Tuesday, 31 March 2009


Day two of my restriction went a little less well than yesterday, but still good.
Down to 130 today....my fluctuations continue to baffle me.

Drank water during school to ease the pounding headache.
When I got home I made myself another fruit salad, this time with green grapes instead of a banana. It had an orange and a small apple again. I became full and didn't finish it.
I allowed myself a cup of Yoplait lowfat strawberry yogurt; I didn't eat it all, however, because I found high-fructose corn syrup in the ingredients. bleh.
I even ate a tablespoon of crunchy peanut butter. Damn, that stuff has so much fat! 16 grams for just TWO tablespoons! Good thing I only had one.

TOTAL: 478 calories
Burned off 552 calories

I brushed my teeth immediately after that, and put my teeth-bleaching trays in...because I was definitely about to binge.

30 minute workout and the rest of the night was dedicated to school work.

My prom is in THREE days!
The only thing I'm worried about is food. My friends and I are going the Cheesecake Factory before prom. I looked up their menu's nutritional information.....oh my fucking God. The majority of their dishes are 1000 calories and up. And their "weight watchers" choices aren't much better...about 550 calories. I don't know what I will do.

I will continue to restrict until Friday.
Should I reward myself with a trillion calorie double-chocolate-fudge-ice cream-chicken-pasta-bread-salad dinner? It sounds deliciously tempting.

And then there are the hors' doeuvres at the prom.....

"The more I try it just gets harder, and my pain is getting old
Sometimes my burdens get so heavy, and it seems too hard to bear
Sometimes I feel so empty, and it feels like no one's there"

Lyrics from "The Rain Don't Last Forever" by Hope*

p.s. a warm welcome to my new followers! I hope to hear feedback from everyone!

Monday, 30 March 2009

I'm a dizzee rascal

Okay, I think you guys deserve to know what's been happening in my life these past two weeks! I feel awful that I haven't really updated; I'm still extremely busy but I will try to update much more frequently!

And now, a somewhat condensed account of my spring break:

London and Paris were absolutly fantastique! I had so much fun. I went with 14 other people from my school. We stay in London for three days, and then Paris for three days. Saw all the major landmarks - Tower of London, Tate Modern, Big Ben, the Royal Palaces, Westminster Abbey, Notre Dame, Eiffel Tower, Louvre, Versailles palace, etc. We averaged about 9 miles of walking everyday; the second day I could hardly walk, but by the fourth day my legs had strengthened and become toned.

I saw maybe a total of FOUR overweight people, in both cities. I'm not surprised, however. What with all the walking and no fast food but McD's (as far as I saw), almost everyone is fit and thin. There were so many well-dressed, thin guys and girls that I wanted to cry in shame. I was truly embarrassed to walk the city streets, because of how uglyfat I am.

Some other things we did/saw:
  • Jack the Ripper tour
  • The Phantom of the Opera live performance
  • Seine River Cruise
Of course, it was inevitable that I would eat three meals a day. I didn't eat much for breakfast - mostly a loaf of french bread and cheese. For lunch it seemed all there was were sandwiches! But I love sandwiches, so that is what I ate for lunch six days in a row. They were all foot long, with mostly cheese, chicken, tomatoes, and lettuce. Dinner was already set up each night, so I had to eat it anyway. Thank God the portion sizes were smaller than here in the states! And I didn't ever finish it all (which surprised me because even if I don't like something, I eat it regardless).

All the food was delicious! Aaaaand - I stopped eating ketchup a long time ago because I found out it had high fructose corn syrup in it...but in London, the ketchup was HFCS-free! So I was able to have some with my "chips".
I also allowed myself a couple desserts each day (on account of the vigorous walking!). I will refrain from describing them, for fear of sparking a binge..

We never had time time to stop for food other than lunch, so I never had any snacks. It was just three square meals a day, drinking nothing but water.

I didn't want to leave and come back home, and now, two weeks later I still miss London & Paris and want to go back!

