Have I reached the dreaded "p" word?

Plateau.
137 for FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Please please PLEASE don't let this be a plateau. I need to lose weight CONSTANTLY.
With this week's liquid diet of 399-300 calories, I should lose a substantial amount of weight, and not plateau again. I HOPE. I've also bought a jump rope (or skipping rope), yay!

I'm going skydiving on Sunday!!!!!! I've finally mustered up enough courage. My mum has been skydiving for a year now, and she always tries to get me to go, and I adamantly refuse. I don't do heights, dude. I hate that flippy feeling you get in your stomach when you're on a massive rollercoaster, going down. That's actually the only thing I fear if I go skydiving...which is silly.
Anyway, mum is so small she has to wear a TWENTY pound weight belt when she skydives! WTF. >:[

I'm too lazy to post any photos on this post, but I'll make sure to tomorrow.

Love you all to death♥

I wish I could eat my homework

Can I drop out of uni already? Please?


I'm back from my dad's. I immediately weighed myself when I came back, and to my relief, I'm still at 137.


Meal plan for today -
Banana - 120
1 cup orange juice - 110
1 cup cran-raspberry juice - 140
1 cup V8 - 50
Total - 421
With excersize I'll bring the total amount to the 300's. And then hopefully by Friday 134 at the MOST.


Blegh - weekly fatty photo time!

A BIG FAT DELETE

*Note - all of these are from a period of two years ago to the present, thus explaining the different styles of my hair, and any visible weight differences!

And you know, I have no clue why I'm even uploading photos of myself every week...? I've turned my blog into a vain-look-at-me-I've-just-post-photos-of-my-face blog. Perhaps I'm feeling just a bit happier each day as I lose more weight, and I'm going easy on myself and my self-loathing.....HAH.

What I really want to post photos of are my friends and family...but I won't evereverever do that.

Anyway....I'll leave these up until tonight. Happy fatty viewing!

...

I got away with eating only a banana for startfast, and I convinced LJ to eat only a banana as well. But my stomach really felt as though it were being ripped apart from too much food, ugh.

Thank God tomorrow I'm going back home....although I fear last night's over-eating may have caused me to either gain, or not lose. EEEEEEEEKK. But it'll be back to my normal Ramadan schedule. And hopefully by the end of next week I'll be around 133-131.

I think I may do liquids-only for this coming week. Well, for breakfast. In the morning's I'll eat some sort of fruit, and then at night it'll be 1/2 each of chocolate soymilk, orange juice, V8, and then all the water I want.

135, I think
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Look at that fuckin' stomach bulge(s).
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P.S. - I have the sudden urge to binge. Fortunately for me there is absolutely NOTHING worth bingeing on here at my dad's, because he is a health freak and doesn't believe in junk food. THANK YOU :]

I'm as big as the Eiffel Tower.

At my dad's.

Me - "Can I eat just a little bit for breakfast, and then get more if I'm still hungry?"
LJ (dad's wife) - "No, you've been fasting all day! You need to eat, aren't you hungry?"
Me - *in my head* FUCK NO I'M NOT HUNGRY IF I EAT MORE THAN A CUP OF FOOD MY STOMACH WILL BURST AND SPEW IT'S CONTENTS EVERYWHERE AND I WILL DIE FROM OVER-EATING.


No scale. A mountain of food twice a day. Bratty siblings. Loads of college work. AHHHHHHH I hate stress!
"I don't wanna eat today, get this damn food off my plate, let's starve forever cause there's no stress" haha I totally stole that tune from Laurent Wolf.

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Another tourist photo - I look (more) massive in that coat

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Nothing much to say

Except that I love all of you.
And photos -

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Still 138, but tomorrow should be down from that. I just weighed myself and it's 137 :]]
But then I ate some peas... and a gold dusted (!) laughing Buddha-shaped chocolate. BLEH. His obese stomach will cause me to gain back everything tomorrow. But I will keep my attitude positive. I reached my week's goal!

I'm in love with my professorrrrrrrrrr

of Philosophy. It takes all of my self-control not to stare at his handsome face lol.
I'll reply to your comments in a couple hours; I have to go sit with mi familia while they eat dinner.

Today the scale read - 138. Still fat but decreasing every day :]

I was trying to be a hipster ahahaha

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I only like this because of Monet.

