Thursday, 26 February 2009

I went down to 125 again this morning! No tears of joy because I know it won't last. My weight fluctuates so insanely. I don't understand how I was 128 yesterday...I supposed food and water must really weigh alot?

I decided to eat today because I exercised a heinous amount, and I didn't want to risk fainting or something. I ended up eating about 1,000 calories....sigh. It was mostly fruit and god damn chocolate. My mom just HAD to shove a box of Godiva chocolate in my face.

My mom, 14 year old brother, and I weighed ourselves today. We like to see who's the biggest (we're a slim family...except for me). My brother "H" is 5'7 and 115 lbs. He's got the body of a model. And he eats as much as a bloody elephant, I swear. My mom is 5'5 and 113 lbs. I don't remember her ever eating alot, and she was also scary skinny before she had me. She gets pissed at me because I'm always attempting to give her more food, which she refuses.

And then I get on the scale and it reads 125. I felt like such a fucking hog in front of them. But my mom looked shocked and said "125?!? but you were 140 some time ago!". shit. How was I supposed to explain my weight loss? She knows I'm on a "diet"...but she doesn't know how much of a "diet" I'm on. So I told her 140 was so last year, and that I was 133 on New Year's Eve (lie lie lie!). She didn't look too convinced, and I'm sure she was even more suspicious because I didn't eat dinner...but she left it at that.
She also keeps asking me what I eat for breakfast, because when I wake up I do my sit-ups, pee, run downstairs and weigh myself (the scale is inconveniently located on the other side of the house, in my mother's bathroom), brush my teeth, get ready for school, then leave. She noticed that I haven't immediately been going to the kitchen, which is what I used to do when I used to eat breakfast. So now I put a cereal bowl in the dishwasher every morning so she thinks I ate.
I'll never weigh myself in front of her again. She's an intelligent, observant mother and I must conceal what I'm doing from her as best as I can. I love her, but she is going to ruin my plans. I can't wait to move out and live on my own!

Anyway. Since today I ate what should have been three days' worth of calories, I'm moving my starve day to tomorrow. It'll be easy because I won't be at home until around 7 p.m.
Then on Saturday, after a long vacation, I go back to work. This I dread terribly. I work in the food industry. At my particular job, we cook food that feeds 300-400 people THREE times a day. And we get free meals. I love my job because my co-workers are amazing people, but I'm also terrified of the food.
[One day I ate SEVEN chocolate chip cookies in a row. And these are no ordinary cookies. They're Otis Spunkmeyer Gourmet cookies. I'm not sure if they're sold in stores (we get them frozen wholesale), but if any of you should ever find them, I implore you to try ONE, and immediately distance yourself from them. I'm not sure how high cookies are on your yummy-scale, but to me they're to die for.]
I don't know what I'm going to do. I'd really love to quit (because of obvious food dilemmas), but the location is so near my house, and I get fair hours...AHHHHHHH!!
At least I'm on my feet throughout the entire day, lifting things and running about...but that burns hardly any calories. We'll see what happens.

I've begun to hoard food and stash it in my room. I've got a growing pile, the contents of which as of this moment consist of an apple, peanut butter crackers, and chocolate. I like to open the drawer they're in and gaze at them. It seems to help me control myself. I just hope someone doesn't find it.

You know what's fun? Going on youtube and watching videos of skinny hipsters dancing to AMAZING electro remixes. I particularly enjoy watching videos of club Blow Up in San Francisco. And dancing along with them, of course. It's good thinspo for me - all those thin, stylish-as-fuck people - there are maybe two fat people in the entire club.

Well, I look forward to really and truly not eating anything tomorrow. I'll be with my mom half the day, however...but I think I'll find some way to not eat!


dee said...

those otis cookies are great!!! our old apartment complex office used to make them daily - what a great treat they were when i was pregnant!!

Anonymous said...

Yay for raw! I already got a couple things from Whole Foods but I still need the biggest bag of salad greens I can find. Have you ever eaten raw before?

skinny love said...

just thinking about those delectable cookies makes me salivate :>