There is so much more to tell, but I think it would fit better into a novel...hah.
I finally stopped my binge rampage yesterday night. I resumed my usual nightly exercises (that I hadn't done in two weeks). I'm at 134, and it shows. I can feel and see the quickly-gained fat all over my body.
Today the ONLY things I ate were a banana, a small Gala apple, and an orange, all cut up into a fruit salad.
286 calories total.
The pounding headaches, shakiness, and dizziness have finally come back! Hurrah! I haven't felt hunger in such a long time...and it feels beautiful.
It's period time this week....ugh.
But I don't mind because my hunger makes me want to dance and jog and do pushups and that is precisely what I'm about to do. :D

Saturday, 28 March 2009

no time

Hey guys; my sincerest apologies for not updating!
I have been so busy this past week; my suitcases are STILL not entirely unpacked.

I'm totally stressing/freaking out because of school, work, and other things. Prom is a week from today, and I'm so terrified of appearing fat in my dress and in the pictures.

In London & Paris we walked an average of 9 miles a day, for six days. I did eat three meals a day, with no snacks in between. My weight maintained at 127...but the instant I stepped off the airplane onto American soil, my voracious obese apetite returned. I completely binged on all sorts of American crapfood. I'm at 135 lbs. as of this moment. That means I gained EIGHT pounds since I returned from my eurotrip. In the matter of a fucking week.
It will take me a few days to ease back into my restriction diet. As of this moment I've been shoving as many peanut butter crackers down my throat as possible. The excess amounts of processed food and sugar made my stomach so sick.

Ok, so I don't really have enough time to recount my entire trip (and I keep dozing off), but I promise promise promise to try and post the details soon!

Monday, 23 March 2009

a quick update

Hello skinny ladies!
I returned from my trip at midnight last night, and I am completely and utterly exhausted.
I have loads of stuff to do and very little time, so this entry is just to say hello, I'm back, and welcome new followers!
Much to recount about my trip, but I'm falling asleep so I'll leave it for next time.


Thursday, 12 March 2009

Europe to your neck in food

My weight has been at 127 for the past 4 days.
Understandable, because I've had about the same amount of calories (from 1200 to 1500), and I've been doing the same workouts every night.
That has got to change if I want to lose weight. This maintaining is not what I want.

On a different note -
Sunday (the day of my departure for London and Paris) is almost here! I'm am greatly anticipating the trip.
But I'm also concerned about how I will eat. I will certainly have breakfast (that will be strange), because of all the walking and sightseeing I will be doing. I'm not so sure about lunch (by the way, this is a guided tour, so we're on a schedule). If I can resist the variety of restaurants I will be okay. Dinner will be another story...

I wonder - even if I eat three meals a day, the food may possibly be more healthy than American food. And what with all the walking, I may be able to LOSE weight.
I dunno. I'll just make sure to weigh myself the morning I leave, and then weigh myself the night I return, eight days later.

I may not be able to post until after next week, so I will say au revoir for now!
Wish me luck on being lighter when I come back!

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

I cannot lie to you

I would like to tell you that I had only two apples and 1/2 cup of sliced peaches/watermelon today.
I would also like to tell you that I did not eat two Klondike Krunch ice cream bars, 2 cups of rice, peanut butter crackers, and three slices of french bread.

I had all of it. All 1,468 calories of it. HOW.THE.FUCK.DO.I.MANAGE.TO.EAT.SO.FUCKING.MUCH.

Do I have binge-eating disorder?
Compulsive over-eating?
Lusting-for-fat disorder??

WHERE did the control I had when I only ate two stalks of celery all day go?
Why the fuck am I eating thousands of calories?

I am fully aware of what I'm doing to my body.
So why the fuck can't I just......stop?

Should I say that I will eat nothing tomorrow? I don't enjoy breaking promises.
I want people to see me as someone who is in control, knows when to stop.
Not as a weak, worthless, promise-breaking fat hog.

I will not be beautiful over spring break.
The slim French and Brits will point and laugh "look at the obese American!", and I will eat more and more and more...

because if I'm already fat, why does it matter?

