slightly bored

There isn't much to talk about...especially regarding my raw food diet.

I'm not exactly tired of salad, I just don't want to fill my belly with lettuce anymore, lol.

The scale still reads 134...I can see my collarbones better, and my cheeks are getting a slight concave.

I actually don't really crave cooked/packaged food. Which is wonderful!


Ugh, once again I find myself falling asleep in front of the computer.

2nd raw day DONE!

Intake - 523 calories.
Weight - 134

What's funny about this entire raw diet is how involved mum and vegan uncle are in it! They're so concerned about me getting enough to eat; they constantly bombard me with questions like, "How about canned mushrooms? Are those raw? You could eat raw zucchini and honey (wtf?? raw zucchini dipped in honey...GAG) or something..." It's nice that they care, but it's a bit annoying, so I just told them not to worry; we had plenty of things for me to eat.

Actually, we didn't. I had eaten all the apples & oranges.
So mum did a lovely thing and went the grocery store for me. And bought me LOADS of raw things.
Broccoli, spinach, kiwi, mango, tomato, banana, asparagus, etc....

I love her :D
Now I have a large variety of raw foods with which I can create so many tasty things to eat.

I still ate three bananas (I need to keep my banana intake at that or lower...I've become a bit 'nana crazy and I wouldn't want to binge on them).
But look what I found HERE. It's all about bananas! Although, THIS DIET that is suggested is entirely too fattening...the calories are about 1200 per day! (Even though I am certain the diet is a healthy, lean one, it seems preposterous).

And considerably less food than yesterday.
I cannot describe how CLEAN I feel. I know I already talked about it yesterday...but I have so much energy!

Is it because I'm not taking in any unnecessary oils/fat/sodium/calories?

Whatever. As long as I'm feeling good and I've got enough energy to exercise, I'm satisfied.
I think what's really helping me not lose control and binge is that I'm eating small amounts throughout the day, instead of depriving myself. That way, I feel full/content all day long.

I hope my chipper attitude rubs off on any of you guys who aren't feeling so great :D

<3>
RRR

O.o

705 calories.

Of only RAW fruits and vegetables.

I told my mum that I would challenge myself to a week-long raw only thing.
Today was the first day -

3 bananas (those made up the bulk of my calories...should I reduced it to two?)
7 baby carrots
7 grape tomatoes
2 small gala apples
1 avocado

I'm hungry, but I'm not starved and I have absolutely no desire to binge.
It is difficult to eat only raw (and I've only just completed the first day!), but since I made my challenge known to everyone, I don't want to seem weak and so I can stick to my goal.

I feel clean. No processed, pre-packaged food to add fat and cholesterol and sodium to my body.

I found some great workout videos on thedailyplate.com as well. (Burned only 100 calories, but it's a start)

I'll try to reply to you guys ASAP, but my mum is sharing my bedroom with me (vegan uncle is back for an extended visit), and I must be EXTREMELY cautious when getting on here.

Love you guys <3

RRR


"I feel good. dun na na na na na na. I knew that I would dun na na na na na na....." :D

feeling a bit better...

Thank you guys; I'm feeling better today.
I weighed myself - 135.

So I haven't gained from the 55 grams of fat I had yesterday...yet.

Today I'm going out for breakfast with a neighbor...but I'm not feeling well (most likely from yesterday) so I'll get the smallest entree possible and eat a quarter of it. Or less.

Then maybe I'll eat some fruit.
My vegan uncle is coming back to visit, so I'm making aush, which is a (vegetarian) Afghan soup. (PrettyWreck - it involves tomatoes but they aren't required!).

Later I'll post up the recipe, after I've actually cooked it.
It shouldn't have too many calories - potatoes, carrots, onions, pasta..............well, okay.
Maybe it will. And loads of sodium and carbs.
>:[

I just want to sleep.

Okay, remember my friend T? His sister was who's birthday party I went to yesterday. Anyway - ever since he "supported" me while I was religiously fasting, he hasn't been eating much.

I've noticed that at work, he's replaced his usual heaping plate of food with two little boxes of cheerios and milk instead.
And at Cici's, he ate ONE slice of pizza and a little salad. (Which I am furious at myself for, because I ate FIVE TIMES as much as him.)

