Thursday, 8 October 2009

I can't take it anymore

I've been a coward - that's why I haven't posted in almost a month.

I didn't want to get on here because I was afraid of failing, and then you guys knowing about it when I recounted my day....
The thing is, I do worse when I don't blog. Without the unwavering support I receive from you, I am not able to restrict, resist, or control myself at all.

I realise I NEED you.

I was so stupid to think that not blogging would help me sort out my shit.
You guys are what fuels me, what gives me the motivation to control myself and lose weight! I can't do this without you, what the hell was I thinking??

When I don't blog, I don't have anyone but myself to tell me when to stop bingeing or when to resist. Right now I'm not strong enough to fend for myself. I need all the support you're willing to give me.

And when I don't blog, my goals aren't met. I was supposed to be at least 127 lbs. by yesterday, for the White Lies & Kings of Leon concert. Was I?
Hell no. I was 140 AGAIN.

You know how the weight that people always seem to end up as? How it's supposed to be their "happy weight"?

I always end up at 140. And I can tell you it is not my fucking happy weight.
It's my unhappy weight. I know what my almost-happy weight is, and it is most definitely NOT 140.

My dad just came back from Afghanistan (he's not in the army, he owns a company there). He weighs THREE pounds LESS than me.
What the fuck? What the FUCK??

I know my dad is small and to a normal person's perspective I'm a "normal" weight, but when your dad is THREE bloody pounds LIGHTER than you, you know there's something terribly wrong.

A daughter should NOT outweigh her father. That is unacceptable. That revelation was like my non-verbalised ultimatum.
I know I always say "this is the last time I ever do this..." or "I will never eat chocolate again" but I fucking SWEAR that this is the absolute final straw.

I would rather die than weigh more than my own father.

Oh, and since I outweigh him, I am now official the LARGEST PERSON IN MY FAMILY.
And I'm only 18 fucking years old.

I want you all to give me a reasonable (with an ana's perspective, meaning "ED reasonable", not "normal person reasonble", ya dig?) weight to lose by the end of this month. Pretty please.

I love you all so much. I want to lose this weight to please you, first and foremost.

p.s. - I met White Lies. omfgggg :O
DELETED
(I'm the un-blurred one)

8 comments:

Cille A. Pederson said...

Hey! Omg. I know what you are going trough. I weigh more than my mom, and I can't stand it!! But okay: how to loose weight the

absolute FASTES! Don't eat and run 16 miles a day, heh.

How to loose weight fast and not die: Eat under 500/700cals a day, divided it into 6 small meals to keep you'r metabolism going all day long. Work out intensively every second day and have a 30min. work out routine EVERY morning! Avoid sugar! Avoid unhealthy fat! Drink water! DON'T drink you'r calories! Eat only green fruit and veggies (they contain a lot more vitamins)! Avoid white bread/pasta and rice! Avoid beef and pork. Write down everything you put in your mouth and try to burn more calories than you eat. And this last one... Smoke... I know its horrible, but it helps me.

That’s some of the vital tips, but if you feel more comfortable with a strict diet try the lemonade diet, ABC, the raw diet or cabbage soup diet? Do not go on the Atkins diet! You only loose water weight and it’s highly unhealthy for your lever!

Incase you don’t know:
*Lemonade diet is a diet only consisting of homemade lemonade (google the recipe). It’s a cleansing diet so don’t do it more than four days tops!

*ABC/ana’s bootcamp is a schedule of how many calories you can eat every day for a month (its extremely hard!)

*Raw diet is a diet were you can only eat foods that hasn’t been cooked over 42 degrees. So mostly just raw veggies and nuts.

*cabbage soup diet is a dies consisting of only cabbage soup! The soup recipe is on the internet and you are only allowed tree bowls of soup a day. Btw, works only if your single –you tend to get a bit gassy! Heh.

So, hope this could help and I

wish you the best of luck!
Take care
XOXO Cille<3

G. Samsa said...

Oh, Skinny..

