Monday, 18 May 2009

my family...hates me...loves me?

I got my damn period today. It just HAD to arrive and ruin my plans.
So what do I do now?
Do I continue my starvation, or do I eat normally while I'm menstruating?
I don't know. Any suggestions?

Because I need to stay hydrated...but that stretches out my stomach and I don't have enough control over my intake yet.

Okay, so do you guys remember my amazing "destroy-pbcrackers" day? And how wonderful I felt afterwards?
Not so anymore.
Mum went to Costco today and bought TWO 40-count boxes of them.
I wanted to die right then and there. My siblings noticed me becoming angry and told mum. I went to another room to calm down, and I heard mum say to my brother "HZ" that it was my "own damn fault that" I "couldn't control" myself when it came to the crackers.

I don't know why, but that hurt. Maybe because it's true? But I wouldn't have as big a problem if she JUST. WOULDN'T. BUY. THE. FUCKING. THINGS.

I came out of the room and she noticed that I was acting a bit pissed off and said, "what, are you angry because of the damn crackers? They're the main staple in my diet, Skinny Love. You're being ridiculous and you need to stop acting like that." Then she went outside to smoke.

I was left in the kitchen with HZ and he told me he understood that I was "addicted" to the peanut butter and I told him no, he did NOT understand. My voice faltered when I said that and so I went upstairs to my room and sobbed in my closet and punched/clawed myself. (I'm pathetic, I know.)

After about ten minutes came out and sat on my bed. My other brother "AJ", who is eight years old, came to tell me goodnight. I asked him to look at me and tell me if he thought I was fat. He said no, but I asked him to make sure and tell the truth. He got tears in his eyes and looked down and said no again. I hugged him and asked him why he was crying (I had begun to cry again too) and he told me it was because I always thought and called myself fat, but he didn't think I was. Oh, my heart broke. I didn't know what to say and so I just kissed him goodnight and told him not to let mum see that he was crying.

We're normally very rude and impatient with one another, but that showed me that he really did love me, if he was brought to tears because I "think I'm fat".
I know I shouldn't, but I'm putting off the second Summer Challenge question for another day, because I'm so drained of any energy from lack of food and I don't want this post to be heinously long.
Welcome new followers <3


TryingShadow said...

This has happened to me time and time over.. getting angry because my mum bought the wrong thing.
It's totally my fault I can't control myself with the stuff - but at the time my anger is just so bad - I end up taking it out on her.. she was just trying her best.

Don't worry love, you'll be ok =)
And if you don't think you are - then that's alright too.


Ana said...

Ooh, that little boy sounds precious <3 Sorry all that was so rough, hun - stay strong. You'll be out of there one day.

Tri Thin said...

I'm sorry honey - hope things start to look up soon, I know what it's like to have your trigger food in your face - good luck!

G. Samsa said...

That really sucks! I've got my foods, too, that I just CANNOT have in the house. Craisins, wierdly enough -- I will eat them ALL. I will eat MULTIPLE BAGS of them. I quite literally have no self-control when it comes to the stupid things.

I know this is probably tough, but maybe if you talk to your mom, tell her you really don't have a lot of self discipline when it comes to the crackers, and could she please hide them somewhere without telling you where they are? She probably won't understand, but she might do it anyway. And then at least you won't have to look at them.

G. Samsa said...

Nevermind! I just read back a bit and found you'd already asked your mom to hide them.

You have my sympathy, and if it's any consolation, know that we probably all have that one food we just can't say no to.

SkinnyBitch said...

Aw, that's so sweet about your little brother.

Kids are the worst when it comes to making or breaking your self-esteem. You know that they'll tell you the truth regardless of whether or not it's "politically correct."