungry; rather, I have an incessant oral fixation for chewing and swallowing. I just love to chew and swallow, and once I've put one bite of food in my mouth, I can't stop. Control is not something my body knows. I can't control myself. At all.

So, I have realised the danger of my long love affair with food, and I will change that.

I've decided to blog then, partly because I need to keep track of my new plan, and partly because I can type so much quicker than I can write (and there's not wasting paper, either).

I am not starting this blog with the intention of slowly killing myself, although that is precisely what I am doing. I am intelligent enough to know the effects of my habits; however, I am willing to compromise my health if it means losing the lard off my body.
I'm doing this of my own accord.

I welcome support, questions, suggestions, anything. I do not welcome concerned non-ana/mia/ednos' who wish to change my ways, who wish to tell me that there are better, healthier ways to lose weight. Been there, done that. This blog and everything I do are my last resort, before I plummet into the terrifying world of obesity.

I am a revolting, gargantuan girl, and this WILL change.