Tuesday, 10 March 2009

I cannot lie to you

I would like to tell you that I had only two apples and 1/2 cup of sliced peaches/watermelon today.
I would also like to tell you that I did not eat two Klondike Krunch ice cream bars, 2 cups of rice, peanut butter crackers, and three slices of french bread.

I had all of it. All 1,468 calories of it. HOW.THE.FUCK.DO.I.MANAGE.TO.EAT.SO.FUCKING.MUCH.

Do I have binge-eating disorder?
Compulsive over-eating?
Lusting-for-fat disorder??

WHERE did the control I had when I only ate two stalks of celery all day go?
Why the fuck am I eating thousands of calories?

I am fully aware of what I'm doing to my body.
So why the fuck can't I just......stop?

Should I say that I will eat nothing tomorrow? I don't enjoy breaking promises.
I want people to see me as someone who is in control, knows when to stop.
Not as a weak, worthless, promise-breaking fat hog.

I will not be beautiful over spring break.
The slim French and Brits will point and laugh "look at the obese American!", and I will eat more and more and more...

because if I'm already fat, why does it matter?


Anonymous said...

Bummer. :( Everyone has those days, the worst.

Ana said...

I know that feeling...I think we all do sometimes.
Don't get discouraged.
You can regain control
You're probably just stressed