this will be a part of the summer challenge 2009 for me

So after last night's destroying of my captors and the enlightenment of sorts, I'm redefining my life. Beginning now.

I don't know if I've ever talked about my religion...I know I've mentioned that I'm half Afghan (and if you guys know, probably 100% of Afghans are Muslim). So yeah, I'm Muslim. Perhaps one day when I'm bored I'll explain my entire religious upbringing, yeah?

The reason I bring up this point is because Muslims have something called Ramadan, which is about a month-long period of fasting (usually during the autumn season). Anyway, we eat before the sun rises and break our fast after it sets. The fasting period usually lasts about 13-15 hours. We refrain from food, drink, and profanities, among other things.

Anyway, I've been fasting during Ramadan for about 5 years now (it becomes obligatory for Muslim kids when they turn 13). Last year (I think Ramadan was last October, before I ever even thought about ed's), I lost 7 pounds in about three weeks. Which of course seems trivial to even me right now...but it was quite a feat for someone who wasn't intending on losing weight.

The way I lost it - I had to get up at 4:45 a.m. each morning to eat. I usually had about a measuring cupful of leftover dinner and 16 ounces of water, because I didn't want to starve during the day...although I had to force the food down because for some reason I was never hungry in the morning. Then I'd go to school, do my thang, come home, wait until 8 p.m. after the sun was fully set, and I'd break my fast with a glass of chocolate milk (which I hate, so I've no idea why I craved that). Since I had gone about 14 hours without food, my stomach was tiny and the milk was enough to fill me up. So I'd eat only 1/2 cup of whatever food my mum had cooked.

And that is how I unintentionally lost 7 pounds.
And that is precisely what I am about to begin. Fasting, Muslim-style.
Since it's for a religious reason (actually, you know I'm really doing this to lose weight/control myself), I'll actually keep up with it, because I don't want to defy my religion and God.

So for tomorrow, my alarms are set at 4:45 a.m. I'm going to eat 1/4 cup of honey nut cheerios, with either 1/2 a banana or 5 raspberries. And then I will wait until 8 p.m. (or actually, when the sun sets, since it's summer time now, and I may need to adjust my times), and I will either eat an orange/pear/apple or I will take four medium bites of whatever food there is.
This will be a wonderful thing, because tomorrow I have to work. However since I'll be on a RELIGIOUS fast, I won't eat anything! Hurrah!

I realise this plan is a bit dishonest. I'm basically using my religion for weight loss. I feel horrible that this is what I have resorted to.

Anyway, today I was 138 pounds. A most despicable number, which shall be eliminated as soon as my fasting gets situated.

I feel wonderful. (And the awesome support you guys give helps! )

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict (I'm always tempted to write "Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle" lol)

Alright, so far into the challenge I haven't been...challenging myself. For the past three days I've had around 1200 calories (each day). And you know why? Those damndamndamn peanut butter crackers.

I had a nightmare about them last night. A true nightmare. I don't recall what happened exactly, but I do remember eating at least 20 packages, which for some reason led to the deaths of some very dear people. I wasn't sure how to interpret it.

So today, there were six packages of the pbc's left (they're in this large glass jar that sits on the kitchen countertop, in plain sight).
I shamefully admit that I ate three (540 calories ohfuck).
Then, I took margeurite's (thank you!) suggestion to destroy them, and so I smashed them up and flushed them down the toilet.
Why it never occured to me to destroy them before, I've no idea (maybe because I didn't want to throw away perfectly fine food. Food is money). I felt only a little remorse for flushing them; one, because I was flushing down food that I craved every minute, and two, because I was wasting food.
After I flushed them I went back to the kitchen to read for a little while. My mum came into the kitchen and said sadly that she couldn't believe all the pbc's were gone. I said nothing, But then I begged her never to buy them again. She looked at me sort of incredulously said "I practically LIVE on those things!". HAH. HAH. HAH. So I fixed her with a stare, and begged her once again to never buy them. She "pfft" when I asked her to by all means continue buying them, but hide them somewhere I couldn't get a hold of them. Some mum.

