Alright, so far into the challenge I haven't been...challenging myself. For the past three days I've had around 1200 calories (each day). And you know why? Those damndamndamn peanut butter crackers.

I had a nightmare about them last night. A true nightmare. I don't recall what happened exactly, but I do remember eating at least 20 packages, which for some reason led to the deaths of some very dear people. I wasn't sure how to interpret it.

So today, there were six packages of the pbc's left (they're in this large glass jar that sits on the kitchen countertop, in plain sight).
I shamefully admit that I ate three (540 calories ohfuck).
Then, I took margeurite's (thank you!) suggestion to destroy them, and so I smashed them up and flushed them down the toilet.
Why it never occured to me to destroy them before, I've no idea (maybe because I didn't want to throw away perfectly fine food. Food is money). I felt only a little remorse for flushing them; one, because I was flushing down food that I craved every minute, and two, because I was wasting food.
After I flushed them I went back to the kitchen to read for a little while. My mum came into the kitchen and said sadly that she couldn't believe all the pbc's were gone. I said nothing, But then I begged her never to buy them again. She looked at me sort of incredulously said "I practically LIVE on those things!". HAH. HAH. HAH. So I fixed her with a stare, and begged her once again to never buy them. She "pfft" when I asked her to by all means continue buying them, but hide them somewhere I couldn't get a hold of them. Some mum.

Sometimes I hate my mother, but mostly because of her slim body.

But I'm so relieved and happy that I did what I did. It was sort of a defining moment, flushing them down the toilet, watching the crumbs swirl around and then finally get sucked into the hole. I only wish I had flushed the three packages that I had eaten prior to my moment.

I also binged and purged. I know it was a stupid, weak, cowardly thing to do, but I did it. And sticking my fingers down my throat after not having done it for a while...it felt good. I don't mean the actual sticking-fingers-down-throat thing, but just...I don't know.
But immediately after my binge the scale told me I was 142. When I saw/see this number my insides scream in agony and frustration.
And yet, for some reason I feel nothing on the outside (emotion-wise). I haven't cried since I weighed 129, ten pounds and two months ago. And I see my self, allow myself to become this gluttonous pig with the double chin and triple-tummy-tires.
After my purge, I was at 139. It was the largest purge I've ever done.

But I feel different today. After the crackers and the purge, I feel as though I do in fact have control. Because don't I control whether or not I purge, whether or not I brush my teeth, whether or not I read a book? I have control over my ENTIRE life; there are just a few things I need to exercise greater control over, such as the greatest problem in my life - food.

Anyway, I exercised for the first time in two weeks. That felt good as well. (Maybe I'm having an epiphany? Everything felt good today...)

All I know is that I can fucking do this. I WILL lose 40 pounds, and, who knows - maybe more?
I'm falling asleep and so I'll talk to the most wonderful-friends (you girls on blogger) tomorrow.
But I just wanted to thank you guys for your helpful stuff and motivation! (Although I'm lonely already) I don't knnow how I would have handled this time in my life.
Thank you. :D