Monday, 9 March 2009

second day screw-up

Back down to 127 again...for today at least.

Way to go girl! You binged AND purged today! You thought you were so in control and strong, but apparently not! You just couldn't stay away from the cake, cookies, and steak, could you? Maybe you thought you could burn off the chicken, mac & cheese, and bread. Or maybe you just don't give a fucking damn about losing weight and actually sticking to a goal you swore up and down to meet. Wasn't this supposed to be a raw food only week? Weren't you supposed to eat under 300 calories? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LOSING WEIGHT.
It obviously doesn't matter that you have 5 research projects due by Friday, or that you have to work everyday. You seem to be more interested in stuffing yourself. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TIME FOR FOOD. You should be finishing all the work that needs to be done, instead of wasting your time eating.

I've failed, once again.
I went to the dermatologist this morning with my mum. That stuff on my fingers I had talked about is something called perniosis. I also had low blood pressure; is that related to lack of food? The nurse commented that my blood pressure was "a little on the low side", but mum said she'd always had low blood pressure.

On our way back from the doctor's, my mum decided she was dying for fries, so we went to McDonald's. She asked me if I wanted anything, and I asked for a fruit salad (some apple/walnut thing). It was a little over $2 so mum refused. She's very stingy. So I didn't order anything. she got a McDouble and small fries (from the dollar menu).
Now, I detest McDonald's burgers. Unless you buy a burger that isn't on the dollar menu (mum's stinginess has rubbed off on me), the only thing on there is meat, cheese, ketchup, pickles, and diced onion. I refuse to eat a burger if it doesn't have mustard, tomatoes, or lettuce. A burger is not a burger if there is no lettuce!
So anyway, everytime mum chomped down on her burger, I felt like snatching it from her and shoving it in my mouth, along with the fries. I forced myself to look out the window so mum wouldn't see me drooling at the disgusting food.

At lunch today, I sat for a few minutes watching everyone eat. Against all my better judgment I got up and bought myself lunch.

  • chicken patty w/ mustard - 180
  • 3 snickerdoodle cookies - 270
  • 1/2 cup alfredo macaroni - 140

I was incredulous, and the rest of the (school)day the image of food emanating fat in my stomach was the only thing running through my mind.

At work -

  • chicken fried steak - 280
  • 2 bread rolls - 206
  • 2 slices chocolate cake - 540
  • 4 slices of frozen peaches - 13

Total - 1,679
It seems to be alot of food (which it was, actually), but it was more of a calorie-binge than anything. I didn't stuff myself until my stomach exploded.

However, I purged a little when I got in the shower. I got very little out and I got a sharp pain in my throat so I stopped.

After that I jogged for eight minutes and did my usual legs/arms/abs.

I fucking hate myself.

Sunday, 8 March 2009

proud of myself, yet dreading the near future


Today was quite a busy day!
I worked in the morning, and let me tell you, it was DIFFICULT. We had cinnamon rolls again, and I almost died everytime I walked past them. They looked SO damn delicious. But I didn't touch them. Instead, I ate six little cubes of watermelon. But I love watermelon more than I do cinnamon rolls, so I had no reason to complain.

After I got off work my mum and I went shopping for a prom dress and things for my trip. We went all over the place - IKEA, Wal-Mart, David's Bridal, and the mall to Dillard's, Macy's, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, GAP, and Nordstrom. My knees and the balls of my feet are killing me, but I burned an enormous amount of calories so I'm just fine!
We went to David's Bridal first. I tried on about five dresses. I could hardly look at myself in the mirror I'm so fat. You could see my love handles in every dress. There were some overweight women there trying on dresses as well, and while they looked nauseatingly jiggly, it did nothing to how I saw myself. I didn't find anything there so we left.
At IKEA my mum bought THREE candy bars. She ate one of them, which had a total of about 540 calories. But her skinny ass doesn't gain weight. I wanted to shove them all in my mouth, but I was able to refrain! You don't know (actually you most likely do) know how frustratingly difficult it is to refuse chocolate.

