Tuesday, 5 January 2010

I thought I was going to begin 2010 as a skinny bitch.

Instead I've literally been eating myself to death. The first week of the new year has been filled with nothing but eating, by the hour, every hour.

And so many things have happened during my months of uncalled for absence from here.
I had a duty to blog, a duty to keep in touch with the only beings on this planet who understand.
And yet I failed to do even that, as I've failed to keep my promises of abstaining from food.

If I am such a failure in the eating aspect of my life, what will that mean for the rest of my life?
Will I fail at everything else as well?
If I don't have the strength to refrain from such a basic fucking thing, how will I ever have the strength for other things? What the fuck? What. the. FUCK?

I don't even know how much I fucking weigh. It could be 160 lbs for all I know.

I've ceased to live, ceased to exist. My body is merely a machine, functioning only on the actions of eating and shitting.
I feel nothing; my body is hollow but for the food falsely filling it.
I have forfeited my right of life in return for the false, momentary satisfaction of chewandswallow.

It's a disgusting feeling, going to a club and knowing that the man you are dancing with can feel your every lump, your every roll, your every cellulite ridge.
Even the beautiful influence of Ecstasy and weed can't overpower that knowledge.
(If you find yourself about to take Salvia, Shrooms, Acid, or any other hallucinogen, prepare yourself for [even more than already] exacerbated ED problems.)

I have not exercised.
I have not fasted.
I have not felt hunger.

I have lazed.
I have feasted.
I have felt and seen my stomach bulge out further than my breasts (mind you, my breasts are only a 36B..not large at all).

Every waking moment the skeleton in my body has attempted to claw itself out of its obese prison.
And every waking moment a new layer of lard has been added, further trapping the skeleton.

This skeleton is livid, is enraged, is hurt beyond any describable words or thoughts.

This skeleton is swiftly becoming obsolete. But this skeleton will never surrender.
This skeleton is going to annihilate every last iota of fat that ever existed in Skinny Love's body.

This motherfucking skeleton is back. With a motherfucking bang.


SophiaRuins said...

This post made my eyes water.
Its EXACTLY how I feel.

Its like I dont take the time to write competent posts even though I know that the only people that understand me are here.

You'll get there hun. Someday, youll get there I promise.

XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Anonymous said...

yay! I'm so glad you're back. Best of luck to you. I'll be following.

PrettyWreck said...

It will get free.

I'm glad to see you back. The drugs aren't good and worry me, but I understand the urge. We all go out of control, and when we do, it's not a normal out of control. It's a complete plummet.

♥ I missed you, and actually was thinking about you the other day.
Glad to have you back, bb. ♥

(also, sorry if thsi went through more than once. Interwebs is hating me right now)

Africana said...

That was one powerful return post. Damn.

Welcome back!!

Pick yourself, dust yourself off and get back in there. I disappeared last summer and basically ate myself stupid. Coming back to the blogs was the best thing I could have done. I haven't been perfect but at least I can share with people who actually understand me.

You were missed.

Now, let's get skinny in 2010!


embre said...

everyone falls down, thats why we are here to try and pick you back up again. dont worry about the fact that this new year didnt go exactly as planned. what matters is that your strong enough to get up , wipe yourself off, and try again. you CAN do this. it may take a few months to get to your goal weight but it will be worth it! you deserve to love your body. trust me ive been through exactly what your going through right now, i know it sucks to feel like youve failed, but as long as you refocus and continue then you havent failed. take one day at a time. its a long journey but i promise it is worth the pain your going through right now.
hang in there

Skinny_in_a_fatty said...

Just found your blog! You've put my thought into your words! I thought I would be skinny by now too but alas! You're my height as well which is nice as everyone seems to be the lovely side of tall! Look forward to getting skiiny with you!
Much love

If Life Gives You Lemons, Don't Eat Them -- NRC said...

I love your blog and I am offically following! I've been binging since 2010 too! But it's time for us to get back on track!