Thursday, 30 April 2009

gargantuan buffoon

Began my day fantastically.
I had half a banana for breakfast, and then water throughout the school day.

After school at around 4:30 I went to the chinese buffet with my family. I almost cried when I got there and saw all the food just sitting there, awaiting consumption.
So I hesitantly made my way to the buffet, and got only steamed rice and these garlic green beans. But it was enough to fill the entire plate. And I ate it all, and drank two glasses of water.
My stomach hurt like a bitch, and I realised that (even with chopsticks) I had finished before everyone else. So I sat there looking mournfully at my now empty plate. My mum asked me why I didn't get more, but I just shook my head.

After we were done, I raced home, and purged. I think my nails were too long and I must have scratched my throat so now it hurts. My back hurts as well; I think it's from all the heaving.

I feel better and worse. Now I'm thirsty, but I'm afraid to go to the kitchen for fear that I may binge again. I think I may just get some water from the bathroom.

I'm sure you're thinking "why didn't you just not eat, pretend to be sick or something?". Exactly my question to myself. But I'm a coward, I posess no willpower, and I JUST LOVE FOOD SO FUCKING MUCH. No matter how much I cry and beat my fat.

Whatever. I don't know what's goin' down tomorrow.
And on Saturday I have work. I don't know what's going to happen then either. I always begin my day at work looking at the food saying to myself "you can do it! you don't need all that fatty shit"...and then I end up eating a biscuit, bagel, donut, cream of wheat, yogurt, and hashbrowns.

Oh, so after I donated blood I went to the website to check my cholesterol. It's at 220. fuck. The recommended/normal level is 200, and 240 is the you-need-to-see-a-doctor-ASAP level. I'm right in the middle. fuck fuck fuck. I can't believe that my fucking cholesterol is so high! It's all from the chocolate, butter, and red meat that I consume.
Coronary Artery disease, here I come.

love you guys.

p.s. - Welcome new followers! I'm so happy to see new people everyday, and I'm glad that my blog is at least a little interesting enough for people to want to follow me. However, I have a request. If you do choose to follow my blog, could you please leave me a comment? I sometimes forget to check for new followers everyday, and if you send me a "howdy" then you won't be forgotten.

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Fasting FAIL

You guys pretty much guessed correctly on the meaning of my blog title!
I was worried it wouldn't make any sense lol.

I really actually wanted people to know that my blog was about all eating disorders, including ones "not otherwise specified".
Because I've "dabbled" in bulimia (which is what I lean toward, much to my dislike), anorexia, compulsive over-eating, and binge-eating. All melded together.
And I didn't want to just write "ednos"...too plain. So I came up with the current title. Because maybe Ed knows my secrets?

So the first day (Tuesday) of Savory Sweet's water fast was awesome. I did it. Yeah, my brain was pounding the shit out of my head, but I felt great. Today my head didn't hurt as much, but it still throbbed. All I had during the day was water and a peppermint (are those allowed? eheh).

When I got home...I binged on baby carrots and chocolate cake. DAMNIT! damn. it.
After the almost two days of only water I felt very ill, so I rushed to the bathroom and purged three times. Which was quite a feat because purging has always been a difficult thing to master. But today I stuck my fingers down my throat farther down than I normally do. And it worked.

I feel disgusting, my heart is beating quickly, I'm thirsty, even after brushing my teeth four times my breath still reeks of vomit, and, the most hated side effect - swollen cheeks and jowls.

I really don't know why I've just completely spiralled out of control these past three weeks. It seems that after my Paris & London trip I've become a true gluttonous junk-food loving American. Sometimes I fucking hate this country. Or at least, some of things it's known for (obesity).

Tomorrow my family has made plans to go to a chinese buffet for dinner. I told my mum I didn't want to go, she said "you need to go so we can have a nice family night out." FUCK. THAT. So I told her I didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to eat alot, therefore she would be wasting her money on me. She said that just because it was a buffet I didn't necessarily have to eat massive amounts of food to get my money's worth. THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING TO A BUFFET?!? I told her once again I didn't want to go, this time with tears in my eyes and my voice wavering (I was in upstairs, and she was talking to me from the bottom of the stairs so she couldn't see me). And she got angry so I said "fine, I'll go" and then she walked away.

I'm fucking screwed. I know I'll binge. I always do. And this is a chinese buffet. 100 times worse than bingeing at home...I won't eat any meat (it's nasty anyway), fried/breaded food, or dessert. I'll have fruit, veggies, and steamed rice. And THAT'S IT.

I wish I could have been able to continue the water fast.

