can't.......breathe........

129 this morning - a little less than yesterday but still entirely too much.

The morning began well - I had half a navel orange and then (surprisingly) I was full. I saved the other half in a bag and ate it a couple hours later. I was surprised that I wasn't starving from the weekend; I'm sure my stomach was as big as a cantaloupe...
I found a 100 GRAND bar, but I didn't eat it. What with the orange being 100 calories, that miniscule "fun size" bar would have added another 100! I didn't want to gain 100 cals from a puny candy bar, so I hid it in my bag.
Around five p.m. a friend came over...and brought chocolate chip cookies. I at FIVE. FIVE FUCKING COOKIES. And then I proceeded to eat THREE slices of garlic bread, a slice of parmesan chicken, pasta, and of course chocolate. All the while I was stuffing food down my gullet my stomach pleaded and pleaded for me to stop. Oh, I heard it. The scary thing is I don't really realise I'm putting so much food in my mouth. My hand just automatically grabs some food and lifts it to my mouth.
GRAB, LIFT GRAB LIFTGRABLIFTGRABLIFTFATFATFATFATFAT and BAM, the scale reads two pounds heavier.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just control my goddamn urge to eat? I'm not hungry, so WHY????
I know one thing - I figured out that if I don't eat anything only a few hours after breakfast, I'm less inclined to stuff myself come dinnertime. I could blame today's binge on the cookies...but it's really my fault. I'm just so damn weak and pathetic.

I went on livestrong.com today and set up an account. They've got this nifty meal planner thing, and you can search for whatever food you want and it'll give you the nutritional information. There's also a thing that you can set your goal weight loss (per week) on. I want to lose three pounds a week, and this is what it told me:
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Really?? Over a thousand calories a day for a semi-sedentary person like me will help me lose two pounds per week? I don't think so.

Three pounds can, and WILL be achieved.