Anyway, on our way to Forever 21 in the mall, we passed a Godiva store. My mum literally dragged me in to see if they had any free samples. They did - some roasted almond truffle. She gave me one and plopped another in her mouth. As we left the store and resumed our walking, I put the truffle in my purse and then said "mmm it's really good!" while pretending to chew. My mom laughed and said "you punk, you put that whole thing in your mouth!" and I laughed along. HAHAHAHA. I tricked you, mother!
We spent the next few hours split up, she walking around looking for eyeglasses stores, and I looking for clothes.
My mum's birthday is in three weeks, so I slipped into Macy's and bought her a Givenchy Absolutely Irresistible perfume set. After I had looked around some other stores, I met back up with her in Nordstrom.

I tried on two dresses. The first one I tried on was beautiful (and I bought it!). It's sort of...mermaid style? It's halter-neck with black beads coming down to my navel, and around the beads it's ruched I think is the word? It's a snug fit until to my knees, where the skirt iflowy. It's got a black and white sort of swirly print on it. Maybe I'll post a picture of it later.
The second one I tried on was even more beautiful. It was sort of grecian style (which is my favorite style). It had two layers; the bottom was cream-colored silk, and the top was black chiffon. the straps had black and cream beads, and they came underneath the bust. Even my mum was speechless when she saw me wearing it. It was 800 dollars. And that's why I bought the other one, which was FOUR times cheaper!

At GAP I bought two pairs of jeans. It took me, as it always does, ages to find a pair I liked. I'm extremely picky about my jeans, and in the rare instance when I actually find a pair that I like, I wear them for years until they are completely threadbare.
But the jeans I bought are cute, and they waist is high enough to cover my love handles. However, I did buy them a size too small, so that will give me even more reason to lose weight and fatty fat.

When I was in Forever 21, my lips became chapped and so I reached into my purse for some chapstick. I found my now smashed truffle instead. I didn't have a napkin and there was no trash can, and so I ate it. All of a sudden (and I am not kidding!) everyone who was fat/obese stuck out. I swear those were the only people I saw after I swallowed the truffle. It was sort of nightmarish. I saw them sitting at the food court gobbling fries, saw them in Lane Bryant searching for the largest size possible... Fat people truly disgust me. And they have for as long as I can remember. That said, I don't how I could have allowed myself to become an object of my disdain and disgust.
So during that fat I SPY I found my mom and told her I didn't want to buy that Baskin Robbins Snicker's Sundae anymore. She said "good! We didn't need a thousand calories anyway!" PHEW. I'm SO glad that I didn't get that sundae. The truffle incident will be forgotten.

By the time I got home I had been shopping for almost ten hours, and the only thing I had eaten was the watermelon and the truffle. I FINALLY felt weak and shaky again today! My head hasn't pounded from lack of food in almost a week. It felt so good to be back on track.
I made myself a fruit smoothie - nothing but a banana, apple, clementines, strawberries, and ice. It was yummmmmmmmmy. And I felt full and healthy after a while.

My total caloric intake was only 350, and I burned more than double that. yipppeeeeeee!
I was 133 this morning, and I don't really expect it to change by tomorrow. We'll see.

Hopefully I will be able to exhibit such beautiful self-control from now on, and not binge 'til my stomach explodes.
Because I felt damn good today. :D

Good luck to everyone!

Saturday, 7 March 2009

un-processed food, here I come

Worked 10 hours today.
ate (I need to find a different job. My current one is slowly turning me into an obese binge eater)
  • 3.5 cookies - 420
  • 1/2 cup broccoli cheese soup - 100
  • 1 bread roll - 103
  • 1 chicken strip - 114
  • 1 brownie - 127
  • 4 breaded veggie sticks - 160
  • 1 Clementine - 40
  • cheese fries - 295
  • chocolate ice cream with walnuts - 365