So every night I listen to my "perfection" playlist. It's got the standard ana songs (by superchick, silverchair, sia, etc.). Sometimes I whisper the lyrics while I lie in bed. My favorite song is "Beauty From Pain" by Superchick. It's so beautiful...I'm not sure why, but it is. Here's the list as of now:

  • Skinny Love - Bon Iver (one of my favorite musicians and my username)
  • Little Thing - Dave Matthews Band (not about ed's but it's mostly for the title)
  • Hello - Evanescence (such a morose song)
  • Bleed Like Me - Garbage (dude, the first stanza is about ana)
  • This Will Make You Love Again - IAMX (lyricsss)
  • Everything's Just Wonderful - Lily Allen ("if I buy those drinks, I can look like Kate Moss")
  • Stop/Start - The Pale Pacific ("I'm still sad everyday")
  • Creep - Radiohead (classic ana song, yeah?)
  • Creep (acoustic version) - because I like acoustic versions!
  • Breathe Me - Sia (I love her husky, broken voice)
  • Ana's Song (Open Fire) - Silverchair (I like everything but the chorus)
  • Broken - Sincerely August (this is a beautiful song by an obscure singer who doesn't seem to have a myspace even. I'll post the song up maybe one day for download)
  • Beauty From Pain - Superchick (sooooo beautiful!)
  • Courage - Superchick (I thought the singing was cheesy at first but it's a good song)

I love you guys. Truly, I do.

Monday, 27 April 2009

this week

I am going to attempt the water fast that will lead to "Famished Fridays" with Savoury Sweet.

I'm gnawing my nails in anticipation. Not anxiety!

I made myself a little ana bracelet. It's got red, purple, and white string. I tied it tight on my left wrist...hopefully soon it won't be tight anymore.

It's only 11 p.m. but I need sleep.

p.s. - Does everyone understand what my blog title (ED KNOWS) means? I thought it was good when I first created my blog, but what does everyone else think?

Sunday, 26 April 2009

over-fed Afghan

Just returned from my dad's house...which means I had a weekend full of scrumptious food and overstuffed goodness! (sarcasm)
I ate so much that I gave in and purged. I hate purging so much; it causes my lower lip to swell, as though I'm pouting, and it gives me the most awful jowls. Not that it really matters; I've already got a double chin...what difference are jowls going to make?

Tomorrow is the beginning of my new life with ana. We have made a deal that if I don't clean up my act and restrict, she will leave me and never return. So tomorrow is my big chance.
This weekend was an exception, because I rarely see my dad, and come on, it's Afghan food. My half-afghan body craves its ethnic food sometimes.

I think I have gained almost 15 pounds since 125 lbs. in February. I gained it so quickly and there is so much fat that it's uncomfortable to bend over, sit in various positions (especially sitting on my shins), and just....existing in general. I'm so disgusted. So absolutely disgusted. I can't believe I occupy this revolting piece of fat body.

blahblahblah I don't know what else to say.

I wish everyone luck, love you guys - seriously - and welcome new followers!

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Reverse Thinspo

I love and appreciate the thinspo that you girls post. Unfortunately, I become envious of the beatiful bodies, nothing more. I feel no motivation to restrict when I see their waifish figures. It's the reverse thinspo that gets me. That repulsing shit is what makes me not eat. So I may begin occasionally posting some reverse thinspo.

No offense to any overweight/obese people, but I loathe you (this includes myself!). Not so much you as a person, but your bodies. I cannot bear to look at you, but I force myself to because that is what makes me question my food intake. It makes me question you.

Why the fuck would you ever allow yourself to become so monstrous? Does it not bother you that your weight equals that of two, three, four people? And how can you live with yourself, after seeing the disgusting photos you take in your bazillion-times too small lingerie, gobbling down chocolate cake? How can you call yourselves beautiful, and gloat that "real women have curves?" Yeah, maybe you do have curves, but they're hidden by mounds of raw ground beef.

Do you enjoy the fact that in a few years you're going to be bedridden, your body so large and immobile and consisting of nothing but fat that it secretes liquid onto your too-small bedsheets?

How can you degrade yourself like that? Teach yourself some lessons and feed those 10 cheeseburgers to a starving, malnourished child.
Once again, I meant no offense...even though my words are offensive.

Refuse, Resist & Restrict!

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

off my trolley.

I think I'm mentally unstable. Well, I know I am. But I think I'm going crazy. barmy. kookoo nuts.

Earlier today, after I took a shower, I found myself standing in front of the fogged-up mirror, which was full of drawn-on stick figures. It took me a moment to realise that I had drawn them, and that I was muttering/giggling(what the hell?) to Ana to eat my fat.

I think it's a combination of stress, sleep-deprivation which leads to hallucinations, weight gain, inconsistent eating patterns, and just my entire fucked-up life.

