Tuesday, 3 March 2009

...

127 this morning...

I am still perplexed by this past weekend's weight fluctuation. Although I'm certain the eight pounds that have mysteriously disappeared since Friday were not fat! It must have been food and water weight. That's both reassuring and not. Reassuring because it means it was the food itself that raised the number on the scale, and not because I'll probably gain weight as a result.

But to answer RayRay - I haven't even...pooped yet! (defecated, gone #2, taken a shit, taken a dump...I'll have to find one I'm comfortable with typing on here hah) And water with about a teaspoon of lemon juice is what I have all day; it tastes wonderful! I don't think I will ever take laxatives...I really loathe using the loo, so I don't want that option. But I also hate purging...so I really just need to cease eating altogether to avoid both of those... And I regret to say that I haven't been eating raw...sigh.

And blogging most definitely helps! Like I've said before, I become giddy when I see that people actually read my blog, and comment. It's nice to know that-although strangers-you've got someone who listens to what you have to say. And I feel......accepted. Thank you :D


Anyway, at school today I was extremely exhausted, my head pounded terribly whenever I turned it, and my hands were shaking so much! But I felt elated...I guess that's what only 60 calories in two days makes you feel like :]

So to "reward" myself (in quotes because it's idiotic) I ate. What the hell kind of reward is eating after you've starved yourself? The reward should be the decreasing numbers on the scale, and the increasing visible bones on your body!

And so my reward was....drumroll.......
a binge. a fucking binge.
  • blueberry muffin - 130
  • can of mushrooms - 30
  • 2 choc. chip cookies - 240
  • 2 slices chicken/alfredo pizza - 320
  • burrito - 210
  • 1/2 cup count chocula - 60
  • peanut butter crackers - 180
  • banana - 110
    Total - 1,280

It's obvious how much I ate, but I was able to stop before my stomach exploded. It wasn't a binge-so-bad-food's-in-my-throat, but it was still a binge. AT LEAST, at least I didn't go over 1300...and even thedailyplate said I was still allowed 234 calories for the day. But fuck thedailyplate; that's still unacceptable >:[

I said too much today at dinner. I kept looking at restaurant adverts with desserts and asking my mom to make different desserts. She looked at me strangely and said, "you must be extremely hungry if you're wanting all those things". And so I had to come up with an excuse that since I'm on my period, I've been craving sweets. I guess she believed me because she said "that's what she deduced from my behaviour."

So now I make sure that when I eat it's around her. Although it makes her think that I eat constantly, and she berates me for "grazing" all the time. I wish I could tell her that I don't eat constantly, but instead starve myself all day long. There are days when I just want to scream at her that I have a fucked-up eating problem. But I would never. I don't need help to control myself.

5 comments:

Stina said...

lol, I think most of us say "BM" for bowel movement.

also, I'm glad to see someone else using the daily plate - even though I also try to get below what they say for my caloric intake.

your binge wasn't that bad, lady! tomorrow is a new day!

dee said...

oh my gosh - i can relate to you in more ways than one - we are the same height and i am still at 138-and i have the same issues with purging and laxies - can't do them - it's also difficult to go stinky (what my 2yr old son says when he poops in his diaper) all day long with my son around. you can do it. i would love to be in the 120's, but i need the energy to keep up with him - no food=horrible headaches for me/and i'm useless for him, so it's a matter of figuring out what works. we can do it!

RayRay said...

Whoa weird fluctuations man. Better luck tomorrow!

skinny love said...

to Dee -
God, I can't imagine having to deal with food while you've got a child! Hopefully you find a lifestyle that won't interfere to terribly with you and your son's livelihood! no food=headaches for me as well, but I also get them when I binge! arrgh

R Harlow B said...

that was a good save & quick thinking with your mom.