Total - 1,724

I ate fucking loads, and the only healthy thing was the miniscule clementine and now I'm at 131 lbs. >:[ This was, however, my last binge for a VERY long time.
...I burned off 1000 (jogging, crunches, squats) and I haven't actually sat down today. But it felt damn good to run until I couldn't breathe anymore, and my heart was beating like a hummingbird's wings.
And yet that still brings my total to 724. When I really think about it, it's just shocking that I can consume THOUSANDS of calories. A THOUSAND is such a large quantity.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to punish oneself after a binge? Please? I've slapped myself in the face a couple times when I tried to get a grip, but that doesn't work. I want to punish myself for being bad (anything that DOESN'T include purging and/or self-mutilation!). Now that I think of it...isn't starving a form of self-mutilation? Whatev.

I think I may need to change the line underneath my blog title. Here I am, eating four fucking cookies every other day when it says "I've come too far to take orders..."
God, what a bloody hypocrite I am!

Tomorrow is the beginning of my raw-only/fast! hoorah!

control is in my hands at last.
Good luck to everyone :D

Friday, 6 March 2009

bubbly...like bubbles

I'm warning everyone now - this is a bubbly, happy, exclamation mark post!

I'm so excited to eat only raw fruits/veggies and fast next week! My goal is to lose at least 2 1/2 pounds by next Saturday! And then I will look a little better for London and Paris!
Today I had two bananas, two stalks of celery, and an orange! I think I may be sick of bananas and celery now!

Hurray and welcome new followers! I apologize if this post makes me seem overly chirpy and idiotic!

And on Sunday I'm going prom dress shopping!! Hopefully I can find something small and beautiful that I can fit in!

Alright, I'll stop torturing everyone!!!

Control control control!
And by golly make your bad mood happy by placing an exclamation mark at the end of your sentence!

Thursday, 5 March 2009

anticipation and motivation

Next Sunday I leave for a week to London and Paris! I'm terribly excited and jittery!
So my plan to prepare myself (physically) is-
  • (Since I didn't stick to it this week) eat ONLY raw fruit and vegetables
  • Any sort of workout for at LEAST 3o minutes EVERY day
  • Try not to go over 200 calories each day (even though it's all raw)

I want to look good for all the beautiful Brits and French people!

I've also got my senior prom in the beginning of April, so I need to lose the fat.

Today instead of dinner, I ate lunch. I will NEVER do that again...even though I ate only a little, my stomach hurt.

I haven't weighed myself in a while...

Okay. This may seem disgusting but I wanted to write it down. And I'm certain the majority of my blog readers are female, so this is nothing you don't know! However, if you don't even want to find out what I'm about to say, just quickly exit out...

I've been on my period this week (I'm obviously not restricting enough if I'm still getting it). Since my first period ever, the first two days are absolute torture. I get a pain in my uterus that isn't so much cramps as it is a feeling of someone pulling and twisting it. Anyway, during those first two days, my flow is very heavy, and I get the horrible pains. I probably have a medium-low tolerance for pain, but I don't like to complain, so people get the impression that I've got a high tolerance (so occasionally if I become sick, people don't believe me because I don't whine, and they think I must be okay). Anyway, yesterday after the horrible dinner I went home and was hit with the absolute WORST pain I've ever experienced in that area. It hurt so bad I couldn't even walk, so I just sat for a few minutes tapping my fingers really hard on the table (that seems to help distract me). Finally I got up and got a hot water bottle and put it on my abdomen (which usually reduces most of the pain, but not this time). I was able to get to the bathroom after a few minutes of clenching my teeth and drumming my fingers. What came out was disgusting. Huge, long chunks of bloody lining. No wonder my abdomen hurt so bad! So I dragged myself to bed at 10:30 while clutching the hot water bottle to my stomach, and I fell asleep.

I wonder if I've got Endometriosis?

I think perhaps it was some sort of punishment for me eating so much.

Then this weekend I have to work again (shit, I have to CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL myself...I don't want a recurring work binge).

