Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Skinny Love has gone bye-bye for a while. Again.
She'll be back.


She discovered the deli section in Target.
Shit.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

sick pigs and bald heads

My mum says it's the swine flu. H1N1 virus OH MY GOD what ever shall I do?
My only reaction to her diagnosis was to immediately get in my bed - and not wake for TWO entire days.
I slept for almost 48 hours! I know I've been depriving myself of sleep, but holy shiitake mushrooms.


Anyway, so when you've got the flu you don't really have an appetite (at least, I don't).
I feel nauseated and every smell gives me the [unintentional] urge to purge - hey, that's catchy! URGE TO PURGE! URGE TO PURGE! .........sorry.


So I ate loads of Saltine crackers and apples & oranges. No binge-eating for four days straight! Hooray me!


Guess what?? I've found a new incentive for restricting and becoming thinner --------------

I want to shave my hair off. I've been sorta-kinda wanting to for a while now. The only thing hindering my sorta-kinda wish was the fact that I'm just too damn fat.

Oh and my mum's got cancer (I'm still and ignorant as to what type)...she's going through chemotherapy. Her hair had begun to fall out in patches. She didn't have much hair to begin with, so she was very reluctant to shave it off. Instead she started to wear hats and bandannas.
Then her "family" at the skydiving place (which is her second home, honestly!) decided it was high time she ditch the hats and just embrace herself and so they shaved her hair. They're wonderful :D
So I think by shaving my hair I'll join my mum's cause and she won't feel so alone, I think. And doing something as audacious as shaving my hair for my mum is an act of big loveylove, don't you think?
Oh yeah, and she weighs 105 lbs. And she's two inches taller than me. Boo!

I want to shave my hair, but I still want to look like a FEMALE.
No, I don't mind adrogynous looks - in fact, I favour adrog. styles - I just don't want people to mistake me for a man. It's happened before.
I know I don't look like a man but some people are ridiculous.
But I digress. I know for a fact that I'll look better if I were THIN and bald than FAT and bald.

Let's compare thin -



With fat -


Ignore the fact that it's a man. But don't you think he would look loads better sans fat?
And obviously the Jessica Biel & Angelina Jolie photos are fake, but they're thin and still ridiculously beautiful.

Anwho, you get the picture. To be bald, I must first be thin.

Other than that......................................................life's uneventful.
University and work and no bingeing and it's raining and that's it.


This post is all over the place and pointless but I love youuu

Thursday, 8 October 2009

I can't take it anymore

I've been a coward - that's why I haven't posted in almost a month.

I didn't want to get on here because I was afraid of failing, and then you guys knowing about it when I recounted my day....
The thing is, I do worse when I don't blog. Without the unwavering support I receive from you, I am not able to restrict, resist, or control myself at all.

I realise I NEED you.

I was so stupid to think that not blogging would help me sort out my shit.
You guys are what fuels me, what gives me the motivation to control myself and lose weight! I can't do this without you, what the hell was I thinking??

When I don't blog, I don't have anyone but myself to tell me when to stop bingeing or when to resist. Right now I'm not strong enough to fend for myself. I need all the support you're willing to give me.

And when I don't blog, my goals aren't met. I was supposed to be at least 127 lbs. by yesterday, for the White Lies & Kings of Leon concert. Was I?
Hell no. I was 140 AGAIN.

You know how the weight that people always seem to end up as? How it's supposed to be their "happy weight"?

I always end up at 140. And I can tell you it is not my fucking happy weight.
It's my unhappy weight. I know what my almost-happy weight is, and it is most definitely NOT 140.

My dad just came back from Afghanistan (he's not in the army, he owns a company there). He weighs THREE pounds LESS than me.
What the fuck? What the FUCK??

I know my dad is small and to a normal person's perspective I'm a "normal" weight, but when your dad is THREE bloody pounds LIGHTER than you, you know there's something terribly wrong.

A daughter should NOT outweigh her father. That is unacceptable. That revelation was like my non-verbalised ultimatum.
I know I always say "this is the last time I ever do this..." or "I will never eat chocolate again" but I fucking SWEAR that this is the absolute final straw.

I would rather die than weigh more than my own father.

Oh, and since I outweigh him, I am now official the LARGEST PERSON IN MY FAMILY.
And I'm only 18 fucking years old.

I want you all to give me a reasonable (with an ana's perspective, meaning "ED reasonable", not "normal person reasonble", ya dig?) weight to lose by the end of this month. Pretty please.

I love you all so much. I want to lose this weight to please you, first and foremost.

p.s. - I met White Lies. omfgggg :O
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(I'm the un-blurred one)

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

I'm being monitored

so I have to make this quick.
  • 136 :D :D :D :D :( it's bittersweet - I'm losing weight everyday, but I'm still fatfatfat
  • jump rope and crunches everyday are bringing tone to my body (<---that sounded weird)
  • I found that I can eat normal food at breakfast, then fruit for dinner, and I don't binge!!!!!!!
  • Everyday is under 500 calories.
  • there's a bug on my screen, teehee!
  • I love you all and the next time mummy dearest isn't looking I'll reply to your comments :]

Saturday, 12 September 2009

muchas gracias

100 followers - yowza! I'm so honoured to have all of you as my followers...as my friends :] Savory Sweet wrote a more eloquent post on the utter wonderfullness of you.

Today was a good day. I exercised for twenty-minute intervals all day long, while watching Man vs Food and Anthony Bourdain. It was difficult, seeing them eat all those disgustingly delectable briskets and curries and whatnot.

I have the house to myself until Tuesday. I've written out little notes to myself, ones that say things like "FATASS" and nice, cheesy ones that say things like "you can do it!!!". They're taped to the fridge, pantry door, and cupboards.

I'm finding it quite effective.

I'm down to 137, surprisingly. I had bran flakes, soymilk, a banana, V8, and an orange - 507 calories (which shocked me, but it was zero cholesterol and I burned 200...) If you're wondering, "why'd she eat today if it's Ramadan?" it's because I woke up late and wasn't able to eat startfast in time. Eating suhoor is so important that fasting won't count if you miss it.