Later while I was at his house his mum and I were talking, and she told me that he told her he had lost ten pounds. From eating only cheerios and some fruit each day. I told her that I thought he did look as though he was losing weight.

WHAT THE HELL. I should be the one losing ten pounds, NOT him! Well, he should as well, because he's so large. But still. How can someone who has been overweight his entire life, obviously loves the disgusting desserts his mum makes...how can HE have more control than I do???

Am I being selfish? Envious?

I don't know.
But I've got a renewed sense of competition. Yes, competition! I am beginning a new silent competition against T. He WILL NOT surpass me in weight loss or control. no no no.

If that fat boy can control his eating to some cereal and fruit, then I can do BETTER.

I feel cruel calling my friend fat. But I dislike large people...the way they look at least. Hypocrite!

But I will control myself. T will not win.

p.s. Oh and Farah from thinspiration-pictures - your comment box is not working!

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At the restaurant I had some grilled potatoes with cheddar cheese. The original plate included bacon, and I asked for NO bacon...but they put it on there anyway. I'm not the kind of person who if one little thing is wrong with their food demands a refund, so I just picked off the bacon and ate the rest.

30 minutes later, at home, I was stuck in the bathroom, my intestines twisting and spewing (pardon the disgusting info) liquid. Damn potatoes. I guess my fasting/restricting has now taken over my digestive system, and anything cooked is now too much for my poor organs..

And that is why, after I cooked my Afghan soup and had half a cup of it, and some avocado/tomato/onion/carrot salad, I purged it all. Because my stomach was DYING. The purge relieved the pain a bit, but they always leave me dehydrated and dizzy.

Ugh, I can't wait for tomorrow. Bananas, applesauce, and water. I can't believe I ever enjoyed cooked/prepackaged food. RAW, RAW, RAW!

I'm feeling kooky and extremely sleepy.
Goodnight ladies <3

kill me now

Oh God Oh God Oh God.

My breakfast plan was moved to tomorrow.

Unfortunately I went to a birthday party....which involved going to eat at Cici's pizza.

I destroyed my hard work.

5 slices of pizza. 3 cinnamon rolls. 2 brownies.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

My stomach is twisting and cramping.

I WANT TO DIE.

This is what I shall become.

I just want to sleeeeeeeeeeep

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a few days - my life is quite hectic at the moment! I've been trying to sort out uni stuff, prepare everything for high school graduation, confirm my summer job, blah blah blah.

I'm at 134!!! It's only about a little lost, but I believe I'm back in the game.

I will admit that I'm becoming bored with the whole waking-up-at-4:45 a.m.-breakfast routine. It's not the food I'm becoming bored with, it's just waking up that early I suppose. I have been finding myself unable to even finish the 1/2 cup of cereal...It's like I don't even want to swallow.
So I alternate the cereal between honey nut cheerios and honey bunches of oats (tasty honey!) and each day I change my fruit from oranges to bananas to apples to strawberries.

Then I go throughout the day water/food-less until about 8:30 p.m., then I have 1 cup of applesauce and sometimes I'll eat another banana.

Then right before bed (around 11:30 p.m.) I exercise until midnight.

Let me tell you, I can hardly lift my head - I'm so exhausted, sleepy, and lethargic! My head pounds, my hands shake, and of course every second of every day I dream of food...
But I'm losing weight. I'm content.

And it's quite nice being at home alone! I've written ana quotes on paper (such as "eat to live. don't live to eat" and "FAT") and taped them on the fridge and pantry. I also placed the scale in front of them (fridge and pantry are right next to each other). And it's actually working :D
Although, since I like to keep my fruit chilled, I've put everything I'm allowed to eat (fruit, applesauce, and nothing else) at an eye-level shelf in the fridge. That way when I open the door the first thing I see will be the foods I'm allowed and I can concentrate on them.

I also put thinspo on my mobile phone.

And actually, I'm thinking about not fasting the Muslim way. Mostly because I don't like losing sleep just for eating...
So instead -
I'll wake up, eat one fruit, go to school (and SIP water during school; I don't like feeling dehydrated) get home.
On days that I have to work, I'll just eat salad at work (which for me usually consists of one baby carrot, two slices of cucumber/tomato, two pieces of the crunchy lettuce, a tablespoon of black olives, and if I'm being bad I'll put croutons or a cut up breaded chicken strip).
Then on days when I don't have to work, I'll just eat some fruit or veggies.

