Tuesday, 14 April 2009

I had a dream

that I woke up in the middle of the night and ate the entire contents of my pantry. I stuffed crackers, cookies, canned vegetables, and even raw grains of rice in my mouth.
It was a true, awful nightmare.

Today my mom brought out a chocolate easter bunny that she'd been hiding from me. I took it upstairs, and seriously contemplated eating the whole thing. Until I calculated all the nutritional facts.
I would have consumed 1050 calories, 55 grams of fat, 25 mg of cholesterol, 24 g of carbs, and 20 grams of sugar.
It was ludicrous. I couldn't allow myself to eat it. I felt as though I had eaten the bunny, and I just couldn't bear it. So I threw it on the floor and began crying. That was at 10 p.m.

At 11 I got in bed and cried, no, wept, until 1 a.m.
I begged Ana to save me, to take me under her wing and shelter me from food and fat and obesity. I just want to be beautiful. I just want to be thin. I asked her this over and over again. She finally entered my thoughts.
You fucking fat obese hog, you don't deserve to be beautiful. You're a disgusting pig who shoves chocolate and peanut butter crackers down your throat everyday. But I will help you. You have ONE chance to achieve thinness and beauty...

I'm still at 131...I expected a lower number but it's most likely from the massive amounts of water I drink.


Since starting this blog, I've often wondered what it would be like if all of us (blogger girls) got together.
Like, if all of us met each other for the first time, in person.
To meet someone who suffers just as much as you do, even perhaps a bit less or a little more. To see the face of an anonymous ana girl that bears the same trials and tribulations as you... someone that has gone through so much to gain control over their life.

I can imagine everyone, from all different walks of life, so different from one another, but with the same food/weight/control issues that connects us here on blogger, seeing each other for the first time, and just... understanding each other. Feeling no judgment, no contempt... just understanding.

Am I making sense?

I would never feel alone, knowing that my best friends were privy to my deepest, darkest secrets...and knowing that they were experiencing the same ordeals.

I would never again have to worry about family or overly-concerned friends attempting to make me EAT EAT EAT, or have to worry about finding a chocolate cake in a roommate's fridge and trying to ignore it. I wouldn't have to worry about lying and hiding my secret.
I could be myself, food-free with my beautiful, beautiful blogger friends.

We could link slender, fat-free arms and walk away from all our demons.

I don't know if this makes sense...but it's difficult to articulate my thoughts, even online.
I know meeting everyone is improbable and highly unlikely...but I enjoy thinking of that scenario.
And I'm not ungrateful, not in the least. I'm so terribly happy that I at least have you girls here, on blogger. What would I have become were it not for you?

I have a playlist on my iPod titled "morose". All the songs on there are songs I have put solely for the purpose of making me cry.
Now I need an "ana" playlist.
Does anyone know any songs that relate, and where can I find them?


Jenna said...

I have a morose playlist too-- its called "melancholy mix." You definitely have to include Benny Benassi's "Satisfaction" and Kanye's "Stronger" in your ana mix!

Daisy said...

I also wish we all could meet.
I wish I had ana friends in real life.
Actually being able to spend time with someone on the same page as me would be amazing. Someone to hang out with and do things other than eat would be such a rare find.

Maggie said...

I've thought about that. Life would be alot easier ~ then we could all actually go on fasts etc. It would be a lot of fun but perhaps also a little dangerous for our health - right now our family and friends constrain our irrational behaviour, take them away and we could simply spiral out of control ~ with a likely stop to a hospital. But yes, I would for example love to have roommate who is also ana.