So, since yesterday I most likely ate enough to gain a pound (3500 cals), literally. I'm going to begin the 2468 deal. Except I will reverse it, to ease myself into it after yesterday's monstrous intake. So instead of beginning with 200 cals, I will start with 800, Tuesday it will be 600, and so on. Then after the 200 (Thursday), I will continue the cycle, with Friday being 800, Saturday (I'm not sure; I'm going to my dad's so I may fake ill and pretend that my stomach hurts).
I may even throw in a couple liquid-fast days as well...V8 sounds appetising at the moment!
And so I will follow this plan while trying to run/jog every other day, and doing various other exercises as well.
Hopefully by the end of the week, 135 will be gone forever...

Since I'm donating blood tomorrow, I've got to eat a decent breakfast (bleh). I need to be certain that I consume enough iron, so I think I will eat some raisins, honey nut cheerios WITHOUT milk (I refuse to drink it, although I need the calcium), and half a banana. That should be around 200-215 calories (I'm not sure how many calories raisins have).

I'm donating at 10 a.m. I really don't want to eat anything after, even though I'm supposed to. I may just drink some apple juice (if it isn't 100% juice, or if it has high fructose corn syrup, I'll just drink water) and if I absolutely MUST eat something, I'll pick one of the provided snacks with the least calories/fat/sugar.
I've donated twice before, and I've never felt faint or ill afterwards. So for dinner I may just make fruit salad (orange, apple, banana). Maybe. I'm not sure if that will be safe, to restrict after donating a pint of blood...what do you think?

Also, since the realisation that I'm mentally unstable, I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a little chat with myself. A serious, you-better-fucking-change-your-life chat. I told myself how disgusting I was, and how disgusted I was with myself. I berated myself for my horrendous 10-pound weight gain over a mere two months. I told myself how repulsive it was that I ate nearly FOUR packages of pb crackers EVERYDAY, chocolate, meat, cheese, and sugar-loaded shit, while starving children everywhere were dying. I told myself that I was a hypocritical, selfish hog, eating mounds of food while other people died.
Ana told me she would never help me if I did not stop eating by tomorrow. She vowed never to return if I continued this. "It must stop tonight."

I am nearing 140 pounds. The funny thing is, this morning my mum made a toaster strudel and asked me if I wanted it. I said no, I wanted an orange. She asked, no, sneered at me "why, because the strudel has too many calories?" And I said no, I just don't want the strudel, I want an orange (but what she said was the truth). And then she looked at me and said, "You know, you look as though you've lost weight."
I looked her straight in the eyes and said "I have not lost a single pound. I'm still 138 (135, actually, but the last time she saw my weight I was 140). What makes you think I have? Because I chose the orange over the strudel?"
She didn't say anything.
And I think she just said that because I hardly eat dinner with the family anymore. In fact, the only thing my family ever sees me eat is chocolate and pb crackers.
And yet, she completely missed the fact that my jawline is almost invisible, my face is rounder, and my stomach is visibly larger. She thinks her daughter is starving herself, when in fact I'm "fulling" myself.

For the past two days I've also been getting pounding headaches. Which is strange, because I usually only get them if I restrict for two days. Lately they've been coming after I eat. Is it a sugar overload? I told my mum about it(which was a bit stupid), and she asked me what I've been eating (since she thinks I'm starving myself). I told her school lunch (which is the truth), and I told her that I get them after everytime I eat. She didn't buy it. But I swear it's true, and I don't know what's happening to my poor brain.

After I donate blood, I need CONTROL. I don't want Ana to leave me forever.

Monday, 20 April 2009


Day one of the reverse 2468.
Only today, I binged a bit at dinner. So I changed it to 2468-10. 10 for 1,000.

But it won't become a regular thing.
Marguerite, thank you for the advice! I think it is much more sensible to "gradually wean" myself off food by knocking off about 500-300 calories each day. And hopefully that will slowly shrink my stomach so that I'm not starving/bingeing after having switched from 2000 to 200 calories .
For some reason I had pounding headaches throughout the day. Why? I haven't restricted for a long time in a while...perhaps it's my body telling me that I've been consuming entirely too much sodium, sugars, fat, and above all, CALORIES? I dunno.

It's so strange to be eating breakfast again. I was actually enjoyed skipping it, regardless of the fact that it led to terrible binges (I hate that fucking word.'s disgusting). I'm not eating anything big, only a small apple. I don't plan on increasing the amount/variety of food for breakfast anytime soon.

My lame jogging sesh yesterday actually did something. My legs and abdomen are very sore. It's great to know that I worked out some of my problem areas, but it's also shitty to know that a trivial amount of exercise rendered me almost too sore to walk...