I may even start taking baby carrots for lunch at school. Maybe that will keep me from bingeing the minute I get home.

I'll reply to your comments (I feel a bit rude for putting my blogging duties off!) soon; right now Yanni is on the telly and I HAVE to watch! (Not sure if I've told you guys about my obsession with Yanni, but I will if I haven't). Anyway, I'm going to a Yanni concert next month, and I get to meet him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be THIN when I meet him.

Tomorrow my neighbor wants to take me out for breakfast. I dread this, but I accepted, just to be polite. I don't want to dwell on what will happen regarding food at the restaurant...so I'll give details tomorrow.


Alright, goodnight ladies!

RRR

yawn

Today was an non-fasting day.
I did do breakfast the same - usual stuff, usual time.

For lunch I had a salad (lettuce, a slice of tomato, cucumber, and 1 chicken nugget). For dinner I had the same as lunch, except with croutons as well. The scale still reads 136...I hope I haven't hit a plateau!

I'm so happy - tomorrow mum is leaving for Arizona, and won't be back until next Wednesday. My siblings will be gone with their dad from Friday to Monday. Which means I have the house to MYSELF! I'm so very excited, because it means I can restrict without anyone noticing or questioning me.

So I'll have a full week until mum returns...perhaps I'll be a couple pounds thinner by the time she comes back? Although she'll probably notice...but I don't think I really care if she does or not.

Anyway. A few weeks back I had an assignment in art where I had to pick a famous artwork and replicate it. I chose "Girl Before a Mirror" by Pablo Picasso. At the time I thought I liked it because of the colours. But after completing it I realise the reason why I chose to do that particular painting. I mean, look at it:

It's a (maybe) pregnant young woman gazing at her contorted, dark reflection in the mirror. She looks perfect (assuming this is a cubism world and that is what normal women look like), but the way she sees herself in the reflection...
I feel like this every waking moment of my life. As I'm sure all of you guys do too.

Awaiting another day fasting and an entire week of losing weight....

"Hurt myself again today. And, the worst part is there's no one else to blame"

Sorry for the random, boring post; I just need to sleep.

Goodnight ladies.

my family...hates me...loves me?

I got my damn period today. It just HAD to arrive and ruin my plans.
So what do I do now?
Do I continue my starvation, or do I eat normally while I'm menstruating?
I don't know. Any suggestions?

Because I need to stay hydrated...but that stretches out my stomach and I don't have enough control over my intake yet.

Okay, so do you guys remember my amazing "destroy-pbcrackers" day? And how wonderful I felt afterwards?
Not so anymore.
Mum went to Costco today and bought TWO 40-count boxes of them.

I wanted to die right then and there. My siblings noticed me becoming angry and told mum. I went to another room to calm down, and I heard mum say to my brother "HZ" that it was my "own damn fault that" I "couldn't control" myself when it came to the crackers.

I don't know why, but that hurt. Maybe because it's true? But I wouldn't have as big a problem if she JUST. WOULDN'T. BUY. THE. FUCKING. THINGS.

I came out of the room and she noticed that I was acting a bit pissed off and said, "what, are you angry because of the damn crackers? They're the main staple in my diet, Skinny Love. You're being ridiculous and you need to stop acting like that." Then she went outside to smoke.

I was left in the kitchen with HZ and he told me he understood that I was "addicted" to the peanut butter and I told him no, he did NOT understand. My voice faltered when I said that and so I went upstairs to my room and sobbed in my closet and punched/clawed myself. (I'm pathetic, I know.)

After about ten minutes came out and sat on my bed. My other brother "AJ", who is eight years old, came to tell me goodnight. I asked him to look at me and tell me if he thought I was fat. He said no, but I asked him to make sure and tell the truth. He got tears in his eyes and looked down and said no again. I hugged him and asked him why he was crying (I had begun to cry again too) and he told me it was because I always thought and called myself fat, but he didn't think I was. Oh, my heart broke. I didn't know what to say and so I just kissed him goodnight and told him not to let mum see that he was crying.