As I'm losing the weight and becoming a bit happier I'll start to post regularly.
luuuuuuuuuvvv

p.s. - New favourite show - "Supersize vs Superskinny".

Friday, 11 September 2009

I can go the distance....HAH

139.

Do I even care anymore? I don't know.
I need to, to honour you guys. Because you know my love for you is limitless!

I need to "shape it up" and get my fat ass up. I will fix myself, goddamnit.

I have four weeks to lose 10-12 pounds - before the White Lies/Kings of Leon concert.


Laziness and unmotivation, begone. This obese bitch is about to perform her best vanishing act.

Monday, 7 September 2009

fatties have a difficult time hiding.

Mum - "You know what Skinny Love? I don't like you. You're always quiet, brooding, you seem to not care about school, you won't ever tell me what's wrong..."

Me - "I don't care what you think about me. I'm not liked by alot of people."



I went skydiving today. It was a beautiful experience during which -for the 30 minutes it lasted- my mind was NOT thinking of food.

My instructor was thinner than I am.



141.
Back up to the 140s. Bulimia has been a guest in my house for the past three days.
Why do those three digits hold such terrible power and control over me?

I will reply to you. Soon.

Saturday, 5 September 2009

I can't hide my mistakes forever.

After Wednesday's binge, I didn't eat a single thing all day Thursday or all day today. Until earlier this evening. Mum decided she wanted to go to the store.
So we went and what did I do?


I bought three different kinds of chocolate, and I ate them all in the store. ALL OF IT.  I must be so fucking disgusting and worthless if I have resorted to getting loads of chocolate at the store and eating it ALL before even paying for it.
And oh, I'm paying for it. My stomach, god DAMN my stomach feels worse than after the binge. I refuse to purge 1. because it's just so disgusting, and 2. purging chocolate is the most vile thing I've ever tasted.


So we return home. I'm sitting on the couch digging my nails into my stomach, willing the fat to go far, far away, and mum comes into the room to show me the new shirts she bought. She showed me one, then pulled it off to put another one on. When she took off her shirt I had to look. I just had to.


My mother is the fucking Queen of Thinspiration. For middle-aged women, at least. I know it may be weird that I was staring at my mum's body, but I wasn't seeing her. I was seeing the most beautiful thinspo I have ever seen. I became so conscious of my rolls of fat and utter obesity versus her perfect figure that I began to cry. I had to leave the room before she saw/heard me.


If I could take a photo, I would.


I won't be 134 by Sunday. I can't fucking believe that after all my binges and screw-ups and mistakes and just everything, that I continue to do this. Eat myself to death.




All I can ask is WHY? WHY WHY WHY


Why the fuck did I have to be in this situation?


You know last year, during Ramadan, when it came time to break my fast, I didn't binge. I ate a little and STOPPED before I was full. I didn't binge because I hadn't been exposed to the world of ED's.


I was HAPPY. Thoughts of food didn't crowd my mind, cloud my judgment, consume my entire life. I didn't have to worry that the ONE cookie I was eating had too much cholesterol, or fat, or sugar, or fucking CALORIES.


I didn't know what thinspo was, I had never heard of the ABC diet, I treated food like food, not something to be despised or gorged on. I DIDN'T HAVE THIS FUCKING SHIT IN MY LIFE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I NEVER WANTED THIS, I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS.


Every bloody night I lie awake, going over and over and over the things that I shouldn't have eaten, the exercise I should have done, the calories I should have taken into consideration. I mean what kind of person wastes their PRECIOUS life on worrying about FOOD? WHY has this become such a massive ordeal? Such an obstacle that all of us (the ED population) must endure EVERY WAKING MILLISECOND of our lives?


Why must our happiness be based upon the number our scale says, or the measurement of our bodies? Why can't those things be insignificant? Why aren't we allowed to worry about NORMAL things, like "did I remember to water the plants today?" or "What time is the meeting?".
What's the point in pretending that our lives are normal on the outside? Why should we act as if our lives are perfect when we're DYING?


I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIE. I want to be GRATEFUL, SELF-LOVING, HAPPY, CONTENT, LOVED, FOODGUILT-FREE. I want to NOT have such a cynical and bitter outlook on life.


I don't want to skydive anymore. I'm afraid the instant we jump out of the plane we shall land on the ground, because I'm so massive the gravity and momentum or velocity or whatever the fuck happens with the physics causes us to plummet down to the earth at 1123948572398723592759287592357 miles per second. And create the largest crater, a crater that destroys a 1/4 of the world on impact.


Goodbye for a little bit, my best, - my ONLY friends - in this sordid life. I don't know when I'll be back. Maybe tomorrow, in a week, a year, never, I don't know. I need to fix myself. But first I must destroy this parasite on my body. First I must rid myself of this fat, this hindrance to my happiness, this tumour on my life. I will remove this hippo of a person from the REAL me. My name is SKINNY LOVE damnit. I don't want to be a hypocrite.


After I reduce myself to a bag of bones, I will mend my mind.


I love you people so fucking much. I can't type anymore - I'm literally weeping and it's blurring my vision. I love you I love you I love you. How much can I stress that fact? So beautiful...you're all so............

Wednesday, 2 September 2009

I was hit

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I was a naughty, naughty girl when I broke my fast. Instead of liquids-only, I ate an entire avocado, two slices of garlic bread, and a tablespoon of Nutella. It wasn't much food, but my stomach has shrunk considerably, and it hurt so fucking bad. So...I purged. DAMNIT. Or is it damMit? Fuck, why did I have to ruin my perfectly good liquid-diet? I am so bloody pathetic. I won't forget this b&p, I never do. But tomorrow is a new day, it's still Ramadan until September 22, and I WILL FUCKING STARVE.
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so very hard by hunger today. It just rammed right into me earlier, so hard that I almost gasped. I am so. fucking. hungry.
I'm surprised I haven't felt any terrible hunger these past few days. I suppose it just built up and finally unleashed its terrible wrath upon me. I am literally bent over in pain.
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Well, my jawline is defined. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm a fucking fat elephant.
I feel as though I've been starving forever...sort of how I think a person in a starving country feels. Hey, wait a second - isn't that what fasting during Ramadan is about? Feeling the same as people in starving countries?