I don't have to work this week, so I pray that I will be able to exhibit some, if any, self-control. I fucking hate my job...but only because of the food. I vow that after I quit working there (I've been there for two years, it's high time to move on!) I will choose an occupation that doesn't involve food. I know my life will become heaps more manageable.

Once I move out, away from family, I will begin to construct a new life. A life free of food and weight gain. I'll only buy a small fridge, and stock it with raw fruits/vegetables, and water. And I'll get myself a gym membership, maybe even a trainer....or I'll take dance classes. I don't know. But this will be happening during university. And if I'm to succeed in uni, I need to dedicate time for studying. Not food.

Sunday, 19 April 2009

failure, loser, worthless?

Forced myself to eat an orange for breakfast. I'm so used to not eating breakfast, but I need to fix my dilemma.

Once I got to work....I gave in. I fucking gave in.

A biscuit with margarine.
A quarter of a blueberry bagel with cream cheese and honey.
A donut.
1 cup of cream of wheat with brown sugar.
Maybe it doesn't seem like a massive amount, but notice how it all consists of CARBS.

At home I had two packages of the beloved/despised pb crackers, a small gala apple, TWO toaster strudels, garlic squash and green beans(the only "real" un-processed meal today), cheez-its, a croissant, and chocolate (am I addicted to carbs or something??). All during the course of one hour, so it wasn't exactly a frenzied binge, just a continuous food-gobbling session. And it all added up to almost 2000 calories. Fucking marvelous, yeah?

I also had a fight with my mum. Dealing with my food/weight issues, coupled with MAJOR stress from school, has created a perpetually pissed off bitch out of me. I'm usually a very quiet, jovial(on the outside, HAH) person, and my mum noticed the change. And that is mostly what the fight was about.
It ended in her leaving the house to go visit a friend, and me checking the scale (135, mostly food/water weight) and then standing in front of the mirror for an hour squeezing my fat and weeping. I'm a fucking COWARD. A WEAK, WORTHLESS COWARD.

I found some photos of me from 2005-2006, when I was the fittest I'd ever been (as a result of a year of a vigourous dance class). I had a defined jawline, slim arms, and a flat belly/abdomen. I'll un-conceitedly admit, I was beautiful. I've no idea how much I weighed; it was most likely around 118-123. Almost 20 pounds' difference from now.
Just a couple months ago, in February, I was 125. SO fucking close to 123. And now where am I? FIFTEEN POUNDS heavier, in April. I'VE GAINED FIFTEEN BLOODY POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS.

I am seething. And it is entirely by my own doing that I am like this.
To help myself lose weight, I've put a picture of a thin model next to a revolting woman whose legs resemble...scramble eggs(and they are each most likely WIDER than the model) on my mobile phone. Anyway, the idea is that everytime I feel like eating, I will whip out my phone and take a long gander at the picture. I hope it works.

I also went running/jogging outside for the first time in almost five months. I usually just jog in place in my bedroom, but I only ended up losing about 30 calories. Actually, I only lost 30 calories today as well. I picked a terrible day to run. The wind speed was 40 mph and it was chilly.

Also, while I was jogging around my neighborhood, a freaking ST. BERNARD rushed towards me, barking and growling, and nearly attacked me. (I'm a bit afraid of large dogs) I stopped and waited for him (he is aptly named "Bear") to finish growling and leave me alone...but he continued to run around me, so I turned back the direction I had come...and he followed me. By this point I was on the verge of crying, I was so scared. Everytime he ran towards me he got about five inches away from me, and I thought at any moment he would bite. (I am fairly certain that he was NOT being playful!) So I continued to walk as swiftly as possible while not looking at him. He finally gave up his terrorising and I was able to run back home. Fucking dog.
Now I'm afraid to leave my house, because his owner allows him to run around the neighborhood. So I may have to find another location to run...

Anyway, I'm donating blood on Wednesday, so I'm not sure what my food plans are for this week. I just need to make sure I get enough iron and a right below normal amount of sugar I suppose. And after I donate my blood I am CHANGING MY LIFESTYLE.

I will encumber myself no longer.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

putrid pork

Had a granny smith apple for breakfast - in the hopes of kicking up my metabolism (by skipping breakfast and lunch, and then eating at dinner, I think it was slowing my metabolism down?)

The only problem with beginning my day with eating leads to more....eating. If I skip breakfast, I am also able to skip lunch. However, it seems that if I begin my day by eating something, I cannot control myself and continuously eat throughout the day.

And that is what happened today. At lunch I had a salad (lettuce and two tomato slices), baked beans (ugh) and one of those ice cream things with a nutty chocolatey shell covering the ice cream part. Inevitable feelings of disgust and uncomfortable fullness ensued.