We're normally very rude and impatient with one another, but that showed me that he really did love me, if he was brought to tears because I "think I'm fat".

I know I shouldn't, but I'm putting off the second Summer Challenge question for another day, because I'm so drained of any energy from lack of food and I don't want this post to be heinously long.

Welcome new followers <3

RRR

"You can't be small if you eat it all"

Saturday night (10:30 p.m.) I broke my fast with water and a banana because my mum forgot to get the applesauce. I actually wasn't even hungry...but I needed to eat something. Fortunately I was full after just those two things.

Sunday morning I had 1/2 cup of Honey Bunches with fresh raspberries and then some water.(4:50 a.m. From now on when I talk about eating breakfast it will be at that time, unless otherwise noted).
Then I went to work, and about halfway through my shift a wave of extreme exhaustion hit me. I felt so lethargic and tired, and it took all my effort to even walk. I guess 14 hours of no food and 11 hours of work really over-exerted my body, huh? But I refused to eat anything, and so I sucked it up and continued working.

I weighed myself when I got home - 135 pounds!!!! But I'm fairly certain that this is my true weight. On my binge days it was usually 137-139, and I think that was because of the food in my belly...

And maybe I'm rushing it, but I could swear that the knobby part of my shoulder/collarbones is more visible, and my wristbones are more pointy...all because of my awesome Saturday fast.
And I feel so delectable. Hah. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this feeling of going to bed without having to hold my over-fed, aching stomach. I love not having that sensation of food/liquid sloshing around inside. And I exercise with renewed vigour.

Today I had a banana for breakfast, and then unsweetened applesauce (sooo delicious and only 100 fat/sugar-free calories per cup) for dinner.

I am still exhausted and really tired. I've got to send out my graduation invitations and study for a Physiology exam but I think I'd rather curl up in bed with a good book and then sleep.

I'll answer the second Summer challenge tomorrow, when I've gotten some rest and I don't have any work!

Goodnight ladies :D

RRR

p.s. My mum weighs 111 pounds. How I envy envy envy her. mppppfffffff&##$$#$Q^#$!!#$#%$#$%$%$#%! I cannot wait to weigh as little - and less - than her. Then I'll be able to fit in her Diesel, Armani, and Miss Sixty jeans.

Dazed

My (religious) fast has gone amazing. Although I was 99.99% sure that I wouldn't do anything to screw it up.
The only things that went into my mouth was gum and some ice to swish around my parched mouth. Which actually breaks a fast (you're not supposed to put anything in your mouth); but this isn't a real religious fast anyway, is it?

My co-workers kept asking me if I was going to eat, and they looked at me strangely when I declined because I'm notorious at work for eating LOADS. Seriously. They always tease me for eating 7 cinnamon rolls and 5 hashbrowns, and so when I don't eat anything, or if I eat salad, they become concerned. But they sort of understood when I told them it was for religious purposes. They know I'm a weird halfghan Muslim freak :D. I love 'em.

One of my friends and (co-worker), T (I mentioned him in this post), decided that since I was fasting, he wasn't going to eat anything either, because he wanted to "support" me. I tried to explain to him that actually, it's better if people eat in front of fasters because we receive more good deeds for refraining from food while others revel in it. But he insisted, so I shrugged my shoulders and thanked him.

He won't last.

I don't say that to be cruel or anything, but he's FAT. He is about 5'4 and most likely weighs around 180-200 pounds. I've only ever seen him eat desserts and fatty/greasy foods.
And so I'm fairly certain he will go home and stuff his face, because he must be starving after "fasting" with me for six hours...which he probably isn't used to.

He also doesn't eat at my house whenever he comes over. Which makes me think that maybe he realises how large he is, and doesn't want to be seen eating? I'm not sure. I think he does it to "support" me again...because the day I had that sickening meatball sub at his house was the first and last time I've ever eaten there. I refuse to eat anything at his house. So I think he does the same thing whenever he comes over to my house.

In all honesty, although he's my friend, I am disgusted every time I look at him. There is absolutely nothing physically attractive about him (except for his awesome blue eyes), and I am a bit shallow when it comes to looks...
He is also a very difficult person to be friends with. I call him "Eeyore". I'm sure you all know what sort of personality Eeyore has.

