Wednesday, 11 February 2009

once again, I have let myself down

1007 f***ing calories today. It's not even HALF of yesterday's. 
What happened to "only 400"?????

Banana - 100
Strawberry cupcake - 100
Reese's pb cup - 80
Pizza - 307
Chex Mix - 170
1/2 cup M&M's - 220
1 tblsp. ice cream - 20 (might as well have eaten the whole bloody container with how many calories I had today)
Gum - 10

I hate that bananas are so high calorie! They're so delicious, but I am going to have to find something else to eat for breakfast. For now I'll stick with oranges and apples - they've only got 80 calories, and no fat. 

I never have to worry about lunch, since I've got no money in my school lunch account (mwahaha). 

It's coming home and dinner time that I lose control. And it's not because I'm hungry from not eating lunch. It's because we have everything anyone could ask for in the pantry and fridge, and I just constantly graze and look for something to put in my mouth. 
I'm obviously not taking this seriously if I consumed THAT MANY CALORIES IN ONE DAY.
Lately when I go grocery shopping, I don't buy anything for myself except fruit and vegetables. I feel extremely proud of myself for walking past my once favorite aisle - the ice cream. I loved, and still love, ice cream. Especially the nuttiest, most chocolatey kind. But I haven't bought it in ages. Except yesterday. I had to go to the ice cream aisle to get some ice cream for my siblings, and I saw some Black Walnut. Remember, I LOVE nuts. So I bought it. 
And I bought a 24 ounce bag of peanut M&M's and a bag of ROLOS. I felt so terribly ashamed when I got home. I didn't eat the ice cream, and I stashed the M&M's in my dresser. Bad idea.
I could feel a string connected my body and those M&M's, pulling me closer and closer. Finally I just tore open the bag and stuffed my mouth with those delicious things. 
I ATE A WHOLE BLOODY CUP. That's 660 calories. OF M&M'S ALONE.
I stopped after that, and slowly put the bag away. 

Let me tell you, I had a horrid case of gas/indigestion/stomach cramps today.
Bloody M&M'S.
I'm giving them to my mum. She could use the calories. (She is taller, and weighs less, than me).

Out of all the shit I've put in my body today, at least I didn't like the ice cream. It was disgusting. So there's a chunk of calories I don't have to worry about anymore. 

I haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks. I'm not sure I really want to...
On the contrary, I should weigh myself so that the triple-digits I see will show me just how FAT I am. 

Food - it calls my name, it beckons me. 
It envelops my body in disgusting lard and weighs me down.
I know I am stronger than that.
I know I can overcome my cravings.
But why the hell do I continue to stuff my mouth?

Here are some (condensed) lyrics from the song "Ecstasy" by ATB. They sort of explain my relationship with food:

Have you ever noticed, 
That I’m not acting as I used to do before? 
Have you ever wondered, 
Why I always keep on coming back for more? 
What have you done to me, 
I’ll never be the same I'll tell you for sure 

You really are my ecstasy,
My real life fantasy (oh yeah)

Not that I’m complaining, 
A more beautiful vision - I have never seen 
If you don’t mind me saying, 
A lifelong ambition to fulfill my dream 

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