I also wonder - malnourished people in starving countries have distended, bloated stomachs full of anything but food. Why do people who willingly starve and who become deathly thin not have bloated stomachs? Is it because even though we're refusing our bodies any nutrients, we're still healthier than someone in a third-world country?

I think my mummy dearest is on to me. She sees me drink, but not eat. Wonder if she'll figure it out? I may have to resort to chewing & spitting today. Chewing in front of her, to prove that I am eating. Ugh. I hope I don't have to do that. I'm afraid I may accidentally swallow the food, and then binge. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Monsieur Plateau is no longer

----------------------------EDIT---------------------------------
Came home, the scale read 135. I am so ecstatic, yet so confused at how fast I'm losing weight... It's been a pound a day...But if I'm 135 on today, then it should be 132 by Sunday, yeah? Whatever, I'm happy. So very happy. If you're feeling less than good, I'm beaming happy-vibes your way. lol.
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PRAISE THE LORD, Skinny Love is at 136 :D :D :D :D
After a whole entire week, I've FINALLY lost two pounds - which is entirely too slow, but I'll go easy on myself because that weekend at my dad's is what hindered my progress.

I hope I'm 134 by Sunday, because you have to provide your height and weight to skydive so that they can pick the best-suited instructor...and I told the lady I was 134. So. I need to be at 134 by Sunday. Not for their benefit, of course, because they won't weigh me when I get there. For my benefit.

I've got 11 pounds to lose before I reach my lowest weight. Pray that I surpass that!

I've got to go to school now but when I return home I'll reply to all you lovelies. I hope you're as jolly as I am this fine Tuesday (or Wednesday, depending on where you live).

p.s. - this liquid fast, which I began yesterday, is not as hard as I expected...I just chew alot of sugar-free gum and eat a banana in the morning so my jaws don't become weak and useless...although my incessant chatter should take care of that ;]

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict ( <---- I forgot about that lol)
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Overweight buffoon, but I'm smiling.

Monday, 31 August 2009

Have I reached the dreaded "p" word?

Plateau.
137 for FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Please please PLEASE don't let this be a plateau. I need to lose weight CONSTANTLY.
With this week's liquid diet of 399-300 calories, I should lose a substantial amount of weight, and not plateau again. I HOPE. I've also bought a jump rope (or skipping rope), yay!

I'm going skydiving on Sunday!!!!!! I've finally mustered up enough courage. My mum has been skydiving for a year now, and she always tries to get me to go, and I adamantly refuse. I don't do heights, dude. I hate that flippy feeling you get in your stomach when you're on a massive rollercoaster, going down. That's actually the only thing I fear if I go skydiving...which is silly.
Anyway, mum is so small she has to wear a TWENTY pound weight belt when she skydives! WTF. >:[

I'm too lazy to post any photos on this post, but I'll make sure to tomorrow.

Love you all to death♥

Sunday, 30 August 2009

I wish I could eat my homework

Can I drop out of uni already? Please?


I'm back from my dad's. I immediately weighed myself when I came back, and to my relief, I'm still at 137.


Meal plan for today -
Banana - 120
1 cup orange juice - 110
1 cup cran-raspberry juice - 140
1 cup V8 - 50
Total - 421
With excersize I'll bring the total amount to the 300's. And then hopefully by Friday 134 at the MOST.


Blegh - weekly fatty photo time!
A BIG FAT DELETE
*Note - all of these are from a period of two years ago to the present, thus explaining the different styles of my hair, and any visible weight differences!
And you know, I have no clue why I'm even uploading photos of myself every week...? I've turned my blog into a vain-look-at-me-I've-just-post-photos-of-my-face blog. Perhaps I'm feeling just a bit happier each day as I lose more weight, and I'm going easy on myself and my self-loathing.....HAH.

What I really want to post photos of are my friends and family...but I won't evereverever do that.
Anyway....I'll leave these up until tonight. Happy fatty viewing!

Saturday, 29 August 2009

...

I got away with eating only a banana for startfast, and I convinced LJ to eat only a banana as well. But my stomach really felt as though it were being ripped apart from too much food, ugh.

Thank God tomorrow I'm going back home....although I fear last night's over-eating may have caused me to either gain, or not lose. EEEEEEEEKK. But it'll be back to my normal Ramadan schedule. And hopefully by the end of next week I'll be around 133-131.

I think I may do liquids-only for this coming week. Well, for breakfast. In the morning's I'll eat some sort of fruit, and then at night it'll be 1/2 each of chocolate soymilk, orange juice, V8, and then all the water I want.
135, I think
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Look at that fuckin' stomach bulge(s).
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P.S. - I have the sudden urge to binge. Fortunately for me there is absolutely NOTHING worth bingeing on here at my dad's, because he is a health freak and doesn't believe in junk food. THANK YOU :]

I'm as big as the Eiffel Tower.

At my dad's.

Me - "Can I eat just a little bit for breakfast, and then get more if I'm still hungry?"
LJ (dad's wife) - "No, you've been fasting all day! You need to eat, aren't you hungry?"
Me - *in my head* FUCK NO I'M NOT HUNGRY IF I EAT MORE THAN A CUP OF FOOD MY STOMACH WILL BURST AND SPEW IT'S CONTENTS EVERYWHERE AND I WILL DIE FROM OVER-EATING.