My friend "T" then invited me for dinner. I was VERY unenthusiastic about this. T, and the rest of his family are all overweight...possibly even obese. Whenever I am around them, they are constantly snacking on oatmeal creme pies (I gag at the thought of those), cookies, and various other fattening processed foods.
Anyway, for dinner they had meatball subs. T assured me they were turkey; however, the first bite I took told me otherwise. They tasted like PORK SAUSAGE! BLEHBLEHBLEH. They were most likely turkey AND pork.
I immediately regretted going, but to be polite I forced myself to eat the rest of the sub (thankfully it was cut in half, so I didn't eat the entire thing), although the taste of sausage was making me ill. And I cheated; each half of the sub had two large meatballs. I very discreetly allowed one of them to fall out of the sandwich, so I only had to eat one.

When I returned home, I ate two packages of pb crackers, Hershey's Bliss chocolate eggs, a croissant with margarine, a toaster strudel, and a gargantuan banana nut muffin. Carbs, sugar, fat, carbs, and did I mention carbs? This binge was brought on because I wanted to rid my mind of the meatballs.
And of course, I didn't purge any of it - because of laziness. I wasn't too lazy to shove food in my mouth, and yet I was much too lazy to rid my body of all that filth.
As a result of all that sugar my heart is beating very fast, my head hurts, and my stomach is cramping.

Tomorrow I work all day. I will eat either some broccoli or carrots for breakfast. Then I will try so terribly hard to not ANYTHING else. No matter how exhausted I become from being on my feet and moving at work.

I now officially have a double chin, and it is just barely visible when looking at my face from the front. I look like an iguana from the side. At this rate of no exercise, binging, and not purging, I am slowly returning to the dreaded 140.

I've begun to punish myself for eating. Self-mutilation and self-deprecation, in its mildest form. I call myself whore, fat hog, bitch. I slap my arms and stomach, hard. I leave my nails long and sharp, and I pinch/squeeze the fat on my abdomen and upper arms. I also have begun to sleep on my floor, because I don't deserve comfort when I cannot control my self.
It's somewhat juvenile, the "punishments" I inflict upon myself, but I will NEVER cut. Ever. Pinching until I break my skin and it bleeds is as close as I will get.

My friend "JE" is 85 lbs. 5'3". She is 47 lbs. lighter than I am. I envy her SO MUCH. And the thing is, she isn't anorexic. She's just anemic and has some sort of illness. But discussing her weight makes her uncomfortable. So instead, I call her the "anorexic dream", because her minuscule body is so beautiful. If I weighed 85 lbs., I'd be flauntin' that shit for all the world to see. sigh.
One day...
Just wait and see.


Thursday, 16 April 2009

a "healthy" binge

My 100-calories-a-day thing has gone well, although it only lasted for about three days.

However yesterday, I broke my "I will be chocolate-free" oath and ate one of those small Hershey's "Bliss Chocolate Eggs"...and my heart sped up quite fast...could it be that after three days of a minute sugar intake the trivial amount of sugar in ONE measly chocolate egg was enough to raise my heartbeat?
I'm not sure, but it felt strange. I didn't like it.

And today, I binged on steamed broccoli and steamed corn kernels. They both had salt and nothing less, and I've no idea how many calories it was...but I assure you it was well past the 100-calorie range!
But I don't feel too guilty, as corn lacks pretty much any nutritional value, and broccoli has loads of essential vitamins. I will admit, however, that I ate so much my stomach is bulging...ugh.

The reason I even ate that was because a friend ("MN") of my mother's came over and made lasagne for dinner. I had been at work (while the family ate), and when I came home MN offered me some. I politely refused, he insisted, so I was about to take a bite when I suddenly asked him what the ingredients were. Mushrooms, onions, various typical lasagne ingredients...and italian sausage. I told him it was kind of him to make the food, but I unfortunately could not taste his cooking because it contained pork.

You see, I'm Muslim (or I used to be; it's been years since I actually practiced Islam, and yet I still consider myself a Muslim). And Muslims are forbidden to eat pork. I won't go into details as to why...maybe another time. Anyway, so I was raised to not eat pork, and we never cooked or ate it at home.
And that is what I told MN when I explained why I couldn't eat his lasagne. And that is why I binged on vegetables.

And I think my weight (131) has reached a plateau....perhaps because I don't eat breakfast and lunch anymore...and my metabolism has weakened?

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

I had a dream

that I woke up in the middle of the night and ate the entire contents of my pantry. I stuffed crackers, cookies, canned vegetables, and even raw grains of rice in my mouth.
It was a true, awful nightmare.