Alright, right now I'm on a three-hour break from work, and then I have to go back. Today I am truly "running on empty". I love the way that sounds. I'll update you guys after I return from the night shift. I hope I get home before it's time to break my fast.....
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Alright, so I've returned from work, and I haven't broken my fast yet although it's almost 9 p.m. I haven't broken it yet because I'm waiting for my mum to bring me some applesauce from Costco. That's going to be my dinner tonight, since I saw it at work today and I'm cravin' it.

I'm beginning to feel the effects from working 11 hours, walking around lifting things, serving food, washing dishes with no food/fuel. I'm exhausted! And actually, I'm more thirsty than anything; I'm addicted to water.

But I don't care that I'm exhausted, because as I said earlier, I've been runnin' on empty. And it feels reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaally good.

I only wish that I had come up with this religious fasting idea sooner. Ah, well. I learned from my mistakes so far.

Oh, and my friend T told me that he was really hungry when he went home after work during our 3-hour break. Then he told me that after a while, he wasn't hungry anymore, so he decided not to even eat dinner. I'm not sure if he'll eat dinner or not (I hope he does, because for some twisted reason I want him to fail...). But if he begins to eat less, it will be SO good for him. He desperately needs to lose weight. As does the rest of his family.

Hmm. I haven't got anything else to talk about tonight! If my mum doesn't bring the applesauce soon I'll just drink some water while I wait. 16 hours and counting that I haven't eaten O.o

Welcome new followers and thank you ladies for all the wonderful support :D

this will be a part of the summer challenge 2009 for me

So after last night's destroying of my captors and the enlightenment of sorts, I'm redefining my life. Beginning now.

I don't know if I've ever talked about my religion...I know I've mentioned that I'm half Afghan (and if you guys know, probably 100% of Afghans are Muslim). So yeah, I'm Muslim. Perhaps one day when I'm bored I'll explain my entire religious upbringing, yeah?

The reason I bring up this point is because Muslims have something called Ramadan, which is about a month-long period of fasting (usually during the autumn season). Anyway, we eat before the sun rises and break our fast after it sets. The fasting period usually lasts about 13-15 hours. We refrain from food, drink, and profanities, among other things.

Anyway, I've been fasting during Ramadan for about 5 years now (it becomes obligatory for Muslim kids when they turn 13). Last year (I think Ramadan was last October, before I ever even thought about ed's), I lost 7 pounds in about three weeks. Which of course seems trivial to even me right now...but it was quite a feat for someone who wasn't intending on losing weight.

The way I lost it - I had to get up at 4:45 a.m. each morning to eat. I usually had about a measuring cupful of leftover dinner and 16 ounces of water, because I didn't want to starve during the day...although I had to force the food down because for some reason I was never hungry in the morning. Then I'd go to school, do my thang, come home, wait until 8 p.m. after the sun was fully set, and I'd break my fast with a glass of chocolate milk (which I hate, so I've no idea why I craved that). Since I had gone about 14 hours without food, my stomach was tiny and the milk was enough to fill me up. So I'd eat only 1/2 cup of whatever food my mum had cooked.

And that is how I unintentionally lost 7 pounds.
And that is precisely what I am about to begin. Fasting, Muslim-style.
Since it's for a religious reason (actually, you know I'm really doing this to lose weight/control myself), I'll actually keep up with it, because I don't want to defy my religion and God.

So for tomorrow, my alarms are set at 4:45 a.m. I'm going to eat 1/4 cup of honey nut cheerios, with either 1/2 a banana or 5 raspberries. And then I will wait until 8 p.m. (or actually, when the sun sets, since it's summer time now, and I may need to adjust my times), and I will either eat an orange/pear/apple or I will take four medium bites of whatever food there is.
This will be a wonderful thing, because tomorrow I have to work. However since I'll be on a RELIGIOUS fast, I won't eat anything! Hurrah!

I realise this plan is a bit dishonest. I'm basically using my religion for weight loss. I feel horrible that this is what I have resorted to.

Anyway, today I was 138 pounds. A most despicable number, which shall be eliminated as soon as my fasting gets situated.