No scale. A mountain of food twice a day. Bratty siblings. Loads of college work. AHHHHHHH I hate stress!
"I don't wanna eat today, get this damn food off my plate, let's starve forever cause there's no stress" haha I totally stole that tune from Laurent Wolf.
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Another tourist photo - I look (more) massive in that coat
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Thursday, 27 August 2009

Nothing much to say

Except that I love all of you.
And photos -
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Still 138, but tomorrow should be down from that. I just weighed myself and it's 137 :]]
But then I ate some peas... and a gold dusted (!) laughing Buddha-shaped chocolate. BLEH. His obese stomach will cause me to gain back everything tomorrow. But I will keep my attitude positive. I reached my week's goal!

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

I'm in love with my professorrrrrrrrrr

of Philosophy. It takes all of my self-control not to stare at his handsome face lol.
I'll reply to your comments in a couple hours; I have to go sit with mi familia while they eat dinner.

Today the scale read - 138. Still fat but decreasing every day :]

I was trying to be a hipster ahahaha
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I only like this because of Monet.
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Mum made pecan-walnut-almond brownies. I ate one for breakfast (had a banana for startfast) and it just about murdered my stomach. I feel uncomfortably full and I'm scared that 138 lbs will be higher tomorrow morning :[
Even though I've only had a banana and the brownie I really really really want to purge this revolting flour-chocolatey pile of shit. But I must resist!

And I need to catch up on your comments! I'm lagging behind, and you guys deserve an ASAP reply♥

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

139 pounds say what? (still a fatass, however)

My class isn't a dance class. It's a fucking dance APPRECIATION class! wtfwtfwtf >:[
We'll go to the studio occasionally. Not to dance, no, but to do MOVEMENT EXERCISES.
Grrrrrrr. I'm actually looking forward to it because we'll be going to dance concerts/theatres/museums, but where the hell is the dancin' part????? Now I have to exercise at home, bleh.


And I've got Philosophy of Religion (I'm a freshman in college, if that wasn't apparent already lol), which I am ecstatic about because Religions are one of my most favourite things.


When I fast, I'm only hungry at around 8 a.m., then it subsides and doesn't come back for the remainder of the day. However, I am a huge lover/gulper of water, and I usually drink 3 liters a day. Thirst is much more unbearable to me than hunger. If I can't have my daily water, I'm as good as dead lol.


I think I'll begin calling breakfast "startfast", and dinner "breakfast". It makes sense during Ramadan lol.


Alright, I promised a fattyfat photo of me:
Versailles, March 2009 (walking 9 miles a day and eating three meals, no snacks kept me at 130)
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Mango's Vegan Cafe, Houston, July 2009 (I think I look decent for not having slept in 48 hours, yeah?)
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Oooh, you're becoming so bold, Skinny Love. Postin' two photos at once and all.
My "breakfast" (lol you guys will have to remember that I changed the name!) was 1 cup each of orange juice, chocolate soymilk, and V8. I actually couldn't finish an entire cup (liquid is so filling), so I only drank about 3/4 of each one. My total calories were under 380, so I'm doing well.
137 or 136 lbs by Friday?

Monday, 24 August 2009

kawlur boenz

Even after only two days of fasting and 350 calories each day, my collarbones are becoming visible :D

I'm taking a dance class on Tuesdays and Thursdays (actually it's one of my college classes). Soooooo now I can burn loads of calories and have fun, because I love to dance. (Wow, my writing is really rudimentary today, but I'm too lazy for fancy intelligent talk lol).

I can't write too long of a post because I've got friends over, so tomorrow I'll write more and post a photo.

You guys are the best :]]]]

Delicious reverse thinspo starring yours truly

You think I'm pretty? Think again. Have you ever seen the version of The Cat in the Hat with Mike Myers? And Alec Baldwin is the slick, handsome beau? And then when he goes home he becomes a disgusting, obese creep who wears a corset to disguise his massive gut? That's ME (not in the creepy way). I may not appear big, but my clothes posess awesome powers of concealment.

So let your disgust be known. I want you to tell me how disgusting and horrid my FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT body is, please please please! Make me hate myself even more so that I work even harder to reach my goal. I say this in all seriousness. LOOK. AT. ME. I am a humpback whale. I am the WALRUS, KOOKOO KACHOO.

These Diesels (the smallest ones) are the ones I want to wear the most.
Do you enjoy my stretchmarks and lovehandles?
I'm expecting my food baby to miscarry very soon.
These are my mum's jeans. While I can't even pull them over my walrus-ass, they're BAGGY on her. I intend to wear these, oh yes. I WILL fit into these deezinah geenz if it kills me.

I'm fat! Oh golly gee wiz I'm so fat! FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!

----EDIT----
I deleted my fattybody photos. You shall suffer no longer, my friends!

Sunday, 23 August 2009

Headshots

So I've come up with something. I think every day of the week I will post a photo of myself, then take it down the next day. Then at the end of the week, or rather Sunday, I'll put all of that week's photos together in one post, then take them down that night (Sunday night), and then on Monday begin a new week of a photo-a-day...
I'm doing this because I wanted to make myself a bit more identifiable on here...although I appreciate everyone who contains themself to just words sans photos. And also this way, no one will miss a photo, because they'll be here altogether all day Sunday.


A sidenote - as much as I despise myself and my body, I am quite vain and I think I'm photogenic. However, most photos of me are taken by ME. I never look good when photographed by others...really. I think I just know what my best angles are and I don't feel self-conscious taking a million photos of my face when I'm the one taking them...

