Thursday, 30 April 2009

gargantuan buffoon

Began my day fantastically.
I had half a banana for breakfast, and then water throughout the school day.

After school at around 4:30 I went to the chinese buffet with my family. I almost cried when I got there and saw all the food just sitting there, awaiting consumption.
So I hesitantly made my way to the buffet, and got only steamed rice and these garlic green beans. But it was enough to fill the entire plate. And I ate it all, and drank two glasses of water.
My stomach hurt like a bitch, and I realised that (even with chopsticks) I had finished before everyone else. So I sat there looking mournfully at my now empty plate. My mum asked me why I didn't get more, but I just shook my head.

After we were done, I raced home, and purged. I think my nails were too long and I must have scratched my throat so now it hurts. My back hurts as well; I think it's from all the heaving.

I feel better and worse. Now I'm thirsty, but I'm afraid to go to the kitchen for fear that I may binge again. I think I may just get some water from the bathroom.

I'm sure you're thinking "why didn't you just not eat, pretend to be sick or something?". Exactly my question to myself. But I'm a coward, I posess no willpower, and I JUST LOVE FOOD SO FUCKING MUCH. No matter how much I cry and beat my fat.

Whatever. I don't know what's goin' down tomorrow.
And on Saturday I have work. I don't know what's going to happen then either. I always begin my day at work looking at the food saying to myself "you can do it! you don't need all that fatty shit"...and then I end up eating a biscuit, bagel, donut, cream of wheat, yogurt, and hashbrowns.

Oh, so after I donated blood I went to the website to check my cholesterol. It's at 220. fuck. The recommended/normal level is 200, and 240 is the you-need-to-see-a-doctor-ASAP level. I'm right in the middle. fuck fuck fuck. I can't believe that my fucking cholesterol is so high! It's all from the chocolate, butter, and red meat that I consume.
Coronary Artery disease, here I come.

love you guys.

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Daisy said...

howdy :o)
Good luck tomorrow.
Stay strong!

xx, Daisy

TryingShadow said...

If you need to eat something, that's okay. Prefer to eat that, rather than go home with cravings and just eat eat eat.
Good luck with the rest of it, don't feel bad.
Gem xx

PrettyWreck said...

Oh, love. It's so HARD when you go out, and don't hold it against yourself. You'll pull through. I just keep telling myself, "I can't eat this now, but later, when I lose the weight, I can have it. But only in moderation."

I really wish I had the guts to purge yesterday, but the migraine I had just KILLED any desire to do anything that could make it worse D:

Lots of water can help, and yeah...cutting back on all the fatty stuff. It's a good reason to cut back and a good excuse to not eat. Show that to your mom one day the next time she recommends going out ANYWHERE fattening and be like, "I can't. See? I have to watch my cholestrol."

PrettyWreck said...

AND YES! Samosas! I think someone said they were Indian, but I'm not sure, tbh. And since I'm completely clueless as to anything culturally food related but Americanized Chinese, Italian, and regular Sushi and bad Jewish food, I didn't want to burst out with a random place and wind up shagging it all to hell and back XD

How marvelously far I've gotten jumped back like, a few pounds in one fucking day. I cried when I got on the scale today. I have never cried when I've gotten onto the scale. I just need to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Fenie said...

good luck at work! you can do it! stay strong girlie!

and thank you for your comment. I dont plan on purging on a regular basis. I dont know what was up with me yesterday =/ I was in such an odd mood.

Hope your having a super day