Sunday, 10 May 2009

resolve, determination, and willpower

For Mother's Day I went to Posado's. And I ate half of my gargantuan platter. Because tomorrow this shit stops. I weight 139 pounds this morning.

Can you believe that only a couple months ago, in February, I was FOURTEEN pounds lighter? And now I have reached that terrible point where I'm almost at 140. Only SIX pounds less than my HIGHEST weight.
I see it everywhere, the fat. Love handles and double chin especially. I can hardly fit into my largest pair of jeans (american size 6).

How disgusted with myself am I? So disgusted that it seems as though I've completely wiped away all common sense and I am most blatantly in DENIAL. I see my ever-growing self in the mirror and think nothing of it.

I want my self-hatred to resurface. I want to cry again. I want to be so enraged that I claw at my fat.
Otherwise I fear I shall become increasingly massive and soon find myself on "The Half-ton Woman". I shudder at the thought.

I don't even make eye contact with anyone anymore because of how disgusting I am and how hideous I look.

This fat is coming off. If I had any courage I would slice it all off.

I can feed my lard no longer.

139 lbs. you whore, you're going away and NEVER. COMING. BACK.

I'll be taking on PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge 2009. I'll try to post some photos and info tomorrow.

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict. TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE, SKINNYLOVE (stupid name as I am neither skinny nor do I have love.)

Thank you my marvellous blogger girls. You mean the world to me, whomever you may be. Truly, your support helps me. I don't lie when I say that. You provide consolation for me and I'm grateful. So bloody. grateful.


Bailey said...

Your almost at your highest weight? Can you imagine how your going to feel if you go there again? Be stronger and better and you will get there. Dont let your willpower get away from you

PrettyWreck said...


Just take a deep breath. Remember why you started. It's so hard to get the motivation up again. ♥ I believe in you, bb