So here they are
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  plus an extra:
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(This one is from February, when I was 125)
I don't really smile in my photos (because I'm always smiling in person lol). My expression is usually the same too lol, and I also take mostly headshots. So I think next week I'll post photos of me smiling, and photos of where my fatfatfat body is included.
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The fasting is going swimmingly - I had a cup of chocolate soymilk and 1/2 cup of applayysauce. I'm lightheaded and my brain is throbbing and I feel happyyyyyyy :]]]]]
Oh and I put new songs on my playlist, so no more annoying Evanescence everytime you visit my page lolllll
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Broke my fast at sunset - I had 1/2 cup of steamed white rice, 1/2 an orange, 1/2 an apple, and loads of water. I AM SO FULL bleh. The rice was unforseen. But, being the Afghan rice-eating machine that I am, I just had to have some. It was extremely difficult to stop at 1/2 a cup.
So I'm full, but not in the shit-I-need-to-purge kind of full. Wait, scratch that. I want to purge everything nownownownow. But I'll restrain myself.
Total caloric intake: 352 (after calories burned from exercise)

Saturday, 22 August 2009

fuck being female >:[

 went to sleep at 3:30 this morning, having set my alarm to wake me up an hour later for suhoor (breakfast during Ramadan)...and my alarm DIDN'T go off and instead I woke up at TEN. I jump out of bed, only to find that my fucking PERIOD has started. *&^@#%$@#$!!$@$%$#@@!!$#!@!!!!!!!!!!!

So I missed the FIRST day of Ramadan, AND now my fast won't count for a week because of my period which I now have to deal with and I fucking DESPISE menstruating SO much.

I WANT TO BE SO STARVED THAT I HAVE AMENORRHEA.

I apologise for my rant.

Anywhooooooo
I'm wondering if I should just fast anyway, regardless of the fact that it's not going to be counted. Does starving yourself while menstruating have any adverse effects? By that I mean will my uterus painfully shrivel up? I need help, please!

Hot Chip is one of my favourites ♥ 
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Oops, I should have explained Ramadan better! Sorry guys.
Okay, so for Muslims, Ramadan is obviously a major part of the religion. There's alot to explain so go HERE and you can read all about it :]


But about it not being counted - fasting becomes obligatory for all Muslims once they reach puberty, so around 13 years of age (and I'm sure it sucks for all those poor girls who begin menstruating at 9).

However there are exceptions to fasting. People who are ill, pregnant, menstruating, even travelling, are exempt from fasting, because it is physically draining and those people need sustenance. Can you dig it?


And then there are things that people may do during the day that will break the fast - sex, swearing, lying, etc. Basically immoral and/or impure things (refraining from sex is just so that the mind isn't occupied with dirty thoughts lol).

And if a person has missed any number of fasting days, they're supposed to make up those days before the end of the year.

So. I've decided to fast during my period - which will be for my benefit. Then when it's done I'll fast for Ramadan.

Friday, 21 August 2009

RAMADAN HAS BEGUN!!

Ramadan officially began this evening !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you can see, I am terribly excited because my wonderful fasting begins tomorrow morning, before sunrise :]
As far as food consumption/fasting goes I plan to:
  • wake up at 4:45 a.m.
  • drink a glass of chocolate soymilk, a glass of water, and eat an orange
  • go back to sleep
  • wake up at 8 and do whatever I may do all day long
  • wait for the sun to set and drink a glass of V8, glass of water, and MAYBE an apple
  • finally feel starved after too many days of bingeing
  • wake up for the next month repeating this same eating schedule
In my jolly state this ridiculous plan sounds good, but I'm sure I'll see the utter silliness of it later haha....but I think I'll be getting enough calories/nutrition (veggies, soy protein, fruit) to not die. I'm abusing my religion...Ramadan is not a means of unhealthily starving yourself...however it is a means of disciplining yourself and that is precisely what I am doing. Disciplining my body.
What do you think?

Here's a new photo (actually, it's old. this is from December 2008, a few days after my eye surgery and the beginning of my ED):


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Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Audacious me

Okay, ever since I told my mum about my ED, I've become a bit more bold on here (by posting a photo of my face). So I think I will now tell you where I live...and post another photo.
I live in Texas, yeeeeeehaw
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(I don't like this one - my cheeks aren't hollow...)
I don't know how long I'll leave this up here....I may even keep it. It depends on how comfortable I am with the chance that someone I know will discover this blog....what do you think?


p.s. - Have any of you seen the show "Starved"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz5uu1SAtqI
(That's Episode 1, part 1) It's a show about 4 New Yorkers with various eating disorders. It only aired for eight episodes I think, all on YouTube - I really liked it)


And also "skins" (this is a bit of an older show, and I'm certain all you Brits have seen it)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx7Afhwr6n8
(haha it's my favourite show - unfortunately it doesn't air in the US)

Where can I begin?

Becoming a member of blogger, becoming a friend of sorts with everyone on here, learning the trials and tribulations of everyone....all these things have changed my life so much. For the better.
Maybe we're not entirely honest with ourselves or each other when we write our posts, but I think we're more honest than we would be if we told someone in person.
My eyes tear for every almost every post that I read, because we pour our hearts out and everyone...understands. There is no judging of anyone (hopefully) and the support is monumental. I could never expect so much love and support from a doctor...or even my own family (as much as I hate to say that).

My biggest wish is to one day meet one, some, or even all of you. I say that right now, knowing it is most likely never going to happen. But I'll hope and hope and who knows? Maybe one day my wish will come true.

Anyway....
I think I'll post another picture in a couple days...

Even though I don't know you, I love all of you and I hope to hear from you soon ♥

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Did you know that life sucks?

I don't even know what to write..
How about a short list:
  1. I'm depressed, as I'm sure we all are
  2. My dad is in Afghanistan for three months. Please pray for his safety
  3. I cry every night thinking of MN (the one who shot himself)
  4. I'm back at 142 fucking pounds. Need I say more?
  5. My mum has ovarian cancer.
  6. She's going through chemo, so
  7. her hair is falling out and
  8. she's down to 100 pounds
  9. I know it's probably inappropriate to feel jealousy towards her weight, but
  10. I FUCKING WANT TO BE 100 POUNDS
  11. Give me cancer please, so I can go through chemo, PLEASE?
  12. I'm horrid for saying that but I don't give a damn
  13. I don't care if my hair is gone (which is what will happen anyway when I starve)
  14. My summer was okay...
  15. I almost had a fling but then I had to come home and
  16. I think guys find me too boring/arrogant/quiet/awkward so they run away. sigh.
  17. I miss posting all the time on here.
  18. I b&p yesterday. fuckfuckfuckme.
  19. I'm back to raw food today. But restricted to one banana, 2 apples, and one orange a day.
  20. The 22nd is the start of Ramadan so
  21. I'm going to fast, but instead of eating a lot for breakfast, I'll either drink a glass of chocolate soymilk (which I discovered/fell in love with this summer), or eat one fruit then
  22. starve all day and when I break my fast I'll eat something 200 calories or less.
  23. I'll try to calculate how many calories that is each day, and see how many pounds that adds up to (if I can figure out the math; I'm inept)
  24. I hope to be thinthinthin by October, when KINGS OF LEON AND WHITE LIES come to concert OH MY GODDDDDDDDD (I'm ecstatic haha). And then I'll look good in a bold outfit

I had a dream last night where I was half-asleep, and guys were scrutinizing me and saying that I had a pretty face but my body was enormous.

