Tuesday, 21 April 2009

off my trolley.

I think I'm mentally unstable. Well, I know I am. But I think I'm going crazy. barmy. kookoo nuts.

Earlier today, after I took a shower, I found myself standing in front of the fogged-up mirror, which was full of drawn-on stick figures. It took me a moment to realise that I had drawn them, and that I was muttering/giggling(what the hell?) to Ana to eat my fat.

I think it's a combination of stress, sleep-deprivation which leads to hallucinations, weight gain, inconsistent eating patterns, and just my entire fucked-up life.

So, since yesterday I most likely ate enough to gain a pound (3500 cals), literally. I'm going to begin the 2468 deal. Except I will reverse it, to ease myself into it after yesterday's monstrous intake. So instead of beginning with 200 cals, I will start with 800, Tuesday it will be 600, and so on. Then after the 200 (Thursday), I will continue the cycle, with Friday being 800, Saturday (I'm not sure; I'm going to my dad's so I may fake ill and pretend that my stomach hurts).
I may even throw in a couple liquid-fast days as well...V8 sounds appetising at the moment!
And so I will follow this plan while trying to run/jog every other day, and doing various other exercises as well.
Hopefully by the end of the week, 135 will be gone forever...

Since I'm donating blood tomorrow, I've got to eat a decent breakfast (bleh). I need to be certain that I consume enough iron, so I think I will eat some raisins, honey nut cheerios WITHOUT milk (I refuse to drink it, although I need the calcium), and half a banana. That should be around 200-215 calories (I'm not sure how many calories raisins have).

I'm donating at 10 a.m. I really don't want to eat anything after, even though I'm supposed to. I may just drink some apple juice (if it isn't 100% juice, or if it has high fructose corn syrup, I'll just drink water) and if I absolutely MUST eat something, I'll pick one of the provided snacks with the least calories/fat/sugar.
I've donated twice before, and I've never felt faint or ill afterwards. So for dinner I may just make fruit salad (orange, apple, banana). Maybe. I'm not sure if that will be safe, to restrict after donating a pint of blood...what do you think?

Also, since the realisation that I'm mentally unstable, I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a little chat with myself. A serious, you-better-fucking-change-your-life chat. I told myself how disgusting I was, and how disgusted I was with myself. I berated myself for my horrendous 10-pound weight gain over a mere two months. I told myself how repulsive it was that I ate nearly FOUR packages of pb crackers EVERYDAY, chocolate, meat, cheese, and sugar-loaded shit, while starving children everywhere were dying. I told myself that I was a hypocritical, selfish hog, eating mounds of food while other people died.
Ana told me she would never help me if I did not stop eating by tomorrow. She vowed never to return if I continued this. "It must stop tonight."

I am nearing 140 pounds. The funny thing is, this morning my mum made a toaster strudel and asked me if I wanted it. I said no, I wanted an orange. She asked, no, sneered at me "why, because the strudel has too many calories?" And I said no, I just don't want the strudel, I want an orange (but what she said was the truth). And then she looked at me and said, "You know, you look as though you've lost weight."
I looked her straight in the eyes and said "I have not lost a single pound. I'm still 138 (135, actually, but the last time she saw my weight I was 140). What makes you think I have? Because I chose the orange over the strudel?"
She didn't say anything.
And I think she just said that because I hardly eat dinner with the family anymore. In fact, the only thing my family ever sees me eat is chocolate and pb crackers.
And yet, she completely missed the fact that my jawline is almost invisible, my face is rounder, and my stomach is visibly larger. She thinks her daughter is starving herself, when in fact I'm "fulling" myself.

For the past two days I've also been getting pounding headaches. Which is strange, because I usually only get them if I restrict for two days. Lately they've been coming after I eat. Is it a sugar overload? I told my mum about it(which was a bit stupid), and she asked me what I've been eating (since she thinks I'm starving myself). I told her school lunch (which is the truth), and I told her that I get them after everytime I eat. She didn't buy it. But I swear it's true, and I don't know what's happening to my poor brain.

After I donate blood, I need CONTROL. I don't want Ana to leave me forever.


PrettyWreck said...

You won't be left, bb. I'm lucky--I work overnights and school in the morning, so I don't eat with the family anymore.

I think you needed the break. I know it sucks to have eaten so much, because when I eat more than a certain amount I feel like SHIT. But we all need a breather every now and then.

Be careful about what you eat. Switching on and off, on and off, could have a bad reaction on your blood sugar.

I hope you feel better.

margeurite said...

Crazy people never say "I think I'm crazy."

You're probably just stressed out. Your weight is conquerable, you just need to take it easy. Know that, as you restrict, your body is doing its own work, shrinking those fat cells. You need to trust in yourself that you can refuse food, but don't break that trust whenever you slip up. Know a mistake can be made up for. Don't be too hard on yourself, because that can just make it harder to deny yourself food. Why would you allow someone you hate to become slim?

Have faith!

PrettyWreck said...

SOUPER SALAD! That's it. There's another one with a tomato in it though....I don't go out to eat (I haven't gone out to eat in like, a year, except to Denny's, because I'm never awake during the day anymore XD)

IF YOU WANT I'll make a zip of the songs I have on my computer and I can upload them somewhere for you. I don't think you should have a problem playing any of them, though I haven't been able to download a few (they're IMPOSSIBLE to find.)