I found a coupon for a Baskin Robbins Snickers Sundae. OH MY GOD it looked to die for. It's a buy 1 get 1 free deal, so I told my mom we'd go out and get them on Sunday. She laughed and said that we wouldn't be able to eat anything else that day, and she is sooooooo correct. I looked at the nutritional information and almost died. But I want that damn Sundae so terribly. So I will have to fast until then, which will be hard, but the amount of deadly shit that thing has in it is ludicrous.

Look at the DEATHSUNDAE.

I sometimes find myself contemplated this eating mess I've gotten into. It's just....strange....how drastically my eating habits have changed. I look back and am baffled that I actually used to eat THREE meals a day, plus snacks in between. How could I have possibly fit so much food in my stomach?? And how could I (and most normal eaters) just pop something in my mouth with complete disregard to the nutritional value? I never used to look at how many calories, fat, cholesterol, etc. was in food. Most normal eaters don't, and if they do they think nothing of it.

And I really became the way I am now because of reading nutrition labels, for lack of anything else to read while eating. Then I began to think about it, and blah blah blah the rest is history. But I am completely obsessed with nutrition labels. I dig them out of rubbish bins just so I can see how many calories the food has, even if I'm not the one eating..... But anyway, as I said, it just baffles me how people can eat without ever thinking about what they're doing.

I apologize for such a random post but I have a plethora of thoughts running through my mind.

stay in control ladies!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

stressing out = fat gain

Same weight as yesterday.

Last night I went to sleep with a pounding headache, most likely from the sugar-loaded binge.

School is killing. I have 20-page government project due next Thursday, a Pathophysiology report due Monday, an English paper due tomorrow, and three art history reports due Monday. AHHHHHHHHHH! I should NOT have time for food. Unfortunately, I do.

Went to my friend T's house today. His mom cooked dinner (why is dinner so damn important?)...and so I had to eat. fuckfuckfuck. It was some sort of biscuit/chicken pot pie thing(?) with loads of cheese. I tried to eat as little as possible. For dessert she made a "Reese's peanut butter cup cookie cosmic brownie cake". I swear that's what she called it. My insides shrivelled up when she said that. A bloody REESE'S COSMIC BROWNIE cake?!?!? Those cosmic brownies taste horrid and there are 600 FUCKING CALORIES in only two.
She served some to me, and I ate it all - even though it was disgusting - just to be polite since I hadn't eaten all of dinner.
There were other things to eat during dinner as well, and I regret not getting them instead of the chicken pot pie. But I didn't know how many calories anything had, so I tried to be careful.
T and his family are quite large, mind you. T, his sister, his brother, and his dad all appear extremely pregnant. the only one not almost morbidly obese is his mom. But anyway, they think somethings wrong if you don't eat almost the equivalent they do. Which is why I ate, because even though I'm fat and I eat alot, I don't feel comfortable eating around obese people because I feel as though the "small" amount of food I"ve got is gloating...?

But when I got home I wanted to get rid of the piece-of-shit cosmic brownie taste in my mouth. So I ate a heaping (about 1.5 cups) bowl of Honey Bunches of Almonds with whole fresh banana and a clementine.
I asked T's mom about the food she made, and I was able to get as accurate the number of calories as I could get.
My total for today was a whopping 1,803....and that's what I get for accepting a dinner invitation. damnit.

Tomorrow looks brighter, no?
I have a headache again now, and my heart is beating so quickly.
And although it's only 9:50, I'm falling asleep.

goodluck and goodnight everyone!

Tuesday, 3 March 2009


127 this morning...

I am still perplexed by this past weekend's weight fluctuation. Although I'm certain the eight pounds that have mysteriously disappeared since Friday were not fat! It must have been food and water weight. That's both reassuring and not. Reassuring because it means it was the food itself that raised the number on the scale, and not because I'll probably gain weight as a result.

But to answer RayRay - I haven't even...pooped yet! (defecated, gone #2, taken a shit, taken a dump...I'll have to find one I'm comfortable with typing on here hah) And water with about a teaspoon of lemon juice is what I have all day; it tastes wonderful! I don't think I will ever take laxatives...I really loathe using the loo, so I don't want that option. But I also hate purging...so I really just need to cease eating altogether to avoid both of those... And I regret to say that I haven't been eating raw...sigh.

