putrid pork

Had a granny smith apple for breakfast - in the hopes of kicking up my metabolism (by skipping breakfast and lunch, and then eating at dinner, I think it was slowing my metabolism down?)

The only problem with beginning my day with eating leads to more....eating. If I skip breakfast, I am also able to skip lunch. However, it seems that if I begin my day by eating something, I cannot control myself and continuously eat throughout the day.

And that is what happened today. At lunch I had a salad (lettuce and two tomato slices), baked beans (ugh) and one of those ice cream things with a nutty chocolatey shell covering the ice cream part. Inevitable feelings of disgust and uncomfortable fullness ensued.

My friend "T" then invited me for dinner. I was VERY unenthusiastic about this. T, and the rest of his family are all overweight...possibly even obese. Whenever I am around them, they are constantly snacking on oatmeal creme pies (I gag at the thought of those), cookies, and various other fattening processed foods.
Anyway, for dinner they had meatball subs. T assured me they were turkey; however, the first bite I took told me otherwise. They tasted like PORK SAUSAGE! BLEHBLEHBLEH. They were most likely turkey AND pork.
I immediately regretted going, but to be polite I forced myself to eat the rest of the sub (thankfully it was cut in half, so I didn't eat the entire thing), although the taste of sausage was making me ill. And I cheated; each half of the sub had two large meatballs. I very discreetly allowed one of them to fall out of the sandwich, so I only had to eat one.

When I returned home, I ate two packages of pb crackers, Hershey's Bliss chocolate eggs, a croissant with margarine, a toaster strudel, and a gargantuan banana nut muffin. Carbs, sugar, fat, carbs, and did I mention carbs? This binge was brought on because I wanted to rid my mind of the meatballs.
And of course, I didn't purge any of it - because of laziness. I wasn't too lazy to shove food in my mouth, and yet I was much too lazy to rid my body of all that filth.
As a result of all that sugar my heart is beating very fast, my head hurts, and my stomach is cramping.

Tomorrow I work all day. I will eat either some broccoli or carrots for breakfast. Then I will try so terribly hard to not ANYTHING else. No matter how exhausted I become from being on my feet and moving at work.

I now officially have a double chin, and it is just barely visible when looking at my face from the front. I look like an iguana from the side. At this rate of no exercise, binging, and not purging, I am slowly returning to the dreaded 140.

I've begun to punish myself for eating. Self-mutilation and self-deprecation, in its mildest form. I call myself whore, fat hog, bitch. I slap my arms and stomach, hard. I leave my nails long and sharp, and I pinch/squeeze the fat on my abdomen and upper arms. I also have begun to sleep on my floor, because I don't deserve comfort when I cannot control my self.
It's somewhat juvenile, the "punishments" I inflict upon myself, but I will NEVER cut. Ever. Pinching until I break my skin and it bleeds is as close as I will get.


My friend "JE" is 85 lbs. 5'3". She is 47 lbs. lighter than I am. I envy her SO MUCH. And the thing is, she isn't anorexic. She's just anemic and has some sort of illness. But discussing her weight makes her uncomfortable. So instead, I call her the "anorexic dream", because her minuscule body is so beautiful. If I weighed 85 lbs., I'd be flauntin' that shit for all the world to see. sigh.
One day...
Just wait and see.

G'night!