Tuesday, 10 February 2009

a little information

5 feet 3 inches and 129 FAT pounds.

For the past month I have been (unsuccessfully) attempting to lose weight. I cannot stress how difficult it is for me to refrain from eating.

Because of my love for food, I tried bingeing and purging. I did it three times, and I swear I will never EVER do it again. I despise throwing up. It is so damaging and just plain disgusting (like my eating habits). It was hard to quit, even after a mere three times. However, I realised my salivary glands were swollen (even after a week they remain swollen), and the acid would eventually destroy my teeth. I did love stuffing myself with food...how satisfying to eat so much! But it also took me quite some time to actually purge; for some reason the food didn't want to leave my painfully stretched stomach. Anyway - I decided bingeing and purging was too much work, with unsavoury side effects and it gave me a sense of helplessness.

After that, for a couple days I was able to only eat about 150 calories. That led to an (inevitable) binge (but not purge! never again). My mum just makes some damn good food.

I haven't eaten lunch in two months, and my breakfast usually is a banana or half an apple. I'm able to refrain from food during the day more easily because I'm at school (high school - I purposely don't put money in my lunch account, so I can't buy food!); it's at home that I break down. My kitchen is a free-for-all. If you want it, you can eat it. Sometimes I wish my family was dirt poor, so that we wouldn't be able to buy food. I have four family members that I live with (we are a slim family - with the exception of myself), but we spend about $200 a month on groceries.

My 13-year-old brother is 5'7, 116 lbs, and eats whatever the hell he wants. (I understand this is his phenomenal teenage-boy metabolism). On a daily basis he eats three bowls of cereal, loads of junk food, ice cream, dinner, etc. One day he even ate three whole bags of popcorn (his weight didn't change). What I wouldn't give for that sort of body. All his bones show. I envy him, I envy him, I envy him.

Anyway - it's very easy for my body to lose weight. It's just not easy for me to control my eating.
If there isn't some religious obligation or something, I don't have any control. When I fasted for the month of Ramadan, I lost 7 pounds. Because I knew that I had to fast, I didn't eat. Not the case now.

HOWEVER. I am so completely disgusted with myself. Each time I tell myself "you won't eat but 300 calories today", yet I end up bingeing. This will not happen any longer. I WILL control myself and my unnecessary cravings.

This fat body WILL be beautiful and thin.

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