Monday, 20 April 2009


Day one of the reverse 2468.
Only today, I binged a bit at dinner. So I changed it to 2468-10. 10 for 1,000.

But it won't become a regular thing.
Marguerite, thank you for the advice! I think it is much more sensible to "gradually wean" myself off food by knocking off about 500-300 calories each day. And hopefully that will slowly shrink my stomach so that I'm not starving/bingeing after having switched from 2000 to 200 calories .
For some reason I had pounding headaches throughout the day. Why? I haven't restricted for a long time in a while...perhaps it's my body telling me that I've been consuming entirely too much sodium, sugars, fat, and above all, CALORIES? I dunno.

It's so strange to be eating breakfast again. I was actually enjoyed skipping it, regardless of the fact that it led to terrible binges (I hate that fucking word.'s disgusting). I'm not eating anything big, only a small apple. I don't plan on increasing the amount/variety of food for breakfast anytime soon.

My lame jogging sesh yesterday actually did something. My legs and abdomen are very sore. It's great to know that I worked out some of my problem areas, but it's also shitty to know that a trivial amount of exercise rendered me almost too sore to walk...

I don't have to work this week, so I pray that I will be able to exhibit some, if any, self-control. I fucking hate my job...but only because of the food. I vow that after I quit working there (I've been there for two years, it's high time to move on!) I will choose an occupation that doesn't involve food. I know my life will become heaps more manageable.

Once I move out, away from family, I will begin to construct a new life. A life free of food and weight gain. I'll only buy a small fridge, and stock it with raw fruits/vegetables, and water. And I'll get myself a gym membership, maybe even a trainer....or I'll take dance classes. I don't know. But this will be happening during university. And if I'm to succeed in uni, I need to dedicate time for studying. Not food.


PrettyWreck said...

Good job with running, though. And when you wrote out "BINNN-jiz" I cracked up. I don't know why.

Where do you work at?

Also, about the poem, yeah, I did write it :3 I tend to write when I can't sleep.
And the seven times--you said you have to wash your hands seven times?

PrettyWreck said...

Not sure if you get any replies I leave on my own blogger. I'm used to LJ, tbh XD

Anyway, I wanted to reply to one of your comments with...
If you think needing her to be slender is bad, my first thought when I realized who Beth Ditto is was "Oh sweet mother of God, it has a NAME?"

So...yeah. Don't feel bad. She terrifies me.

And about the binges--I make all my food when I binge. I force myself to cook it. So here I am, knowing it's wrong, but not caring, taking the time to make it up and then eat it. It's like a double whamy, so I know what you mean. And are you kidding about feeling like you can't measure up? You have more control than I could ever hope to. And your weight is absolutely fantastic. You don't even want to know what I'm at right now. I kind of want to hide in a ball. One of the girls I follow--I'm currently fourteen pounds heavier than her starting weight. I started out at a bad spot, and i hate myself for letting me get there.

You're one of the people I admire, so don't forget that, yeah?

Delaney said...

Please do not let your obsession with your weight consume you, no pun intended. You are going to hurt yourself and cause more weight gain if you yo-yo on your weight. I know because it happened to me. Be comfortable in your own skin first, then work slowly to change your eating habits and slowly and consistently lose some weight striving to keep what you are losing off. Yo-yo weight loss/gain will cause your body's set point to change permanently and then you are faced with lifelong weight issues like I have. Please quit being so hard on yourself and down on your self image because you will subconsciously sabotage yourself and your diets. Love yourself for who you are inside, then work on the outside and you will be happier and healthier in the long run.