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Mum made pecan-walnut-almond brownies. I ate one for breakfast (had a banana for startfast) and it just about murdered my stomach. I feel uncomfortably full and I'm scared that 138 lbs will be higher tomorrow morning :[
Even though I've only had a banana and the brownie I really really really want to purge this revolting flour-chocolatey pile of shit. But I must resist!

And I need to catch up on your comments! I'm lagging behind, and you guys deserve an ASAP reply♥

139 pounds say what? (still a fatass, however)

My class isn't a dance class. It's a fucking dance APPRECIATION class! wtfwtfwtf >:[
We'll go to the studio occasionally. Not to dance, no, but to do MOVEMENT EXERCISES.
Grrrrrrr. I'm actually looking forward to it because we'll be going to dance concerts/theatres/museums, but where the hell is the dancin' part????? Now I have to exercise at home, bleh.


And I've got Philosophy of Religion (I'm a freshman in college, if that wasn't apparent already lol), which I am ecstatic about because Religions are one of my most favourite things.


When I fast, I'm only hungry at around 8 a.m., then it subsides and doesn't come back for the remainder of the day. However, I am a huge lover/gulper of water, and I usually drink 3 liters a day. Thirst is much more unbearable to me than hunger. If I can't have my daily water, I'm as good as dead lol.


I think I'll begin calling breakfast "startfast", and dinner "breakfast". It makes sense during Ramadan lol.


Alright, I promised a fattyfat photo of me:
Versailles, March 2009 (walking 9 miles a day and eating three meals, no snacks kept me at 130)

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Mango's Vegan Cafe, Houston, July 2009 (I think I look decent for not having slept in 48 hours, yeah?)

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Oooh, you're becoming so bold, Skinny Love. Postin' two photos at once and all.

My "breakfast" (lol you guys will have to remember that I changed the name!) was 1 cup each of orange juice, chocolate soymilk, and V8. I actually couldn't finish an entire cup (liquid is so filling), so I only drank about 3/4 of each one. My total calories were under 380, so I'm doing well.

137 or 136 lbs by Friday?

kawlur boenz

Even after only two days of fasting and 350 calories each day, my collarbones are becoming visible :D

I'm taking a dance class on Tuesdays and Thursdays (actually it's one of my college classes). Soooooo now I can burn loads of calories and have fun, because I love to dance. (Wow, my writing is really rudimentary today, but I'm too lazy for fancy intelligent talk lol).

I can't write too long of a post because I've got friends over, so tomorrow I'll write more and post a photo.

You guys are the best :]]]]

Delicious reverse thinspo starring yours truly

You think I'm pretty? Think again. Have you ever seen the version of The Cat in the Hat with Mike Myers? And Alec Baldwin is the slick, handsome beau? And then when he goes home he becomes a disgusting, obese creep who wears a corset to disguise his massive gut? That's ME (not in the creepy way). I may not appear big, but my clothes posess awesome powers of concealment.

So let your disgust be known. I want you to tell me how disgusting and horrid my FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT body is, please please please! Make me hate myself even more so that I work even harder to reach my goal. I say this in all seriousness. LOOK. AT. ME. I am a humpback whale. I am the WALRUS, KOOKOO KACHOO.

These Diesels (the smallest ones) are the ones I want to wear the most.

Do you enjoy my stretchmarks and lovehandles?

I'm expecting my food baby to miscarry very soon.

These are my mum's jeans. While I can't even pull them over my walrus-ass, they're BAGGY on her. I intend to wear these, oh yes. I WILL fit into these deezinah geenz if it kills me.

I'm fat! Oh golly gee wiz I'm so fat! FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT!!!

----EDIT----
I deleted my fattybody photos. You shall suffer no longer, my friends!

Headshots

So I've come up with something. I think every day of the week I will post a photo of myself, then take it down the next day. Then at the end of the week, or rather Sunday, I'll put all of that week's photos together in one post, then take them down that night (Sunday night), and then on Monday begin a new week of a photo-a-day...
I'm doing this because I wanted to make myself a bit more identifiable on here...although I appreciate everyone who contains themself to just words sans photos. And also this way, no one will miss a photo, because they'll be here altogether all day Sunday.


A sidenote - as much as I despise myself and my body, I am quite vain and I think I'm photogenic. However, most photos of me are taken by ME. I never look good when photographed by others...really. I think I just know what my best angles are and I don't feel self-conscious taking a million photos of my face when I'm the one taking them...