I feel wonderful. (And the awesome support you guys give helps! )

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict (I'm always tempted to write "Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle" lol)

Alright, so far into the challenge I haven't been...challenging myself. For the past three days I've had around 1200 calories (each day). And you know why? Those damndamndamn peanut butter crackers.

I had a nightmare about them last night. A true nightmare. I don't recall what happened exactly, but I do remember eating at least 20 packages, which for some reason led to the deaths of some very dear people. I wasn't sure how to interpret it.

So today, there were six packages of the pbc's left (they're in this large glass jar that sits on the kitchen countertop, in plain sight).
I shamefully admit that I ate three (540 calories ohfuck).
Then, I took margeurite's (thank you!) suggestion to destroy them, and so I smashed them up and flushed them down the toilet.
Why it never occured to me to destroy them before, I've no idea (maybe because I didn't want to throw away perfectly fine food. Food is money). I felt only a little remorse for flushing them; one, because I was flushing down food that I craved every minute, and two, because I was wasting food.
After I flushed them I went back to the kitchen to read for a little while. My mum came into the kitchen and said sadly that she couldn't believe all the pbc's were gone. I said nothing, But then I begged her never to buy them again. She looked at me sort of incredulously said "I practically LIVE on those things!". HAH. HAH. HAH. So I fixed her with a stare, and begged her once again to never buy them. She "pfft" when I asked her to by all means continue buying them, but hide them somewhere I couldn't get a hold of them. Some mum.

Sometimes I hate my mother, but mostly because of her slim body.

But I'm so relieved and happy that I did what I did. It was sort of a defining moment, flushing them down the toilet, watching the crumbs swirl around and then finally get sucked into the hole. I only wish I had flushed the three packages that I had eaten prior to my moment.

I also binged and purged. I know it was a stupid, weak, cowardly thing to do, but I did it. And sticking my fingers down my throat after not having done it for a while...it felt good. I don't mean the actual sticking-fingers-down-throat thing, but just...I don't know.
But immediately after my binge the scale told me I was 142. When I saw/see this number my insides scream in agony and frustration.
And yet, for some reason I feel nothing on the outside (emotion-wise). I haven't cried since I weighed 129, ten pounds and two months ago. And I see my self, allow myself to become this gluttonous pig with the double chin and triple-tummy-tires.
After my purge, I was at 139. It was the largest purge I've ever done.

But I feel different today. After the crackers and the purge, I feel as though I do in fact have control. Because don't I control whether or not I purge, whether or not I brush my teeth, whether or not I read a book? I have control over my ENTIRE life; there are just a few things I need to exercise greater control over, such as the greatest problem in my life - food.

Anyway, I exercised for the first time in two weeks. That felt good as well. (Maybe I'm having an epiphany? Everything felt good today...)

All I know is that I can fucking do this. I WILL lose 40 pounds, and, who knows - maybe more?
I'm falling asleep and so I'll talk to the most wonderful-friends (you girls on blogger) tomorrow.
But I just wanted to thank you guys for your helpful stuff and motivation! (Although I'm lonely already) I don't knnow how I would have handled this time in my life.
Thank you. :D

Summer Challenge 2009

Hey look, I'm my very own reverse thinspo! GAG

(sorry about the bad quality/editing. Click on them to enlarge. Embarassing though they may be, I want everyone to know that this is what I look like at the beginning of the challenge.) I also hope you guys put photos of yourselves up as well...I don't want to be the only one!

I'm beginning the challenge at last (finally have time!)
However, I'm going to put my height in here as well, because of the bmi.

Age: 18
Height: 5'3

Current Weight: 137
Goal Weight Loss: 37-40 pounds

Personal Goal: To end my addiction to peanut butter crackers; to cease relying on purging as a means of justifying my binges.

Biggest Challenges: Listening to myself; controlling binges; finding motivation/willpower to restrict

Anything else you want to add: I am tired of allowing slip-ups and I want everyone to see that I have control over my life.

Question For Week #1

HOLY SHIT! YOU CAUGHT A LEPRECHAUN!

Instead of gold, he gives you a choice. You can either:

A) Be forever the weight of your dreams, and never have to worry about gaining a pound.

or

B) Be the richest person in the world, and your money will never run out.