I totally sympathize with this post. I too am embarrassed by my own backsliding and failures, and find that blogging provides some measure of ... accountability? ... that I don't otherwise get, in addition to the honest and sincere support for my goals and my lifestyle that this community provides. BUT... don't lose weight to please this community, lose it to please yourself. We're here to support you in what YOU want to do, whether it's lose, gain, work out more, eat more healthily, or just generally become more fabulous.

Of course, now I'm afraid to suggest a goal for you, because I don't want you to feel bad for failing to live up to the baseless suggestions of some chick you've never met. A "reasonable" weight loss goal is pretty hard to come up with without knowing all kinds of details about you, such as how much exercise you can realistically expect to get in and what your parents will insist that you eat. I guess that's my suggestion, actually -- figure out your BMR, add in your average daily calorie burn, subtract out how much you want/need to eat, and what's left will be how many calories you could burn if you were perfect. Then cut that goal in half, because you won't be perfect. (I know! But life DOES get in the way!) And if you DO end up being perfect, you'll have exceeded your goal, which will make you feel really good.

XO

-Brune said...

I'm so glad to hear from you again. Don't worry you'll lose the extra weight soon!

My advice is to never ever ever eat after 3pm. NEVER. If you are going to binge, try to at least do it during mornings. Skipping dinner is the best way to lose weight. Believe me. I have lost 10 pounds doing it.

However, if you're going to try it, you'll probably have to eat more in the mornings. You know, in order to have energy and etc.

Take care!

-Brune said...

I'm so glad to hear from you again. Don't worry you'll lose the extra weight soon!

I have no idea what would be a reasonable weight to lose by the end of the month, but if i can give you a piece of advice: never ever ever eat after 3pm. NEVER. If you are going to binge, try to at least do it during mornings. Skipping dinner is the best way to lose weight. Believe me. I have lost 10 pounds doing it.

However, if you're going to try it, you'll probably have to eat more in the mornings. You know, in order to have energy and etc.

Good luck and take care amiga!

absurdNes said...

"), I just recently started following your blog and I was upset to realize when I started following you stopped blogging. I'm glad you're blogging again and it's nice that you want to keep up.

As for a quick way to loose 10 lbs - The Birmingham diet fersure. It's a 3 day diet they give to the morbidly obese before gastric bypass (or so my Marine recruiter told me) I did it last year when I was trying out for the marines and I lost 11 lbs I've been able to keep most of it off because of exercise but of course the day you stop jogging it creeps up so keep up the workout and you'll be fine!

Anyway, good luck! <3

Ophelia said...

I think we've all tried to leave blogging behind for a while... but it's such a comfort - where else in the world can you find understanding like this?
You have to put the figures behind you now (with regards to your Dad's weight) or else it will just set your emotions off. Just focus on getting thin, reaching your goal weight, focus on yourself, no one else. Love yourself so much that only thin is good enough for your body. Keep a strong and determined focus and you'll be there - it takes time and self-belief - and I know you can do it

Ophelia x x x

(= said...

While I agree with everyone here, I would still like to post how i lose weight. Its hard to stay on track & the high calorie days make you feel like a cow, but it helped me get from 117 to 92 so idk
Dont Forget To Excersise
Day 1: 300 cals
Day 2: 800 cals
Day 3: 150 cals
Day 4: 100 cals
Day 5: 700 cals
Day 6: FAST
Day 7: 300 cals
Day 8: 300 cals
Day 9: 100 cals
Day 10: 800 cals
Day 11: 250 cals
then just eat between 500-800 cals a day & u should be fine.

skinny love said...

This is to absurdNes - Hey, don't worry I usually come back lol.

Thank you loads for the diet tips :D
I've never heard of the Birmingham diet but it sounds intriguing.

I think exercise is what I really need lol.

The food you had today (cereal, bread) sounds like what I've been eating and craving lately - carbs and crunchy dry foods lol

Stay in touch!
p.s. your comment box won't allow me to scroll down and type in the captcha thing...and as a result I can't post a comment on your posts :/