Saturday, 5 September 2009

I can't hide my mistakes forever.

After Wednesday's binge, I didn't eat a single thing all day Thursday or all day today. Until earlier this evening. Mum decided she wanted to go to the store.
So we went and what did I do?

I bought three different kinds of chocolate, and I ate them all in the store. ALL OF IT.  I must be so fucking disgusting and worthless if I have resorted to getting loads of chocolate at the store and eating it ALL before even paying for it.
And oh, I'm paying for it. My stomach, god DAMN my stomach feels worse than after the binge. I refuse to purge 1. because it's just so disgusting, and 2. purging chocolate is the most vile thing I've ever tasted.

So we return home. I'm sitting on the couch digging my nails into my stomach, willing the fat to go far, far away, and mum comes into the room to show me the new shirts she bought. She showed me one, then pulled it off to put another one on. When she took off her shirt I had to look. I just had to.

My mother is the fucking Queen of Thinspiration. For middle-aged women, at least. I know it may be weird that I was staring at my mum's body, but I wasn't seeing her. I was seeing the most beautiful thinspo I have ever seen. I became so conscious of my rolls of fat and utter obesity versus her perfect figure that I began to cry. I had to leave the room before she saw/heard me.

If I could take a photo, I would.

I won't be 134 by Sunday. I can't fucking believe that after all my binges and screw-ups and mistakes and just everything, that I continue to do this. Eat myself to death.

All I can ask is WHY? WHY WHY WHY

Why the fuck did I have to be in this situation?

You know last year, during Ramadan, when it came time to break my fast, I didn't binge. I ate a little and STOPPED before I was full. I didn't binge because I hadn't been exposed to the world of ED's.

I was HAPPY. Thoughts of food didn't crowd my mind, cloud my judgment, consume my entire life. I didn't have to worry that the ONE cookie I was eating had too much cholesterol, or fat, or sugar, or fucking CALORIES.

I didn't know what thinspo was, I had never heard of the ABC diet, I treated food like food, not something to be despised or gorged on. I DIDN'T HAVE THIS FUCKING SHIT IN MY LIFE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I NEVER WANTED THIS, I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS.

Every bloody night I lie awake, going over and over and over the things that I shouldn't have eaten, the exercise I should have done, the calories I should have taken into consideration. I mean what kind of person wastes their PRECIOUS life on worrying about FOOD? WHY has this become such a massive ordeal? Such an obstacle that all of us (the ED population) must endure EVERY WAKING MILLISECOND of our lives?

Why must our happiness be based upon the number our scale says, or the measurement of our bodies? Why can't those things be insignificant? Why aren't we allowed to worry about NORMAL things, like "did I remember to water the plants today?" or "What time is the meeting?".
What's the point in pretending that our lives are normal on the outside? Why should we act as if our lives are perfect when we're DYING?

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE THIS LIE. I want to be GRATEFUL, SELF-LOVING, HAPPY, CONTENT, LOVED, FOODGUILT-FREE. I want to NOT have such a cynical and bitter outlook on life.

I don't want to skydive anymore. I'm afraid the instant we jump out of the plane we shall land on the ground, because I'm so massive the gravity and momentum or velocity or whatever the fuck happens with the physics causes us to plummet down to the earth at 1123948572398723592759287592357 miles per second. And create the largest crater, a crater that destroys a 1/4 of the world on impact.

Goodbye for a little bit, my best, - my ONLY friends - in this sordid life. I don't know when I'll be back. Maybe tomorrow, in a week, a year, never, I don't know. I need to fix myself. But first I must destroy this parasite on my body. First I must rid myself of this fat, this hindrance to my happiness, this tumour on my life. I will remove this hippo of a person from the REAL me. My name is SKINNY LOVE damnit. I don't want to be a hypocrite.

After I reduce myself to a bag of bones, I will mend my mind.

I love you people so fucking much. I can't type anymore - I'm literally weeping and it's blurring my vision. I love you I love you I love you. How much can I stress that fact? So're all so............


Isabella said...

Oh God, baby. Please be OK. Soon.
Chin up! I know, I hate it when people say it to me, but, now that I think about it, it kind of applies.

Please cheer up. It isn't the end of the world (another strangely appropriate cliche) want another one?
There's always tomorrow.

Put on your most depressing music, watch Titanic, dress in black, paint your toenails black, put on as much eye makeup as possible and draw a dead person (or type Torture Game 3 into Google, it's very interesting).

I swear, surrounding yourself with depression does a world of good. Don't pretend to be happy, don't try and kid yourself. Just tell yourself you'll do better TOMORROW.

Love you, talk to me. Feel better.

Isabella said...

And so, Skinny Love, can you see that I love you? And also Bon Iver? So! Don't NECESSARILY cheer up, but do realise that it's ALLGOINGTOBEOK. Ok?

Isabella said...

THAT'S TWO COMMENTS! This's three! God woman, why can't you be as obsessed as me? Or maybe you're doing the things I suggested, and that's why you can't accept my comments. But I still think... golly molly woman! ;) (sorry if winky faces annoy you, especially when you're unhappy)

Lost and Learning said...

You probably wont read this until you come back but good luck with your journey. You sound like you really need a break from life in general to give you time to focus on you, who you are, who you are becoming and who you want to be.

Journeys never end in life, they are a constant thing we must follow, alter, and venture off from but in the end we are always on some kind of journey and I wish you all the best with yours.

I hope you come back happy love.
I will seriously miss you terribly

Anonymous said...

We will be all waiting for you. I hope that you can find the self-acceptance and happiness..

You're so right, no one of use deserves this shitty life that revolves around food and weight. But it just seems too late to escape from it

Take care and enjoy life, you deserve it.

heebeejebus! said...

Oh honey. : ( I'm sorry you've been having such a bad time. But there will be many good days to come! You'll get back on track soon, and all of the guilt and worrying you put into your food consumption will feel worth it.

But when you're feeling bad, jut remember that we're all going through the same thing and we know how you feel. HUGSSS.

SBB said...

I'm speechless... I feel the same way so often. Take care of yourself.

Flushed said...

((((((((HUG~N~MUCH LUV))))))))))))

Feel Better Skinny Love. We <3 u and don't want you to go away. Only want the best of life and happiness for you. If ranting & raving via vblog makes you feel better BY ALL MEANS DO IT!!

((((((((HUG~N~MUCH LUV))))))))))))

Aspartame Freak said...


Frenzy said...

i just wanted to say that i completely understand everything you said, how every single thought revolves around food, and how even when you know youve eaten hardly nothing for the day, all you can think about is that extra 50 calories you had etc. just stay strong and do whatever you can to be happy. you really have been an inspiration to me and i know to many otehr girls as well. hang in there!

E. said...

I'm sorry you've felt so shit. I understand everything you've mentioned in this blog, and I totally empathise. I hope you feel even a little better soon x

Anonymous said...

this post definitely made me cry. i identify with everything you said. i want freedom from this mess too. but it never works. sigh. sorry for not being helpful in my comment.

kk said...

oh my goodness i am absolutely speechless after reading your post. i think i am so affected and touched by it that i am past the point of crying. silent tears. wow what a bullshit line, but really, amazing amazing post. wow. i'm going to go read it again.

i'm really glad you're back. i can't wait to get to know you better and support you.
lots of love, kk