Give me some time to sort things out and I will trytrytry to become a regular on here once again. I still love and appreciate your comments :]

I think I'm going to be bold and post a photo of me. Maybe later today or tomorrow.....

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Okay, here's the photo. This is me two months ago. I'm still the same weight as I was when I took the photo; that's why I posted it. Maybe I'll post a more recent one soon. Anyway, I'm only leaving it on here for a short while. Click it to enlarge.


DELETED THE PHOTO

Saturday, 8 August 2009

oceanoceanocean

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!
For this post, at least.

I don't have the time, or the desire, to explain this entire summer right now! But I had fun, and I didn't gain any weight. But I didn't lose any either...

I also told my mum about my ED. I told her over yahoo messenger, which was cowardly, but it was the only way I could. I don't really know why I told her, but I feel so much more comfortable that she knows my deepest, darkest secret. She hasn't mentioned it since then, which I'm glad about, because I'm embarrassed.
The only problem is that I have to move downstairs in the bedroom next to hers...and she's going to keep an eye on me whenever I use the computer (I kept this blog and you guys a secret, but I told her about thinspo)

(She's down to 102 pounds)...but she's ill and had to go on a liquid diet for a while. I know I shouldn't feel jealous that she's losing weight, since it's because she's sick, but how can I not?

Anyway, I hope everyone has done well this summer! I don't know if I'll go back to before I went on hiatus and read everyone's blogs up until the present...
But thank you guys for hanging in there, and welcome to all my new followers :D

I'm in Galveston right now and our hotel has wi-fi (thank God). I'll try to post tomorrow...if not, I'll hopefully be back here in a few days!

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

fuck you, life

A brief summation of the past week and a half:

I've been at my summer camp job for a week now. I've continued my raw food diet, and I'm running, swimming, and walking everyday.

But right now, food is not the issue.
My mother's friend "MN" (the weird one from Wisconsin who lived with us, have I talked about him already?) shot and killed himself in my front yard last Sunday. I was 6 hours away at work, when my mum called me and told me.

I don't feel like explaining anything at the moment, except that I am in complete shock and denial. I can't fucking believe he committed suicide. In my fucking front yard.

I think I sound really unperturbed about the entire situation, but as I said I'm in shock.

Anyway, my reason this time for not posting sooner is because my camp's internet has a web filter...and blogger is one of the sites that's blocked. I filed a complaint and explained how blogger should be unblocked because of its similarity to MySpace and facebook. So right now it's being sorted out.

And the way I'm able to post right now is because I returned home for MN's memorial service.
So I'm hoping when I get back to work (in a few days), blogger will be unblocked and I will be able to blog periodically.
If not, I'll just have to find an internet cafe somewhere...

My life is shit shit shit.

I'm going to restrict on raw food, because I'm "in mourning".
And I just have no desire to eat.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

yikes

I am really becoming careless about updating this....
I continue to promise that I'll update regularly, and what happens? You poor people only get one post every four days. :/ Sorryyyy

Okay, so yesterday....I went to an Afghan party.
If you've read been reading my blog you know that Afghan parties (or any circumstance involving Afghans, for that matter) entails heinous amounts of food. Most likely enough to feed the entire population of Afghanistan.

Anyway, there were loads of people/relatives I hadn't seen in a while, and I was able to practice my Dari (official Afghan language). By then everyone knew about my raw-food diet.
However, REGARDLESS of that knowledge they possessed, they continued to badger me to EAT EAT EAT.
"Naan ta bukho dukhtar divaneh! Eat your food you crazy girl!"
The first few times they told me to get some food I politely refused. After a while, however (there were about 5o people there, mind you), I became increasingly frustrated with all the attention.

I was close to tears.

Then my dad's wife, "LH", came up to me and said "Skinny Love, why don't you just put a little food on your plate, because everyone is worrying about you, and it's rude not to eat their food anyway." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm sure you can guess what I did next. I'm weak.
So I said to myself, fuck it, I'll eat some goddamn food so everyone will shut up and leave me alone.
So I went and got some food, but no, "some food" wasn't good enough for them.
Auntie fat Afghan Number 1 would be devastated if I didn't eat some of her delicious kofta and Auntie fat Afghan Number 34 would be deeply offended if I didn't eat some of scrumptious maantu & lubiya.

So I feasted, to the exasperated/approving nods of everyone.
"It's just because she's only half Afghan. She's got that crazy always-dieting American blood in her."
Yes, I overheard someone saying that. In Dari, of course, because there were some American relatives-by-marriage there.

Are you bored with my traumatizing experience yet?

So today, LH told me she was glad that I had put my RFD (new abbreviation for the raw-food diet) on a hold while I was visiting. She said it was depressing watching me eat my salad while everyone else indulged in "Afghan food, which is actually healthy."
Healthy? You call food that involves, yogurt, beef, oil, chicken, oil, oil oil, rice, bread, CARBS CHOLESTEROL FAT healthy?!?

I don't think so girlfraaann.

