Sunday, 22 February 2009

why bother?

I don't want to talk about this weekend. I started at 125...
I'm so furious with myself that all I feel is sadness. I pity myself for not being strong enough and in control to stick with personal goals.

Saturday I drank some water and then went to the art competition. I was nervous about it; so nervous that my hands were shaking and my stomach was doing flips. It's not as though the art competition is daunting, it's just that I'm a very timid person and being judged and having attention on me racks my nerves. I was also embarassed about my fat self and I didn't want all the beautiful thin people to see me.
I stuck with my best friend "R" while I waited to be judged. After her artwork was judged she left to go eat (by the way, she is tall and thin, but she eats anything without fear of gaining weight). I was glad she left, because I couldn't keep up the "I'm so nervous I can't eat" gimmick - she's very observant. I was judged, and then I went home.
"R" and my Brazilian friend "M" came over afterwards. I made them hor d'oeuvres...and ended up eating their leftovers. shit. Then I got them some ice cream. Guess what was added to my stomach? I couldn't believe myself. And I felt strange to be eating in front of them, yet I ate more than both of them combined. Once again, my stomach began to hurt, but I didn't stop there. Oh no, I ate two packages of peanut butter crackers.

The next day I ate even more...and you don't want to know what/how much. I wish that purging didn't have so many adverse effects. Because I wanted to vomit all that shit out so bad. I got in the shower and saw how bulgy my stomach was. I stood there and cried until the water ran cold.

There's no point in saying I'll water fast tomorrow. Because will I really keep my word? I'm obviously not able to. I'm just a weak, fat liar. Everyone else seems to have such control. How? What are you guys doing that I'm not? Please tell me, because I want to feel proud that I can restrict and refuse food. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I can't keep eating anymore. I just can't.

My thighs rub together, I have spare tires, my ass is a water balloon.
This is me, the fat hog.
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NOTE: I deleted my disgusting obese pictures to spare everyone
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Please, tell me (truthfully) how disgustingly fat I am. I care very much what people think about me, and if I see that you know, and you tell me, I'm ugly, maybe I'll try even harder to become thin.

5 comments:

Anna said...

I've posted MANY times that I plan to fast and then just didnt. It's hrad, please go easy on yourself!

what kind of foods do you eat? I know we are all different, but I find personally the longer i stay away from sugar and wheat products, the easier it is. the cravings dont stop totally, but they are much less intense.

one bite thou, and I am SCREWED!

Ana said...

You've got some pudge, but you're still in the cute range. Keep going, hun, you can do this. Commit to doing fifty crunches every morning, that's my new thing. At the very least you'll feel better. It helps tighten the muscles in your stomach, and makes you look thinner right away. Plus you'll want to not ruin that feeling with food.

The Districtator said...
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The Districtator said...

Truth from a dude: yes, you are overweight. That said, your skin is beautiful and your body shape and bone structure are such that you will look really great as you continue to shrink. I'm excited to follow you as you lose the weight.

The Districtator said...
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