Today my mom brought out a chocolate easter bunny that she'd been hiding from me. I took it upstairs, and seriously contemplated eating the whole thing. Until I calculated all the nutritional facts.
I would have consumed 1050 calories, 55 grams of fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 24 g of carbs, and 20 grams of sugar.
It was ludicrous. I couldn't allow myself to eat it. I felt as though I had eaten the bunny, and I just couldn't bear it. So I threw it on the floor and began crying. That was at 10 p.m.

At 11 I got in bed and cried, no, wept, until 1 a.m.
I begged Ana to save me, to take me under her wing and shelter me from food and fat and obesity. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be thin. I asked her this over and over again. She finally entered my thoughts.
You fucking fat obese hog, you don't deserve to be beautiful. You're a disgusting pig who shoves chocolate and peanut butter crackers down your throat everyday. But I will help you. You have ONE chance to achieve thinness and beauty...

I'm still at 131...I expected a lower number but it's most likely from the massive amounts of water I drink.


Since starting this blog, I've often wondered what it would be like if all of us (blogger girls) got together.
Like, if all of us met each other for the first time, in person.
To meet someone who suffers just as much as you do, even perhaps a bit less or a little more. To see the face of an anonymous ana girl that bears the same trials and tribulations as you... someone that has gone through so much to gain control over their life.

I can imagine everyone, from all different walks of life, so different from one another, but with the same food/weight/control issues that connects us here on blogger, seeing each other for the first time, and just... understanding each other. Feeling no judgment, no contempt... just understanding.

Am I making sense?

I would never feel alone, knowing that my best friends were privy to my deepest, darkest secrets...and knowing that they were experiencing the same ordeals.

I would never again have to worry about family or overly-concerned friends attempting to make me EAT EAT EAT, or have to worry about finding a chocolate cake in a roommate's fridge and trying to ignore it. I wouldn't have to worry about lying and hiding my secret.
I could be myself, food-free with my beautiful, beautiful blogger friends.

We could link slender, fat-free arms and walk away from all our demons.

I don't know if this makes sense...but it's difficult to articulate my thoughts, even online.
I know meeting everyone is improbable and highly unlikely...but I enjoy thinking of that scenario.
And I'm not ungrateful, not in the least. I'm so terribly happy that I at least have you girls here, on blogger. What would I have become were it not for you?

I have a playlist on my iPod titled "morose". All the songs on there are songs I have put solely for the purpose of making me cry.
Now I need an "ana" playlist.
Does anyone know any songs that relate, and where can I find them?

Monday, 13 April 2009

rumbly in my tumbly

I woke up today feeling marvelously light. I couldn't believe that I had gotten through the first day of severe restriction (38 calories of raw green beans!).
And, oddly, my head did not pound once today, although my hands have been shaking all day. I really noticed them in art today, and it was difficult to paint neatly...

I find that when I restrict, the mere scent of food is enough to satisfy my ravenous stomach. Today as I walked through the halls in school I could smell the delicious buttery flavour of popcorn wafting from the office. Oh, oh, oh. I don't really even care much for popcorn, but it smelled so scrumptious and it accompanied me throughout the entire hall.

I came home to an empty house, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed an orange, and ran upstairs. I think there's a greater likelihood of me bingeing when no one's around...
I could hardly finish the large california navel, but I forced myself to eat it because, while I'm severely restricting my caloric intake, I still need vitamins and such.

I also lied to my mum today about eating dinner. She's out grocery shopping and asked if I wanted french fries or baked potatoes to accompany the brisket she made (she usually asks me, instead of my siblings, what I think we should have for dinner). Of COURSE I want all of that! But I was a good girl and told her I felt sick (I do, somewhat) and that I'd eaten two oranges. So she got something my siblings would want to eat instead. I feel bad for lying, but it's something I'm going to have to get used to.

I've also begun my nightly exercising. Which is actually quite pathetic compared to what some of you girls do, like Jenna's almost 5-mile runs! But it makes me feel a bit better to know that I'm doing something.

Well, I'm off to put my teeth-bleaching trays in before I break my so-far-successful second day of restricting.

TOTAL: 85 calories
WEIGHT: 131 lbs.

welcome new followers! (can I just send out a welcome to all my future followers so that I don't sound like an idiot saying "welcome" at the end of each post?)

have a lovely Monday!

Sunday, 12 April 2009

no chocolate bunnies for me

15 fresh green beans, a glass of water, and already I'm full! (But I admit, I need some fucking chocolate NOW)

So, I'm an avid reader. Whenever I read, I'm so engrossed in my book that if someone were standing in front of my shouting my name, it would take me a moment to realise it. Books are one of the few things more important to me than my body image. I read philosophical novels, post-apocalyptic novels, mysteries, memoirs, fantasy......and even lower-age level books.