But, being the polite, unable-to-say-"no" person that I am, I just smiled at LH and told her I, too, was glad I put my RFD on hold for a while.
"I couldn't possibly stay for a week and eat only salad, when there's all this tasty Afghan food! Besides, I can always do my RFD some other time."
(at my house we rarely cook Afghan food, so coming to my dad's had always been a thing to look forward to, until I became aware of ed's.)

So there ya have it. For the past two days I've been a gluttonous pig.
While I'm furious that I allowed myself to give in, I will admit that LH's food is FUCKING FANTASTIC.
Yeah I will most likely be back in the 130's....but I've got the entire summer to change that (not that I shouldn't have changed myself months ago).

My cholesterol may be at 1,000 points when I leave my dad's house, but I will fix myself.

This is my absolute last week of over-indulgences and cuttin' myself slack. When I return from my summer job in August, I will be 100 pounds. I MUST BE. I can't go to uni looking like a hippopotamus. nononononononononono.

I don't know when I'll get on again. Just hang in there, my beloved blogger friends.


P.S.- Oh, and did I mention? My dad is 145 fucking pounds. 5' 8. ONE FORTY-FIVE! HIS BLOODY CALVES ARE THINNER THAN MINE. UNACCEPTABLE. I EAT MORE THAN HIM.

Monday, 8 June 2009

It's easier to starve myself at my dad's

Really.
I told them of my raw food diet, and they think it's a grand idea.

My dad and his wife aren't stupid people, but I'm finding it extremely easy to lie and tell them "Oh, I ate two pears and a banana a couple hours ago" and things like that.

Today I bought loads of fruit & veggies and I made some fantastic salads...unfortunately the fruit salad was so good I overate...
I can't allow myself to overeat! My mind thinks that since I'm only eating raw I can have larger portions. I need to convice myself otherwise.

I miss having an empty, growling stomach. I prefer it over a belly full of lettuce.

My dad doesn't own a scale. Which I think is preposterous; how can you not have a scale?!? So I've got to guess on my weight.......ehh.

I've become a bit lazy when it comes to blogger...that may be because I get on so late.
But I'll continue this post perhaps, and make sure that I finally answer the summer challenge questions...eheheh

Oh and thank you guys for the 'congrats! I feel so free after the end of school.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

I graduated from high school

at 129 pounds.
Still disgustingly fat but ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my God. I made it out of the 30's again at last :DDDD

And it's all thanks to my raw food diet! Except yesterday I decided to eat some graduation cake...not good. Almost two weeks of only raw food rendered my stomach unable to handle the processed crap, I suppose. Let's just say that I was anchored to the comode for an hour.

But I've graduated from high school, and I never need go back again! I loathed high school.


Shit, my mum's coming.
I'll finish this post later!

Saturday, 30 May 2009

slightly bored

There isn't much to talk about...especially regarding my raw food diet.

I'm not exactly tired of salad, I just don't want to fill my belly with lettuce anymore, lol.

The scale still reads 134...I can see my collarbones better, and my cheeks are getting a slight concave.

I actually don't really crave cooked/packaged food. Which is wonderful!


Ugh, once again I find myself falling asleep in front of the computer.

Friday, 29 May 2009

2nd raw day DONE!

Intake - 523 calories.
Weight - 134

What's funny about this entire raw diet is how involved mum and vegan uncle are in it! They're so concerned about me getting enough to eat; they constantly bombard me with questions like, "How about canned mushrooms? Are those raw? You could eat raw zucchini and honey (wtf?? raw zucchini dipped in honey...GAG) or something..." It's nice that they care, but it's a bit annoying, so I just told them not to worry; we had plenty of things for me to eat.

Actually, we didn't. I had eaten all the apples & oranges.
So mum did a lovely thing and went the grocery store for me. And bought me LOADS of raw things.

Broccoli, spinach, kiwi, mango, tomato, banana, asparagus, etc....

I love her :D
Now I have a large variety of raw foods with which I can create so many tasty things to eat.

I still ate three bananas (I need to keep my banana intake at that or lower...I've become a bit 'nana crazy and I wouldn't want to binge on them).
But look what I found HERE. It's all about bananas! Although, THIS DIET that is suggested is entirely too fattening...the calories are about 1200 per day! (Even though I am certain the diet is a healthy, lean one, it seems preposterous).

And considerably less food than yesterday.
I cannot describe how CLEAN I feel. I know I already talked about it yesterday...but I have so much energy!

Is it because I'm not taking in any unnecessary oils/fat/sodium/calories?

Whatever. As long as I'm feeling good and I've got enough energy to exercise, I'm satisfied.
I think what's really helping me not lose control and binge is that I'm eating small amounts throughout the day, instead of depriving myself. That way, I feel full/content all day long.

I hope my chipper attitude rubs off on any of you guys who aren't feeling so great :D

<3>
RRR

Thursday, 28 May 2009

O.o

705 calories.

Of only RAW fruits and vegetables.

I told my mum that I would challenge myself to a week-long raw only thing.
Today was the first day -


3 bananas (those made up the bulk of my calories...should I reduced it to two?)
7 baby carrots
7 grape tomatoes
2 small gala apples
1 avocado

I'm hungry, but I'm not starved and I have absolutely no desire to binge.
It is difficult to eat only raw (and I've only just completed the first day!), but since I made my challenge known to everyone, I don't want to seem weak and so I can stick to my goal.


I feel clean. No processed, pre-packaged food to add fat and cholesterol and sodium to my body.

I found some great workout videos on thedailyplate.com as well. (Burned only 100 calories, but it's a start)

I'll try to reply to you guys ASAP, but my mum is sharing my bedroom with me (vegan uncle is back for an extended visit), and I must be EXTREMELY cautious when getting on here.

Love you guys <3


RRR


"I feel good. dun na na na na na na. I knew that I would dun na na na na na na....." :D


Monday, 25 May 2009

feeling a bit better...

Thank you guys; I'm feeling better today.
I weighed myself - 135.

So I haven't gained from the 55 grams of fat I had yesterday...yet.

Today I'm going out for breakfast with a neighbor...but I'm not feeling well (most likely from yesterday) so I'll get the smallest entree possible and eat a quarter of it. Or less.