Sometimes I hate my mother, but mostly because of her slim body.

But I'm so relieved and happy that I did what I did. It was sort of a defining moment, flushing them down the toilet, watching the crumbs swirl around and then finally get sucked into the hole. I only wish I had flushed the three packages that I had eaten prior to my moment.

I also binged and purged. I know it was a stupid, weak, cowardly thing to do, but I did it. And sticking my fingers down my throat after not having done it for a while...it felt good. I don't mean the actual sticking-fingers-down-throat thing, but just...I don't know.
But immediately after my binge the scale told me I was 142. When I saw/see this number my insides scream in agony and frustration.
And yet, for some reason I feel nothing on the outside (emotion-wise). I haven't cried since I weighed 129, ten pounds and two months ago. And I see my self, allow myself to become this gluttonous pig with the double chin and triple-tummy-tires.
After my purge, I was at 139. It was the largest purge I've ever done.

But I feel different today. After the crackers and the purge, I feel as though I do in fact have control. Because don't I control whether or not I purge, whether or not I brush my teeth, whether or not I read a book? I have control over my ENTIRE life; there are just a few things I need to exercise greater control over, such as the greatest problem in my life - food.

Anyway, I exercised for the first time in two weeks. That felt good as well. (Maybe I'm having an epiphany? Everything felt good today...)

All I know is that I can fucking do this. I WILL lose 40 pounds, and, who knows - maybe more?
I'm falling asleep and so I'll talk to the most wonderful-friends (you girls on blogger) tomorrow.
But I just wanted to thank you guys for your helpful stuff and motivation! (Although I'm lonely already) I don't knnow how I would have handled this time in my life.
Thank you. :D

Summer Challenge 2009

Hey look, I'm my very own reverse thinspo! GAG

(sorry about the bad quality/editing. Click on them to enlarge. Embarassing though they may be, I want everyone to know that this is what I look like at the beginning of the challenge.) I also hope you guys put photos of yourselves up as well...I don't want to be the only one!

I'm beginning the challenge at last (finally have time!)
However, I'm going to put my height in here as well, because of the bmi.

Age: 18
Height: 5'3

Current Weight: 137
Goal Weight Loss: 37-40 pounds

Personal Goal: To end my addiction to peanut butter crackers; to cease relying on purging as a means of justifying my binges.

Biggest Challenges: Listening to myself; controlling binges; finding motivation/willpower to restrict

Anything else you want to add: I am tired of allowing slip-ups and I want everyone to see that I have control over my life.

Question For Week #1

HOLY SHIT! YOU CAUGHT A LEPRECHAUN!

Instead of gold, he gives you a choice. You can either:

A) Be forever the weight of your dreams, and never have to worry about gaining a pound.

or

B) Be the richest person in the world, and your money will never run out.

What do you choose?

I think I choose B. Being the weight of my dreams forever seems tempting, but then I'd be stuck that way...forever. Having an infinite amount of money would allow me to hire personal trainers and exotic trips to live with fasting monks in Tibet. Ya dig? I wouldn't waste my money to buy myself feasts. Most certainly.

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict pleasepleasepleaseplease

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I'm sitting in my room trying EXTREMELY hard not to get out of my chair. Because I haven't had my daily peanut butter crackers yet and I swear I am about to die. I firmly believe that I am addicted to them (actually, my "firm belief" may be the cause of my "addiction". If I didn't believe that I was addicted, then maybe I wouldn't be addicted). Anyway, I am on the verge of tears. Pathetic, I know.
I want to eat them so bad I can hardly breathe, seriously. But I refuse to eat them. I have to. Because if I'm able to refrain from eating them, it will be my "hallelujah" moment.
Must. brush. teeth. NOW.