Thursday, 14 May 2009

Alright, so far into the challenge I haven't been...challenging myself. For the past three days I've had around 1200 calories (each day). And you know why? Those damndamndamn peanut butter crackers.

I had a nightmare about them last night. A true nightmare. I don't recall what happened exactly, but I do remember eating at least 20 packages, which for some reason led to the deaths of some very dear people. I wasn't sure how to interpret it.

So today, there were six packages of the pbc's left (they're in this large glass jar that sits on the kitchen countertop, in plain sight).
I shamefully admit that I ate three (540 calories ohfuck).
Then, I took margeurite's (thank you!) suggestion to destroy them, and so I smashed them up and flushed them down the toilet.
Why it never occured to me to destroy them before, I've no idea (maybe because I didn't want to throw away perfectly fine food. Food is money). I felt only a little remorse for flushing them; one, because I was flushing down food that I craved every minute, and two, because I was wasting food.

After I flushed them I went back to the kitchen to read for a little while. My mum came into the kitchen and said sadly that she couldn't believe all the pbc's were gone. I said nothing, But then I begged her never to buy them again. She looked at me sort of incredulously said "I practically LIVE on those things!". HAH. HAH. HAH. So I fixed her with a stare, and begged her once again to never buy them. She "pfft" when I asked her to by all means continue buying them, but hide them somewhere I couldn't get a hold of them. Some mum.

Sometimes I hate my mother, but mostly because of her slim body.

But I'm so relieved and happy that I did what I did. It was sort of a defining moment, flushing them down the toilet, watching the crumbs swirl around and then finally get sucked into the hole. I only wish I had flushed the three packages that I had eaten prior to my moment.

I also binged and purged. I know it was a stupid, weak, cowardly thing to do, but I did it. And sticking my fingers down my throat after not having done it for a felt good. I don't mean the actual sticking-fingers-down-throat thing, but just...I don't know.
But immediately after my binge the scale told me I was 142. When I saw/see this number my insides scream in agony and frustration.
And yet, for some reason I feel nothing on the outside (emotion-wise). I haven't cried since I weighed 129, ten pounds and two months ago. And I see my self, allow myself to become this gluttonous pig with the double chin and triple-tummy-tires.
After my purge, I was at 139. It was the largest purge I've ever done.

But I feel different today. After the crackers and the purge, I feel as though I do in fact have control. Because don't I control whether or not I purge, whether or not I brush my teeth, whether or not I read a book? I have control over my ENTIRE life; there are just a few things I need to exercise greater control over, such as the greatest problem in my life - food.

Anyway, I exercised for the first time in two weeks. That felt good as well. (Maybe I'm having an epiphany? Everything felt good today...)

All I know is that I can fucking do this. I WILL lose 40 pounds, and, who knows - maybe more?
I'm falling asleep and so I'll talk to the most wonderful-friends (you girls on blogger) tomorrow.
But I just wanted to thank you guys for your helpful stuff and motivation! (Although I'm lonely already) I don't knnow how I would have handled this time in my life.

Thank you. :D


Ana said...

:) You can do it! This challenge is really motivating, isn't it? I understand the peanut butter cracker thing. They're not such a big deal in my house, but what an amazing pms food.

PrettyWreck said...

All no lonely!

I...well, I purged the other day too. After I wrote in the challenge to keep it under control. It was my first time in a long time, and it was the easiest one I had ever done, but it wasn't so much losing any weight, as it was the feeling of control I have after. Like, now I can get myself in order, you know?

Just keep exercising. Keep pushing. You do have control. You just need to hold on stronger to it.
Stay strong ♥

Africana said...

My weakness is potato chips. I can't even look at them. My boyfriend eats them all of the time and I make him keep them in the basement (where he is constantly playing his video games) so that I can't get to them. I'm sure my fat cells are composed mostly of sour cream and onion Utz (my favorite brand of chips).

I'm glad you are feeling stronger. And I'm sorry you purged. Although I have to say that I too have felt 'good' after a purge. It's weird.

You can do this. Stay strong and remember that you are not alone.

margeurite said...

I'm glad you're feeling positive. And I agree, you totally can lose the weight you want to. You just need to go forth and take control of everything. ::queue theme from Rocky:: Haha..

But really, don't stress too much if you're eating 1200 cals right now. You probably are more used to eating greater amounts, so you need to slowly let your stomach shrink or else, if you try to restrict too much, you'll just get frustrated and insanely hungry, thus putting yourself in danger of bingeing. Slow and steady wins the race.

Remember that feeling of destroying those crackers. That's control.

RRR, doll.