Then maybe I'll eat some fruit.
My vegan uncle is coming back to visit, so I'm making aush, which is a (vegetarian) Afghan soup. (PrettyWreck - it involves tomatoes but they aren't required!).

Later I'll post up the recipe, after I've actually cooked it.
It shouldn't have too many calories - potatoes, carrots, onions, pasta..............well, okay.
Maybe it will. And loads of sodium and carbs.
>:[

I just want to sleep.

Okay, remember my friend T? His sister was who's birthday party I went to yesterday. Anyway - ever since he "supported" me while I was religiously fasting, he hasn't been eating much.

I've noticed that at work, he's replaced his usual heaping plate of food with two little boxes of cheerios and milk instead.
And at Cici's, he ate ONE slice of pizza and a little salad. (Which I am furious at myself for, because I ate FIVE TIMES as much as him.)

Later while I was at his house his mum and I were talking, and she told me that he told her he had lost ten pounds. From eating only cheerios and some fruit each day. I told her that I thought he did look as though he was losing weight.

WHAT THE HELL. I should be the one losing ten pounds, NOT him! Well, he should as well, because he's so large. But still. How can someone who has been overweight his entire life, obviously loves the disgusting desserts his mum makes...how can HE have more control than I do???

Am I being selfish? Envious?

I don't know.
But I've got a renewed sense of competition. Yes, competition! I am beginning a new silent competition against T. He WILL NOT surpass me in weight loss or control. no no no.

If that fat boy can control his eating to some cereal and fruit, then I can do BETTER.

I feel cruel calling my friend fat. But I dislike large people...the way they look at least. Hypocrite!

But I will control myself. T will not win.

p.s. Oh and Farah from thinspiration-pictures - your comment box is not working!

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At the restaurant I had some grilled potatoes with cheddar cheese. The original plate included bacon, and I asked for NO bacon...but they put it on there anyway. I'm not the kind of person who if one little thing is wrong with their food demands a refund, so I just picked off the bacon and ate the rest.

30 minutes later, at home, I was stuck in the bathroom, my intestines twisting and spewing (pardon the disgusting info) liquid. Damn potatoes. I guess my fasting/restricting has now taken over my digestive system, and anything cooked is now too much for my poor organs..

And that is why, after I cooked my Afghan soup and had half a cup of it, and some avocado/tomato/onion/carrot salad, I purged it all. Because my stomach was DYING. The purge relieved the pain a bit, but they always leave me dehydrated and dizzy.

Ugh, I can't wait for tomorrow. Bananas, applesauce, and water. I can't believe I ever enjoyed cooked/prepackaged food. RAW, RAW, RAW!

I'm feeling kooky and extremely sleepy.
Goodnight ladies <3

kill me now

Oh God Oh God Oh God.

My breakfast plan was moved to tomorrow.

Unfortunately I went to a birthday party....which involved going to eat at Cici's pizza.

I destroyed my hard work.

5 slices of pizza. 3 cinnamon rolls. 2 brownies.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

My stomach is twisting and cramping.

I WANT TO DIE.


This is what I shall become.

Saturday, 23 May 2009

I just want to sleeeeeeeeeeep

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a few days - my life is quite hectic at the moment! I've been trying to sort out uni stuff, prepare everything for high school graduation, confirm my summer job, blah blah blah.

I'm at 134!!! It's only about a little lost, but I believe I'm back in the game.

I will admit that I'm becoming bored with the whole waking-up-at-4:45 a.m.-breakfast routine. It's not the food I'm becoming bored with, it's just waking up that early I suppose. I have been finding myself unable to even finish the 1/2 cup of cereal...It's like I don't even want to swallow.
So I alternate the cereal between honey nut cheerios and honey bunches of oats (tasty honey!) and each day I change my fruit from oranges to bananas to apples to strawberries.


Then I go throughout the day water/food-less until about 8:30 p.m., then I have 1 cup of applesauce and sometimes I'll eat another banana.

Then right before bed (around 11:30 p.m.) I exercise until midnight.

Let me tell you, I can hardly lift my head - I'm so exhausted, sleepy, and lethargic! My head pounds, my hands shake, and of course every second of every day I dream of food...
But I'm losing weight. I'm content.


And it's quite nice being at home alone! I've written ana quotes on paper (such as "eat to live. don't live to eat" and "FAT") and taped them on the fridge and pantry. I also placed the scale in front of them (fridge and pantry are right next to each other). And it's actually working :D
Although, since I like to keep my fruit chilled, I've put everything I'm allowed to eat (fruit, applesauce, and nothing else) at an eye-level shelf in the fridge. That way when I open the door the first thing I see will be the foods I'm allowed and I can concentrate on them.

I also put thinspo on my mobile phone.

And actually, I'm thinking about not fasting the Muslim way. Mostly because I don't like losing sleep just for eating...
So instead -
I'll wake up, eat one fruit, go to school (and SIP water during school; I don't like feeling dehydrated) get home.
On days that I have to work, I'll just eat salad at work (which for me usually consists of one baby carrot, two slices of cucumber/tomato, two pieces of the crunchy lettuce, a tablespoon of black olives, and if I'm being bad I'll put croutons or a cut up breaded chicken strip).

Then on days when I don't have to work, I'll just eat some fruit or veggies.

I may even start taking baby carrots for lunch at school. Maybe that will keep me from bingeing the minute I get home.

I'll reply to your comments (I feel a bit rude for putting my blogging duties off!) soon; right now Yanni is on the telly and I HAVE to watch! (Not sure if I've told you guys about my obsession with Yanni, but I will if I haven't). Anyway, I'm going to a Yanni concert next month, and I get to meet him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be THIN when I meet him.

Tomorrow my neighbor wants to take me out for breakfast. I dread this, but I accepted, just to be polite. I don't want to dwell on what will happen regarding food at the restaurant...so I'll give details tomorrow.



Alright, goodnight ladies!

RRR