Like Scott Westerfeld's UGLIES series (futuristic, post-apocalyptic). They aren't that much lower-age level, and the series revolves around humanity and some very deep issues. I absolutely loved them. Just as I had with Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Eragon, and Twilight (I admit those teen novel sensations are addicting), I read the UGLIES series in about three days (four books). I just ate 'em up!

Anyway, in the UGLIES world, there are things called "calorie purgers". You take them after a large meal, and they immediately rid your body of all calories consumed.

I wish they were real.

I apologise for deceiving anyone who thought my little book nonsense would lead elsewhere, not to "calorie purgers"! But I had to explain and I got a bit off tangent ;]

This week I've got work...but I will absolutely not eat anything at all there because I made myself that "this is the last straw" promise.

welcome new followers, and hello to everyone else
send me a comment occasionally; it gets kind of lonely on here!


TOTAL - 38 calories
all-time low calorie intake!

ah, how my head pounds :D

the last straw

My Brasilian friend M spent a couple nights at my house....and we made Brasilian chocolate. Loads of it.
I did eat it, along with multiple other things, and a couple hours ago I weighed myself - 135.

That's the highest I've been in almost 2 months, and it's going to go down starting now.

I swear this is THE last straw. Everyday my binges and no purging are adding weight, and I'm getting dangerously close to 140. I CANNOT allow that to happen.

I was stuck in the 140's for ever, now I've been stuck in the 130''s time to stick myself in the 120's.

No more peanut butter crackers. No more chocolate. No more walnuts, pecans, or almonds. No more bread, pasta, rice. NO MORE.

Tomorrow is fresh green beans.
Monday - celery
Tuesday - apple
Wednesday - orange
Thursday - celery
Friday - apple
Saturday - orange

Not very much variety but I need to eat what I've already got. When those items are finished I'll buy some fresh broccoli and carrots.

135, you're goin' down and never going up again. I swear it!

Friday, 10 April 2009

congrats on being a complete failure!

Have I ever mentioned how much I despise jelly beans? Or any licorice, for that matter.
Well, I do, and jelly beans were the cause of a binge today. The only reason I even ate them was because of my 86 calorie day yesterday....

I have been hiding a 4 lb. jar of Jelly Belly's in my closet for my brother H's birthday.
He's my 5'7 115 lb. 13 year old brother. The one who eats three heaping bowls of Lucky Charms and two bags of popcorn in a row.

Anyway, I walked into my closet today and saw the jar, was curious about the nutritional information so I picked it up. (140 calories for 35 jelly beans, in case anyone was wondering)
Then I saw the various flavors...and I have to admit that the Mango and Orange Juice flavors sounded sort of...good. So I opened the top, picked a bright orange jelly bean (there are about five variations of every colour of the rainbow in the jar), and ate it. It was Tangerine, and it was delicious. So I ate another. French vanilla. Yet another, chocolate pudding. Kiwi, cantaloupe, raspberry.
I couldn't stop myself. I just continued to pick out different flavours and eat them. And as I said, I HATE jelly beans...yet there I was eating them as though I loved them.
I eventually realised how nauseated they had made me feel, so I finally forced myself to stop.
Of course, I had to do something about the nasty feeling in my stomach and taste in my mouth. So I ate some real food. Rice and bean/bacon soup. And peanut butter crackers (damn I'm such a hypocrite for saying I'll never eat those again...I swear they've got some addictive ingredient in them).

Then later on in the day I had a banana, enchiladas, gallo pinto (rice & beans), cool whip w/ strawberries, a chocolate bar, two more packages of pb cracks, and a walnut brownie.

I can hardly breathe. I don't dare weigh myself. It doesn't motivate me to restrict and lose weight. It just makes me more depressed.

I was supposed to go to my dad's this weekend. Which would have boded even worse since going over there would have involved Afghan parties and Afghan food.
Fortunately I used my needing to finish my government and english essays as an the great disappointment of my dad.
But he can live with it. I wouldn't want him and his family to see how disgustingly fat I am.

I know I've been eating like an elephant for quite some time because I have a BM EVERY SINGLE DAY. That's fucking bogus, and disgusting. I hate it.
Tomorrow I'll be alone at home, cleaning the entire house and working on my English.

Think I can stick to celery?

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

in the game at last

Began my day following the list I had planned out yesterday.
134 lbs this morning. Hopefully that will be down tomorrow...
  • 1 1/2 stalks of celery - 30 cals
  • two grape jolly ranchers - 46 cals
    TOTAL - 76 calories

I didn't even think about eating the jolly ranchers. I really really regret eating them because I could have had an orange instead of wasting my calories on candy. Eating an orange would have raised my count to 156 cals...even if they are "healthy" calories.

