anticipation and motivation

Next Sunday I leave for a week to London and Paris! I'm terribly excited and jittery!
So my plan to prepare myself (physically) is-

• (Since I didn't stick to it this week) eat ONLY raw fruit and vegetables
• Any sort of workout for at LEAST 3o minutes EVERY day
• Try not to go over 200 calories each day (even though it's all raw)

I want to look good for all the beautiful Brits and French people!

I've also got my senior prom in the beginning of April, so I need to lose the fat.

Today instead of dinner, I ate lunch. I will NEVER do that again...even though I ate only a little, my stomach hurt.

I haven't weighed myself in a while...

Okay. This may seem disgusting but I wanted to write it down. And I'm certain the majority of my blog readers are female, so this is nothing you don't know! However, if you don't even want to find out what I'm about to say, just quickly exit out...

I've been on my period this week (I'm obviously not restricting enough if I'm still getting it). Since my first period ever, the first two days are absolute torture. I get a pain in my uterus that isn't so much cramps as it is a feeling of someone pulling and twisting it. Anyway, during those first two days, my flow is very heavy, and I get the horrible pains. I probably have a medium-low tolerance for pain, but I don't like to complain, so people get the impression that I've got a high tolerance (so occasionally if I become sick, people don't believe me because I don't whine, and they think I must be okay). Anyway, yesterday after the horrible dinner I went home and was hit with the absolute WORST pain I've ever experienced in that area. It hurt so bad I couldn't even walk, so I just sat for a few minutes tapping my fingers really hard on the table (that seems to help distract me). Finally I got up and got a hot water bottle and put it on my abdomen (which usually reduces most of the pain, but not this time). I was able to get to the bathroom after a few minutes of clenching my teeth and drumming my fingers. What came out was disgusting. Huge, long chunks of bloody lining. No wonder my abdomen hurt so bad! So I dragged myself to bed at 10:30 while clutching the hot water bottle to my stomach, and I fell asleep.

I wonder if I've got Endometriosis?

I think perhaps it was some sort of punishment for me eating so much.

Then this weekend I have to work again (shit, I have to CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL myself...I don't want a recurring work binge).

I found a coupon for a Baskin Robbins Snickers Sundae. OH MY GOD it looked to die for. It's a buy 1 get 1 free deal, so I told my mom we'd go out and get them on Sunday. She laughed and said that we wouldn't be able to eat anything else that day, and she is sooooooo correct. I looked at the nutritional information and almost died. But I want that damn Sundae so terribly. So I will have to fast until then, which will be hard, but the amount of deadly shit that thing has in it is ludicrous.

Look at the DEATHSUNDAE.

I sometimes find myself contemplated this eating mess I've gotten into. It's just....strange....how drastically my eating habits have changed. I look back and am baffled that I actually used to eat THREE meals a day, plus snacks in between. How could I have possibly fit so much food in my stomach?? And how could I (and most normal eaters) just pop something in my mouth with complete disregard to the nutritional value? I never used to look at how many calories, fat, cholesterol, etc. was in food. Most normal eaters don't, and if they do they think nothing of it.

And I really became the way I am now because of reading nutrition labels, for lack of anything else to read while eating. Then I began to think about it, and blah blah blah the rest is history. But I am completely obsessed with nutrition labels. I dig them out of rubbish bins just so I can see how many calories the food has, even if I'm not the one eating..... But anyway, as I said, it just baffles me how people can eat without ever thinking about what they're doing.

I apologize for such a random post but I have a plethora of thoughts running through my mind.

stay in control ladies!