So here they are
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  plus an extra:
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(This one is from February, when I was 125)
I don't really smile in my photos (because I'm always smiling in person lol). My expression is usually the same too lol, and I also take mostly headshots. So I think next week I'll post photos of me smiling, and photos of where my fatfatfat body is included.
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The fasting is going swimmingly - I had a cup of chocolate soymilk and 1/2 cup of applayysauce. I'm lightheaded and my brain is throbbing and I feel happyyyyyyy :]]]]]
Oh and I put new songs on my playlist, so no more annoying Evanescence everytime you visit my page lolllll

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Broke my fast at sunset - I had 1/2 cup of steamed white rice, 1/2 an orange, 1/2 an apple, and loads of water. I AM SO FULL bleh. The rice was unforseen. But, being the Afghan rice-eating machine that I am, I just had to have some. It was extremely difficult to stop at 1/2 a cup.

So I'm full, but not in the shit-I-need-to-purge kind of full. Wait, scratch that. I want to purge everything nownownownow. But I'll restrain myself.

Total caloric intake: 352 (after calories burned from exercise)

fuck being female >:[

 went to sleep at 3:30 this morning, having set my alarm to wake me up an hour later for suhoor (breakfast during Ramadan)...and my alarm DIDN'T go off and instead I woke up at TEN. I jump out of bed, only to find that my fucking PERIOD has started. *&^@#%$@#$!!$@$%$#@@!!$#!@!!!!!!!!!!!

So I missed the FIRST day of Ramadan, AND now my fast won't count for a week because of my period which I now have to deal with and I fucking DESPISE menstruating SO much.

I WANT TO BE SO STARVED THAT I HAVE AMENORRHEA.

I apologise for my rant.

Anywhooooooo
I'm wondering if I should just fast anyway, regardless of the fact that it's not going to be counted. Does starving yourself while menstruating have any adverse effects? By that I mean will my uterus painfully shrivel up? I need help, please!

Hot Chip is one of my favourites ♥ 

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----------------------------------------EDIT-----------------------------------
Oops, I should have explained Ramadan better! Sorry guys.
Okay, so for Muslims, Ramadan is obviously a major part of the religion. There's alot to explain so go HERE and you can read all about it :]


But about it not being counted - fasting becomes obligatory for all Muslims once they reach puberty, so around 13 years of age (and I'm sure it sucks for all those poor girls who begin menstruating at 9).

However there are exceptions to fasting. People who are ill, pregnant, menstruating, even travelling, are exempt from fasting, because it is physically draining and those people need sustenance. Can you dig it?

And then there are things that people may do during the day that will break the fast - sex, swearing, lying, etc. Basically immoral and/or impure things (refraining from sex is just so that the mind isn't occupied with dirty thoughts lol).

And if a person has missed any number of fasting days, they're supposed to make up those days before the end of the year.

So. I've decided to fast during my period - which will be for my benefit. Then when it's done I'll fast for Ramadan.

RAMADAN HAS BEGUN!!

Ramadan officially began this evening !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you can see, I am terribly excited because my wonderful fasting begins tomorrow morning, before sunrise :]
As far as food consumption/fasting goes I plan to:

• wake up at 4:45 a.m.
• drink a glass of chocolate soymilk, a glass of water, and eat an orange
• go back to sleep
• wake up at 8 and do whatever I may do all day long
• wait for the sun to set and drink a glass of V8, glass of water, and MAYBE an apple
• finally feel starved after too many days of bingeing
• wake up for the next month repeating this same eating schedule

In my jolly state this ridiculous plan sounds good, but I'm sure I'll see the utter silliness of it later haha....but I think I'll be getting enough calories/nutrition (veggies, soy protein, fruit) to not die. I'm abusing my religion...Ramadan is not a means of unhealthily starving yourself...however it is a means of disciplining yourself and that is precisely what I am doing. Disciplining my body.
What do you think?

Here's a new photo (actually, it's old. this is from December 2008, a few days after my eye surgery and the beginning of my ED):


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Audacious me

Okay, ever since I told my mum about my ED, I've become a bit more bold on here (by posting a photo of my face). So I think I will now tell you where I live...and post another photo.
I live in Texas, yeeeeeehaw
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(I don't like this one - my cheeks aren't hollow...)
I don't know how long I'll leave this up here....I may even keep it. It depends on how comfortable I am with the chance that someone I know will discover this blog....what do you think?

p.s. - Have any of you seen the show "Starved"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz5uu1SAtqI
(That's Episode 1, part 1) It's a show about 4 New Yorkers with various eating disorders. It only aired for eight episodes I think, all on YouTube - I really liked it)

And also "skins" (this is a bit of an older show, and I'm certain all you Brits have seen it)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gx7Afhwr6n8
(haha it's my favourite show - unfortunately it doesn't air in the US)

Where can I begin?

