Sunday, 1 March 2009

you are so much better than I am

I drowned, multiple times, in a pool of self-pity this past weekend. I've gained eight GODDAMN FUCKING pounds since Friday. 2.6 pounds per day. What the fuck.
I'm so ashamed, but I want to be honest and get it off my chest. So I'll tell you.

I worked all day yesterday. I began the day excited, thinking since I wasn't around my mum, I could restrict. Breakfast came and went, and while I did gaze at the hashbrowns I was able to not eat them. Then lunch rolled around, and I thought, "hey, why don't I try out chewing & swallowing?"
So I grabbed a roll, a slice of veggie pizza, a chicken strip, and a cookie, and I hid in the restroom. I spent the next ten minutes in there, c&s as fast as I could so as not to be missed. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to chew but not swallow. I had to gag and cough a few times to make sure I didn't swallow anything, and after each food item I rinsed my mouth out with water. By the time I was finished my jaws were rigid and it hurt to move them. But I felt good. I was able to taste the food, without worry of calories or things filling up my belly. Until dinner. We had I ate a burger patty with a whole plate of fries. And an ice cream sandwich and a plate of frozen fruit with vanilla yogurt.
When I got home I ate two brownies, a cup of rice, ice cream, cereal, and celery with peanut butter and raisins.
I went to go weigh myself and the fucking number was 134. ONE-THIRTY-FUCKING-FOUR. HOW the FUCK could I allow myself to gain 8 pounds in two days? I didn't even attempt to purge anything. Instead I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. Fucking pathetic weak bitch.

Today (at work) I ate six cinnamon rolls, two cookies, three brownies, two hashbrown patties, a mushroom fajita, an orange, soup, and rice. This binge wasn't as bad as the M.A.B.Y. (most awful binge yet) on Friday night, but it was still terrible. Who eats SIX fucking cinnamon rolls? Not even a 400 pound person. I tried multiple times to purge it, but the only thing that came up was acid. Burning, tooth-decaying gastric acid. My co-worker "L" (who is quite large), jokingly asked me about the six cinnamon rolls. I just laughed it off and told her "they were just so damn delicious!" She totally bought it, and later on when I was pretend-acting hyper, she knowingly blamed it on the "sugar-rush rolls". Whatever. As long as nobody suspects anything.

On my way home in the car I turned on some opera at almost full volume and screamed, and I really mean screamed, at the top of my lungs until it felt as though my throat was in shreds. It didn't solve anything.
When I got home I ate three brownies. I once again tried to purge, but only acid came up. I was so fucking pissed. Why is it always SO HARD for me to purge? What am I doing wrong? I became so frustrated and when I went back to my room I stood in front of my full-length mirror and pinched and pulled and beat at my fat and cried again.
We had a guest over for dinner, and for some reason when I sat down and saw my plate, I lost my appetite. Why I couldn't "lose my appetite" before my M.A.B.Y. and the preceding binges confounds me. I just stared at my plate and mashed my food up with my fork, and I also put the majority of it on my little brother's plate. No one noticed. When they did talk to me however, I ate a few pieces of a carrot. Then I went upstairs and did homework and the leg exercises that aren't producing any goddamn results.

I also realize I was supposed to only eat raw today. I'm not even sorry. A gargantuan weak obese bitch who can't even control her own goddamn eating is fucking worthless, undeserving of anything.

Other thoughts -
I probably became like this because I have no life. Literally. The only thing I do, day in and day out - School, work, read, read, read, computer, computer, computer. I spend about five hours on the computer everyday. And I'm lonely.

I have friends, yes, but I moved away from my city 2 1/2 years ago to a small town almost an hour away. I've slowly drifted apart from my old friends -even one of my best friends- and now the only one I see from time to time is my best friend R (I'll talk more about her later).
At my new school I'm quiet but I'm not a loner, and I did make some amazing friends. We're all close and completely comfortable around each other. They are the most wonderful friends I could ask for. However, we're all so occupied with our future (college mostly), that we NEVER spend time together out of school. The only time we all got together was for our junior prom.
So that leaves me with no one to talk to.
And did I mention I've never even had a boyfriend? It's because I'm so shy and timid and sometimes I'm so fucking lonely I just don't care. Sometimes I like to feel morose and listen to sad music and look at sad pictures of emaciated dead people. I enjoy crying. I'm not trying to be a twisted, depressed freak.
What I'm trying to say is I have ample time to think, and I began to think about food, and fat, and blah blah blah and now here I am, with a fucked-up perception of myself, chilling out in my self-deprecating, melancholy mood.

But anyway.
I need to be placed in a cement cell for two weeks with nothing, not even water. I don't even deserve to eat my own shit.

I apologize for the obscenities. They are not powerful enough to convey my emotions.

p.s. - I also changed my profile picture to something more accurate and colourful


Ana said...

Oh wow p *hug* that's a bad day, yes. But I don't think you can gain that much that quickly. Maybe your scale is weird, or you've gained water weight. Most of that will probably work it's way out of your body. Even if you've gained some weight, that just serves as further motivation to lose, and you'll be all the more ecstatic when you get it all off. Don't give up, you can do this :-)

Anonymous said...

All that weight couldn't possibly be pure fat, it must be part water and part...well, poop. Sorry to be gross. If you'd like some unsolicited advice, water water water with lemon, some laxies if you're into that, and a day of fasting for good measure.

You'll be ok! I'm sorry you feel lonely, I do too sometimes but blogging helps right? Getting feedback on your thoughts. Hugs dear, hope you feel better soon.