I'm really going to stick with the 100 cals or less thing every day, regardless of how healthy the food is.
Is this a reasonable plan? Or do I need to raise the amount of calories I allow myself to have, say, to 200 calories?
I don't just seems as though the only way to put a stop to my binges is to immediately restrict to about ten times less calories the next day, and the next, and the next.

Now I have the whole night to devote to homework.
And I truly look forward to shaky hands, pounding headaches, and a lower number on the scale tomorrow.

I hope everyone is doing okay?

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

life is mundane

I totally did not restrict today.
My government exam was today, and I didn't want to have an obnoxious, grumbly stomach while I took my I ate lunch. I really don't know why I've been eating lunch occasionally! I always regret it so much (I don't dare attempt to purge at school), and it always leads to a binge once I get home...

I'm still skipping breakfast, however.

Tomorrow I MUST have only 100 calories or less. Grabbing an orange and some celery instead of spending hours in the kitchen stuffing cheezits and walnuts down my throat will allow more homework time. Which I most definitely need.
I have a cumulative, three-page essay that covers 14 chapters of American Government that is due on THURSDAY. Which I have not even begun.
So my plan for tomorrow is:

  1. wake up
  2. bathroom, weigh
  3. no breakfast
  4. waste my life at school
  5. come home
  6. IMMEDIATELY get an orange and celery
  7. RUN out of the kitchen to my room upstairs
  8. begin essay
  9. slave away until 2 a.m.
  10. sleep until 6 a.m.
  11. (thursday) repeat #'s 1-10

I'm at a chunky 133 lbs. For a girl my height and age, that's healthy. For me, it's fucking obese and I can see my double chin and pregnant-sized stomach and love handles and round face and saggy bum and I. am. a. sickening. sight.

p.s. welcome new followers!

Monday, 6 April 2009

seeing things

Prom on Saturday was great! Loads of calorie burning booty shakin'.

I ordered what I said I was going to at The Cheesecake Factory. I was imagining my 275 appetizer salad to be small; however, the bowl and the salad were about as large as a soccer ball cut in half...if you can imagine that. And it was an APPETIZER! I didn't even finish the whole thing, even though the asparagus, edamame, and beets were delicious.

I was the only one at my table who didn't order cheesecake for dessert, because I despise cheesecake. I ordered the Godiva fudge brownie sundae...and THAT monstrosity (1300+ calories) consisted of THREE big slices of fudge brownie, two measuring cup-sized scoops of vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, and Godiva chocolate squares. It was the largest dessert at the table, and I offered it to everyone but nobody wanted any. I ate the ice cream and a third of one brownie. I took the rest home to my mum. I couldn't believe how gigantic it was, and I am SO glad that I didn't eat it all.

At prom there were some hors d'oeuvres, and I did eat a rice krispy treat and a cookie, but I also ate some broccoli, carrots, cherry tomatoes, celery, strawberries, and grapes.


Sunday and today I binged. I also purged today. It's those fucking peanut butter crackers. But after my third package today I think I have finally, finally become sick of them.
This week is also going to be extremely stressful - I've got art projects, English essays, and Government exams/essays all due on Thursday. I need to prioritize - school over food.

On days that I binge, I spend about 4 hours in the kitchen. Doing nothing else but scarfing down food. That's FOUR wasted hours that could be used for school work. After wasting those hours I find myself beginning homework at 9 p.m. and staying up until 3 a.m.
Running on 3 hours of sleep every day has taken its toll. I doze off in every class, I have permanent bags under my eyes, and I've begun to hallucinate in class. The hallucinating is the worst because they merge with the actual lectures and I don't know what's going on.

Extreme stress/anxiety, sleep-deprivation, weight gain, and hallucinations are detrimental to my life. If only I could knock food out of the picture, I would be able to handle everything else much more easily.
Wish me heaps of luck as I try to stick with a 100 calorie or less week! (meaning mostly oranges/apples/celery)

Thursday, 2 April 2009

I love celery

Yesterday was a 1,400 calorie day. No need for details.

Was 132 this morning...

I had two stalks of celery and a ginger snap, and a little square of dove milk chocolate.
Total - 84 calories

I keep forgetting to drink water....I'm just not ever really thirsty anymore...
I used to have water wherever I went, and I drank it constantly; wonder what happened?

I'm sooo excited for my senior prom! Even for the Cheesecake Factory. Which I know is terrible... I should feign ill or something while we're there.
But I couldn't do that - I'd miss out on all the livelihood and my friends.