And blogging most definitely helps! Like I've said before, I become giddy when I see that people actually read my blog, and comment. It's nice to know that-although strangers-you've got someone who listens to what you have to say. And I feel......accepted. Thank you :D

Anyway, at school today I was extremely exhausted, my head pounded terribly whenever I turned it, and my hands were shaking so much! But I felt elated...I guess that's what only 60 calories in two days makes you feel like :]

So to "reward" myself (in quotes because it's idiotic) I ate. What the hell kind of reward is eating after you've starved yourself? The reward should be the decreasing numbers on the scale, and the increasing visible bones on your body!

And so my reward was....drumroll.......
a binge. a fucking binge.
  • blueberry muffin - 130
  • can of mushrooms - 30
  • 2 choc. chip cookies - 240
  • 2 slices chicken/alfredo pizza - 320
  • burrito - 210
  • 1/2 cup count chocula - 60
  • peanut butter crackers - 180
  • banana - 110
    Total - 1,280

It's obvious how much I ate, but I was able to stop before my stomach exploded. It wasn't a binge-so-bad-food's-in-my-throat, but it was still a binge. AT LEAST, at least I didn't go over 1300...and even thedailyplate said I was still allowed 234 calories for the day. But fuck thedailyplate; that's still unacceptable >:[

I said too much today at dinner. I kept looking at restaurant adverts with desserts and asking my mom to make different desserts. She looked at me strangely and said, "you must be extremely hungry if you're wanting all those things". And so I had to come up with an excuse that since I'm on my period, I've been craving sweets. I guess she believed me because she said "that's what she deduced from my behaviour."

So now I make sure that when I eat it's around her. Although it makes her think that I eat constantly, and she berates me for "grazing" all the time. I wish I could tell her that I don't eat constantly, but instead starve myself all day long. There are days when I just want to scream at her that I have a fucked-up eating problem. But I would never. I don't need help to control myself.

Monday, 2 March 2009

complete change of mood

The scale said 130 today. I guess the five/six pounds of food I ate over the weekend decided to run away? That number is still shit, however. I can't believe that just last Thursday I was 125....

I have the most insane fluctuations!
But thank you for the encouragement (Ana). I did drink quite a bit of water...to wash all those damn cinnamon rolls down.
And so determined to fix everything, I fasted today...and restricting beautifully. I even sort of forgot to drink my water (which is crazy because I NEVER forget to drink water)...and all I ate was a slice of red bell pepper and half an apple.
My kidneys are hurting either because of the lack of water or from working 13 hours on Saturday. But that's the least of my worries!

Total was about 60 calories. Wow. That's the lowest amount of food/calories I have EVER consumed. I look forward to a gut-wrenching ache in my...gut...tomorrow when I wake up! And most likely some pounding headaches.

There's a Yanni concert on PBS right now. I'm itching terribly to go downstairs and watch it, but I have so much homework to do........I'm going to watch it. Maybe one of these days I'll tell everyone how obsessed I am with Yanni and his music.

Otherwise, I feel pure and sugar-free today...goodnight!

Sunday, 1 March 2009

you are so much better than I am

I drowned, multiple times, in a pool of self-pity this past weekend. I've gained eight GODDAMN FUCKING pounds since Friday. 2.6 pounds per day. What the fuck.
I'm so ashamed, but I want to be honest and get it off my chest. So I'll tell you.

