Monday, 9 March 2009

second day screw-up

Back down to 127 again...for today at least.

Way to go girl! You binged AND purged today! You thought you were so in control and strong, but apparently not! You just couldn't stay away from the cake, cookies, and steak, could you? Maybe you thought you could burn off the chicken, mac & cheese, and bread. Or maybe you just don't give a fucking damn about losing weight and actually sticking to a goal you swore up and down to meet. Wasn't this supposed to be a raw food only week? Weren't you supposed to eat under 300 calories? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LOSING WEIGHT.
It obviously doesn't matter that you have 5 research projects due by Friday, or that you have to work everyday. You seem to be more interested in stuffing yourself. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TIME FOR FOOD. You should be finishing all the work that needs to be done, instead of wasting your time eating.

I've failed, once again.
I went to the dermatologist this morning with my mum. That stuff on my fingers I had talked about is something called perniosis. I also had low blood pressure; is that related to lack of food? The nurse commented that my blood pressure was "a little on the low side", but mum said she'd always had low blood pressure.

On our way back from the doctor's, my mum decided she was dying for fries, so we went to McDonald's. She asked me if I wanted anything, and I asked for a fruit salad (some apple/walnut thing). It was a little over $2 so mum refused. She's very stingy. So I didn't order anything. she got a McDouble and small fries (from the dollar menu).
Now, I detest McDonald's burgers. Unless you buy a burger that isn't on the dollar menu (mum's stinginess has rubbed off on me), the only thing on there is meat, cheese, ketchup, pickles, and diced onion. I refuse to eat a burger if it doesn't have mustard, tomatoes, or lettuce. A burger is not a burger if there is no lettuce!
So anyway, everytime mum chomped down on her burger, I felt like snatching it from her and shoving it in my mouth, along with the fries. I forced myself to look out the window so mum wouldn't see me drooling at the disgusting food.

At lunch today, I sat for a few minutes watching everyone eat. Against all my better judgment I got up and bought myself lunch.

  • chicken patty w/ mustard - 180
  • 3 snickerdoodle cookies - 270
  • 1/2 cup alfredo macaroni - 140

I was incredulous, and the rest of the (school)day the image of food emanating fat in my stomach was the only thing running through my mind.

At work -

  • chicken fried steak - 280
  • 2 bread rolls - 206
  • 2 slices chocolate cake - 540
  • 4 slices of frozen peaches - 13

Total - 1,679
It seems to be alot of food (which it was, actually), but it was more of a calorie-binge than anything. I didn't stuff myself until my stomach exploded.

However, I purged a little when I got in the shower. I got very little out and I got a sharp pain in my throat so I stopped.

After that I jogged for eight minutes and did my usual legs/arms/abs.

I fucking hate myself.


Jenna said...

I feel your pain today, SkinnyLove. My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

That is very odd that your mom wouldn't let you get the (only) healthy option at McDonald's, just 'cuz it's a tiny bit more money. Sounds like a rough day, sorry dear.