What do you choose?

I think I choose B. Being the weight of my dreams forever seems tempting, but then I'd be stuck that way...forever. Having an infinite amount of money would allow me to hire personal trainers and exotic trips to live with fasting monks in Tibet. Ya dig? I wouldn't waste my money to buy myself feasts. Most certainly.

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict pleasepleasepleaseplease

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I'm sitting in my room trying EXTREMELY hard not to get out of my chair. Because I haven't had my daily peanut butter crackers yet and I swear I am about to die. I firmly believe that I am addicted to them (actually, my "firm belief" may be the cause of my "addiction". If I didn't believe that I was addicted, then maybe I wouldn't be addicted). Anyway, I am on the verge of tears. Pathetic, I know.
I want to eat them so bad I can hardly breathe, seriously. But I refuse to eat them. I have to. Because if I'm able to refrain from eating them, it will be my "hallelujah" moment.
Must. brush. teeth. NOW.

resolve, determination, and willpower

For Mother's Day I went to Posado's. And I ate half of my gargantuan platter. Because tomorrow this shit stops. I weight 139 pounds this morning.

Can you believe that only a couple months ago, in February, I was FOURTEEN pounds lighter? And now I have reached that terrible point where I'm almost at 140. Only SIX pounds less than my HIGHEST weight.
I see it everywhere, the fat. Love handles and double chin especially. I can hardly fit into my largest pair of jeans (american size 6).

How disgusted with myself am I? So disgusted that it seems as though I've completely wiped away all common sense and I am most blatantly in DENIAL. I see my ever-growing self in the mirror and think nothing of it.

I want my self-hatred to resurface. I want to cry again. I want to be so enraged that I claw at my fat.
Otherwise I fear I shall become increasingly massive and soon find myself on "The Half-ton Woman". I shudder at the thought.

I don't even make eye contact with anyone anymore because of how disgusting I am and how hideous I look.

This fat is coming off. If I had any courage I would slice it all off.

I can feed my lard no longer.

139 lbs. you whore, you're going away and NEVER. COMING. BACK.

I'll be taking on PrettyWreck's Summer Challenge 2009. I'll try to post some photos and info tomorrow.

Refuse, Resist, and Restrict. TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE, SKINNYLOVE (stupid name as I am neither skinny nor do I have love.)
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Thank you my marvellous blogger girls. You mean the world to me, whomever you may be. Truly, your support helps me. I don't lie when I say that. You provide consolation for me and I'm grateful. So bloody. grateful.

bridge to nowhere

Hey guys;
Sorry I haven't updated in a few days...

The reason is because I've been bingeing (no purging) and I'm so ashamed and I've eaten so much that I can't keep up and remember to write about it on blogger.

My only consolation is that I'm not gaining. Which is strange, as I haven't exercised in a while. But what sort of consolation is that? I should be restricting and losing, goddamnit.
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I don't know if anyone remembers me talking about my mum and how she's 5'5 and 113 pounds..but anyway, she skydives regularly, and she has to wear a 17-pound weight belt because she's too small.
I vow, at this very moment, that by the beginning of June I will have lost 20 pounds. That gives me four weeks exactly.
Because I want to go skydiving, but I want to be so small that I have to wear 17 extra pounds to be able to go.
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I also watched the new Star Trek movie. If you haven't seen it, you should go watch it. I enjoyed it and Zoe Saldana, the actress who plays Nyota Uhura, is so. fucking. beautiful. No, she's regal. And it's all because of how small she is.
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You guys asked for some vegan recipes and here are some of my uncle's favorites:

Stuffed Tomatoes

• 4 large ripe tomatoes with stems
• 3 cups sunflower seeds, soaked overnight and drained
• 1/4 cup cucumber, chopped
• 1/4 cup green onions, chopped
• 1/4 cup ripe red, yellow, or orange bell pepper, seeded and chopped
• 1/2 cup fresh basil, minced
• 1 clove garlic, peeled and minced
• 1/4 tsp. paprika

Cut tops off the tomatoes and scoop out the inside.
Blend sunflower seeds with 1/2 of the tomato pulp and paprika until smooth. Mix the remaining pulp, garlic, basil, bell pepper, and green onions into the tomato/paprika. Stuff tomatoes to the top.