I worked all day yesterday. I began the day excited, thinking since I wasn't around my mum, I could restrict. Breakfast came and went, and while I did gaze at the hashbrowns I was able to not eat them. Then lunch rolled around, and I thought, "hey, why don't I try out chewing & swallowing?"
So I grabbed a roll, a slice of veggie pizza, a chicken strip, and a cookie, and I hid in the restroom. I spent the next ten minutes in there, c&s as fast as I could so as not to be missed. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to chew but not swallow. I had to gag and cough a few times to make sure I didn't swallow anything, and after each food item I rinsed my mouth out with water. By the time I was finished my jaws were rigid and it hurt to move them. But I felt good. I was able to taste the food, without worry of calories or things filling up my belly. Until dinner. We had burgers...so I ate a burger patty with a whole plate of fries. And an ice cream sandwich and a plate of frozen fruit with vanilla yogurt.
When I got home I ate two brownies, a cup of rice, ice cream, cereal, and celery with peanut butter and raisins.
I went to go weigh myself and the fucking number was 134. ONE-THIRTY-FUCKING-FOUR. HOW the FUCK could I allow myself to gain 8 pounds in two days? I didn't even attempt to purge anything. Instead I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Fucking pathetic weak bitch.

Today (at work) I ate six cinnamon rolls, two cookies, three brownies, two hashbrown patties, a mushroom fajita, an orange, soup, and rice. This binge wasn't as bad as the M.A.B.Y. (most awful binge yet) on Friday night, but it was still terrible. Who eats SIX fucking cinnamon rolls? Not even a 400 pound person. I tried multiple times to purge it, but the only thing that came up was acid. Burning, tooth-decaying gastric acid. My co-worker "L" (who is quite large), jokingly asked me about the six cinnamon rolls. I just laughed it off and told her "they were just so damn delicious!" She totally bought it, and later on when I was pretend-acting hyper, she knowingly blamed it on the "sugar-rush rolls". Whatever. As long as nobody suspects anything.

On my way home in the car I turned on some opera at almost full volume and screamed, and I really mean screamed, at the top of my lungs until it felt as though my throat was in shreds. It didn't solve anything.
When I got home I ate three brownies. I once again tried to purge, but only acid came up. I was so fucking pissed. Why is it always SO HARD for me to purge? What am I doing wrong? I became so frustrated and when I went back to my room I stood in front of my full-length mirror and pinched and pulled and beat at my fat and cried again.
We had a guest over for dinner, and for some reason when I sat down and saw my plate, I lost my appetite. Why I couldn't "lose my appetite" before my M.A.B.Y. and the preceding binges confounds me. I just stared at my plate and mashed my food up with my fork, and I also put the majority of it on my little brother's plate. No one noticed. When they did talk to me however, I ate a few pieces of a carrot. Then I went upstairs and did homework and the leg exercises that aren't producing any goddamn results.

I also realize I was supposed to only eat raw today. I'm not even sorry. A gargantuan weak obese bitch who can't even control her own goddamn eating is fucking worthless, undeserving of anything.

Other thoughts -
I probably became like this because I have no life. Literally. The only thing I do, day in and day out - School, work, read, read, read, computer, computer, computer. I spend about five hours on the computer everyday. And I'm lonely.

I have friends, yes, but I moved away from my city 2 1/2 years ago to a small town almost an hour away. I've slowly drifted apart from my old friends -even one of my best friends- and now the only one I see from time to time is my best friend R (I'll talk more about her later).
At my new school I'm quiet but I'm not a loner, and I did make some amazing friends. We're all close and completely comfortable around each other. They are the most wonderful friends I could ask for. However, we're all so occupied with our future (college mostly), that we NEVER spend time together out of school. The only time we all got together was for our junior prom.
So that leaves me with no one to talk to.
And did I mention I've never even had a boyfriend? It's because I'm so shy and timid and sometimes I'm so fucking lonely I just don't care. Sometimes I like to feel morose and listen to sad music and look at sad pictures of emaciated dead people. I enjoy crying. I'm not trying to be a twisted, depressed freak.
What I'm trying to say is I have ample time to think, and I began to think about food, and fat, and blah blah blah and now here I am, with a fucked-up perception of myself, chilling out in my self-deprecating, melancholy mood.

But anyway.
I need to be placed in a cement cell for two weeks with nothing, not even water. I don't even deserve to eat my own shit.

I apologize for the obscenities. They are not powerful enough to convey my emotions.

p.s. - I also changed my profile picture to something more accurate and colourful