Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Fasting FAIL

You guys pretty much guessed correctly on the meaning of my blog title!
I was worried it wouldn't make any sense lol.

I really actually wanted people to know that my blog was about all eating disorders, including ones "not otherwise specified".
Because I've "dabbled" in bulimia (which is what I lean toward, much to my dislike), anorexia, compulsive over-eating, and binge-eating. All melded together.
And I didn't want to just write "ednos"...too plain. So I came up with the current title. Because maybe Ed knows my secrets?

So the first day (Tuesday) of Savory Sweet's water fast was awesome. I did it. Yeah, my brain was pounding the shit out of my head, but I felt great. Today my head didn't hurt as much, but it still throbbed. All I had during the day was water and a peppermint (are those allowed? eheh).

When I got home...I binged on baby carrots and chocolate cake. DAMNIT! damn. it.
After the almost two days of only water I felt very ill, so I rushed to the bathroom and purged three times. Which was quite a feat because purging has always been a difficult thing to master. But today I stuck my fingers down my throat farther down than I normally do. And it worked.

I feel disgusting, my heart is beating quickly, I'm thirsty, even after brushing my teeth four times my breath still reeks of vomit, and, the most hated side effect - swollen cheeks and jowls.

I really don't know why I've just completely spiralled out of control these past three weeks. It seems that after my Paris & London trip I've become a true gluttonous junk-food loving American. Sometimes I fucking hate this country. Or at least, some of things it's known for (obesity).

Tomorrow my family has made plans to go to a chinese buffet for dinner. I told my mum I didn't want to go, she said "you need to go so we can have a nice family night out." FUCK. THAT. So I told her I didn't want to go because I wouldn't be able to eat alot, therefore she would be wasting her money on me. She said that just because it was a buffet I didn't necessarily have to eat massive amounts of food to get my money's worth. THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING TO A BUFFET?!? I told her once again I didn't want to go, this time with tears in my eyes and my voice wavering (I was in upstairs, and she was talking to me from the bottom of the stairs so she couldn't see me). And she got angry so I said "fine, I'll go" and then she walked away.

I'm fucking screwed. I know I'll binge. I always do. And this is a chinese buffet. 100 times worse than bingeing at home...I won't eat any meat (it's nasty anyway), fried/breaded food, or dessert. I'll have fruit, veggies, and steamed rice. And THAT'S IT.

I wish I could have been able to continue the water fast.

So every night I listen to my "perfection" playlist. It's got the standard ana songs (by superchick, silverchair, sia, etc.). Sometimes I whisper the lyrics while I lie in bed. My favorite song is "Beauty From Pain" by Superchick. It's so beautiful...I'm not sure why, but it is. Here's the list as of now:

  • Skinny Love - Bon Iver (one of my favorite musicians and my username)
  • Little Thing - Dave Matthews Band (not about ed's but it's mostly for the title)
  • Hello - Evanescence (such a morose song)
  • Bleed Like Me - Garbage (dude, the first stanza is about ana)
  • This Will Make You Love Again - IAMX (lyricsss)
  • Everything's Just Wonderful - Lily Allen ("if I buy those drinks, I can look like Kate Moss")
  • Stop/Start - The Pale Pacific ("I'm still sad everyday")
  • Creep - Radiohead (classic ana song, yeah?)
  • Creep (acoustic version) - because I like acoustic versions!
  • Breathe Me - Sia (I love her husky, broken voice)
  • Ana's Song (Open Fire) - Silverchair (I like everything but the chorus)
  • Broken - Sincerely August (this is a beautiful song by an obscure singer who doesn't seem to have a myspace even. I'll post the song up maybe one day for download)
  • Beauty From Pain - Superchick (sooooo beautiful!)
  • Courage - Superchick (I thought the singing was cheesy at first but it's a good song)

I love you guys. Truly, I do.

1 comment:

Savory Sweet said...

Hey, don't beat yourself up about ending the fast early. I've thought about ending it so many times and if I didn't have my GW deadline coming up, I probably would have broken down and stopped!

Drink a bunch of water before you go to the buffet. Like A LOT. Like 40 oz in only a few minutes. You'll feel fuller and a little sickish. Then you won't binge (or binge as much). Then just keep drinking water at the buffet. You'll do great!!!

All the best :)