Guacamole
Combine in a bowl:
6 avocados, pitted (save 3 pits)
1/2 cup cilantro, finely chopped
1 tablespoon lime
1 vine ripened tomato, diced
1/4 cup white onion, diced
1 Jalapeño pepper, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
Mix and mash all th ingredients together well. Add the avocado pits to prevent from browning.

I'm not sure if those are the type of recipes you guys were hoping for; they aren't high-calorie, however, and it's all fresh.

Now that my dual-credit classes are over I should have more time to update...but if I don't post for a couple days, have no fear! It will be only because either I'm lazy or I have too much to do.

I love you guys, and I'm happy that my three R's were well-received! (now only if I can follow my own words...)

sorry

it's been a while! I've been caught up in school...I'm eating lightly but unfortunately I haven't any time to exercise :/

My vegan uncle is visiting tomorrow wooohoo! His vegan dishes are all I'm eating while he's here.

I may be on and off for a couple of days while I get some things sorted out...but fear not for I shall be back!

Refuse, Resist, Restrict ladies!

new week

I just finished watching Amélie, a very beautiful French film. Of course, my viewing pleasure was somewhat distracted by how small the lead actress, Audrey Tautou, was. If any of you ever watch it, notice her super slim legs.

Today at work I ate half a blueberry bagel with cream cheese. I knew that while at work, I would eat things that should be off-limits to me. I feel disgusting and fat.
But this week I'm restricting and I'll go on a couple liquid-fasts (thanks RayRay!).

Thank you guys and wish me luck!

Refuse, Resist, Restrict.
(lol, you guys like my three R's? I had been thinking of recycling at the time and voilà, I came up with those).

work

I ate honey nut cheerios and strawberries for breakfast again today. Then I went to work, and after two hours I ate 1/2 cup of oatmeal. I should NOT have done that. Thankfully it was only 75 calories, but still.

By 12 I was starving...don't know why. My meagre salad consisted of a small bite-sized piece of fried chicken, two pieces of lettuce, two baby carrots, and a quarter of a roma tomato. I also had two little cubes of watermelon and four red grapes.
The total so far is about 400 calories.... more than yesterday, and I have no idea how I will do come dinnertime. We're serving burgers (I never eat them anyway, so I'll be safe there).

I was SO extremely tempted to eat all the cookies we served at lunch as well. I didn't. That was one thing I was able to control!

At dinner I had 1/2 cup of broccoli cheese rice casserole. I don't even want to guess how many calories it had.

The good thing is I'm not feeling binge-full, and I hope to lose at least two pounds by next Friday.

Wish me luck!

Refuse, Resist, Restrict.

May 1st was marvelous

I'm proud of myself. So far.

This morning I had honey nut cheerios (they're supposed to lower cholesterol, right?) and three strawberries, mixed together. I didn't have any milk with it because 1 cup of whole milk has 35 mg of choly (new nickname for cholesterol).
I may have become a bit too paranoid about my choly level ever since I saw it, but being wary will help me eliminate MANY unhealthy foods that I would otherwise eat.
Anyway, so I skipped the milk, which I don't like anyway. But it was nice to have cereal that remained crunchy, unlike when it becomes soggy from the milk.

I was able to eat nothing for lunch at school today, because they were serving cheeseburgers/ribs. So disgusting.

At around 2:30 I ate a banana, so that I wouldn't be so food-deprived when I got home and binge.
When I got home I ate another banana and five raw mushrooms.

Immediately after I flossed/brushed, and put my bleaching trays in.

I believe this day was the perfect food day to begin the new month, yeah?
As I said, I'm proud proud proud of myself. (Which is a bit sad, because I should be eating like this on a regular basis.)
One specific thing I am proud of myself for is that I haven't had a single package of those damn peanut butter crackers in two days! That's a difficult feat for me.

Total caloric intake - 390 calories.
haaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah!
I'll weigh myself tomorrow, although I doubt any weight loss will have occurred!

...now I must face work tomorrow.
Does anyone have any tips at all to help me restrict and CONTROL myself at work?

Refuse, Resist & Restrict, girls!