Sunday, 19 April 2009

failure, loser, worthless?

Forced myself to eat an orange for breakfast. I'm so used to not eating breakfast, but I need to fix my dilemma.

Once I got to work....I gave in. I fucking gave in.

A biscuit with margarine.
A quarter of a blueberry bagel with cream cheese and honey.
A donut.
1 cup of cream of wheat with brown sugar.
Maybe it doesn't seem like a massive amount, but notice how it all consists of CARBS.

At home I had two packages of the beloved/despised pb crackers, a small gala apple, TWO toaster strudels, garlic squash and green beans(the only "real" un-processed meal today), cheez-its, a croissant, and chocolate (am I addicted to carbs or something??). All during the course of one hour, so it wasn't exactly a frenzied binge, just a continuous food-gobbling session. And it all added up to almost 2000 calories. Fucking marvelous, yeah?

I also had a fight with my mum. Dealing with my food/weight issues, coupled with MAJOR stress from school, has created a perpetually pissed off bitch out of me. I'm usually a very quiet, jovial(on the outside, HAH) person, and my mum noticed the change. And that is mostly what the fight was about.
It ended in her leaving the house to go visit a friend, and me checking the scale (135, mostly food/water weight) and then standing in front of the mirror for an hour squeezing my fat and weeping. I'm a fucking COWARD. A WEAK, WORTHLESS COWARD.

I found some photos of me from 2005-2006, when I was the fittest I'd ever been (as a result of a year of a vigourous dance class). I had a defined jawline, slim arms, and a flat belly/abdomen. I'll un-conceitedly admit, I was beautiful. I've no idea how much I weighed; it was most likely around 118-123. Almost 20 pounds' difference from now.
Just a couple months ago, in February, I was 125. SO fucking close to 123. And now where am I? FIFTEEN POUNDS heavier, in April. I'VE GAINED FIFTEEN BLOODY POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS.

I am seething. And it is entirely by my own doing that I am like this.
To help myself lose weight, I've put a picture of a thin model next to a revolting woman whose legs resemble...scramble eggs(and they are each most likely WIDER than the model) on my mobile phone. Anyway, the idea is that everytime I feel like eating, I will whip out my phone and take a long gander at the picture. I hope it works.

I also went running/jogging outside for the first time in almost five months. I usually just jog in place in my bedroom, but I only ended up losing about 30 calories. Actually, I only lost 30 calories today as well. I picked a terrible day to run. The wind speed was 40 mph and it was chilly.

Also, while I was jogging around my neighborhood, a freaking ST. BERNARD rushed towards me, barking and growling, and nearly attacked me. (I'm a bit afraid of large dogs) I stopped and waited for him (he is aptly named "Bear") to finish growling and leave me alone...but he continued to run around me, so I turned back the direction I had come...and he followed me. By this point I was on the verge of crying, I was so scared. Everytime he ran towards me he got about five inches away from me, and I thought at any moment he would bite. (I am fairly certain that he was NOT being playful!) So I continued to walk as swiftly as possible while not looking at him. He finally gave up his terrorising and I was able to run back home. Fucking dog.
Now I'm afraid to leave my house, because his owner allows him to run around the neighborhood. So I may have to find another location to run...

Anyway, I'm donating blood on Wednesday, so I'm not sure what my food plans are for this week. I just need to make sure I get enough iron and a right below normal amount of sugar I suppose. And after I donate my blood I am CHANGING MY LIFESTYLE.

I will encumber myself no longer.


PrettyWreck said...

On the day you donate blood, bring honey packets with you, or a protein bar to eat half before and half after. There's also low calorie shakes for diabetics that have carbs in them. They're very helpful.

I'm sorry about your binge. We all do stuff like that sometimes ): I know it's hard but just remember how you feel after and hold that in your mind. That's the part that matters. The next time you feel the urge to put it in your mouth remind yourself of how terrible you feel NOW and maybe that will also help.

As for the dog--HOLY SHIT. I would have cried, and I love dogs. I don't even try running in my neighborhood anymore. We have someone that has a bulldog they let run around, and luckily my HUGE guy friend was running with me, and took him down pretty fast, but I'm about as tall as the dog (Kindofsortofifhewereonhishindlegs) and just NO.

Do you have a rec center you can run at???

I'm sorry your day was so bad. You'll get through it. I know you will. ♥

PrettyWreck said...

Oh man. The oreos and stuff will destroy you D:!!! Or they would me. Good luck with that, bb!!!

Now you have me curious, though! Why seven times?

It sucks that you live that far away from a rec center. I'm lazy if there's not equipment around. It takes mass effort to get my ass to the gym most days (that's a 15-20 minute drive away).

Anonymous said...

Aren't there leash laws where you live?? That's awful but you handled it well.

margeurite said...

That sucks about your binge and the fight with your mom.

Have you tried gradually weaning yourself off of food? That's how I started; instead of my usual 2000 cals/day, I started eating 1500. Then I lowered it to 1200, then 1000, then 800-600. I had to stay at each level for a day or two to get used to it, but it worked for me. That may be more effective than trying to eat 300 cals after being used to 2000 cals.

Keep trying, and don't be too hard on yourself. This is difficult, but you can definitely do it.

Anonymous said...

Well obviously you did well with the dog because it didn't eat you. :) I'm not sure the "correct" protocol for such things.

Buddha's Feast is an Asian dish: asparagus, broccoli, snap peas, carrots, mushrooms and tofu. I got it steamed, no oil. It was tasty and low cal!