Becoming a member of blogger, becoming a friend of sorts with everyone on here, learning the trials and tribulations of everyone....all these things have changed my life so much. For the better.
Maybe we're not entirely honest with ourselves or each other when we write our posts, but I think we're more honest than we would be if we told someone in person.
My eyes tear for every almost every post that I read, because we pour our hearts out and everyone...understands. There is no judging of anyone (hopefully) and the support is monumental. I could never expect so much love and support from a doctor...or even my own family (as much as I hate to say that).

My biggest wish is to one day meet one, some, or even all of you. I say that right now, knowing it is most likely never going to happen. But I'll hope and hope and who knows? Maybe one day my wish will come true.

Anyway....
I think I'll post another picture in a couple days...

Even though I don't know you, I love all of you and I hope to hear from you soon ♥

Did you know that life sucks?

I don't even know what to write..
How about a short list:

1. I'm depressed, as I'm sure we all are
2. My dad is in Afghanistan for three months. Please pray for his safety
3. I cry every night thinking of MN (the one who shot himself)
4. I'm back at 142 fucking pounds. Need I say more?
5. My mum has ovarian cancer.
6. She's going through chemo, so
7. her hair is falling out and
8. she's down to 100 pounds
9. I know it's probably inappropriate to feel jealousy towards her weight, but
10. I FUCKING WANT TO BE 100 POUNDS
11. Give me cancer please, so I can go through chemo, PLEASE?
12. I'm horrid for saying that but I don't give a damn
13. I don't care if my hair is gone (which is what will happen anyway when I starve)
14. My summer was okay...
15. I almost had a fling but then I had to come home and
16. I think guys find me too boring/arrogant/quiet/awkward so they run away. sigh.
17. I miss posting all the time on here.
18. I b&p yesterday. fuckfuckfuckme.
19. I'm back to raw food today. But restricted to one banana, 2 apples, and one orange a day.
20. The 22nd is the start of Ramadan so
21. I'm going to fast, but instead of eating a lot for breakfast, I'll either drink a glass of chocolate soymilk (which I discovered/fell in love with this summer), or eat one fruit then
22. starve all day and when I break my fast I'll eat something 200 calories or less.
23. I'll try to calculate how many calories that is each day, and see how many pounds that adds up to (if I can figure out the math; I'm inept)
24. I hope to be thinthinthin by October, when KINGS OF LEON AND WHITE LIES come to concert OH MY GODDDDDDDDD (I'm ecstatic haha). And then I'll look good in a bold outfit

I had a dream last night where I was half-asleep, and guys were scrutinizing me and saying that I had a pretty face but my body was enormous.

Give me some time to sort things out and I will trytrytry to become a regular on here once again. I still love and appreciate your comments :]

I think I'm going to be bold and post a photo of me. Maybe later today or tomorrow.....

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Okay, here's the photo. This is me two months ago. I'm still the same weight as I was when I took the photo; that's why I posted it. Maybe I'll post a more recent one soon. Anyway, I'm only leaving it on here for a short while. Click it to enlarge.

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oceanoceanocean

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!
For this post, at least.

I don't have the time, or the desire, to explain this entire summer right now! But I had fun, and I didn't gain any weight. But I didn't lose any either...

I also told my mum about my ED. I told her over yahoo messenger, which was cowardly, but it was the only way I could. I don't really know why I told her, but I feel so much more comfortable that she knows my deepest, darkest secret. She hasn't mentioned it since then, which I'm glad about, because I'm embarrassed.
The only problem is that I have to move downstairs in the bedroom next to hers...and she's going to keep an eye on me whenever I use the computer (I kept this blog and you guys a secret, but I told her about thinspo)

(She's down to 102 pounds)...but she's ill and had to go on a liquid diet for a while. I know I shouldn't feel jealous that she's losing weight, since it's because she's sick, but how can I not?

Anyway, I hope everyone has done well this summer! I don't know if I'll go back to before I went on hiatus and read everyone's blogs up until the present...
But thank you guys for hanging in there, and welcome to all my new followers :D

I'm in Galveston right now and our hotel has wi-fi (thank God). I'll try to post tomorrow...if not, I'll hopefully be back here in a few days!